WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do these kids expect their father to live as a single man for the rest of his life? Are they going to provide his elder care? His companionship? Or are they going to get married and have kids of their own? They need to let there( 50ish?) yesr old parents live their lives.

I think their hope was that he would marry someone they like better, with no kids or with kids they are more compatible with.

And that’s fair. We all grieve things in our lives that don’t happen the way we want them to. Especially a big one like your dads new wife. And these adult kids are young and immature so they’re venting to their cousins saying childish stuff like “if dads wife comes, I’m not going!” But most likely, in reality, they will move on and behave like normal people and not boycott thanksgiving over something pretty routine like dad re marrying, once they’re adults and out of the house. Like this is small potatoes in terms of “family trauma”. They’ll be ok. The real issue here is OP reading her own college aged kids texts with their cousins. Doesn’t sound like the adult kids have actually threatened to boycott thanksgiving, so, this is a big nothingburger

If their dad can get divorced, showing everyone he thinks family relationships are optional, then they can skip Thanksgiving. They're not married to Thanksgiving. None of this was their idea.

Cut the hysteria. “Showing everyone he thinks family relationships are optional”. You guys are really projecting. More than half of marriages end in divorce. The fact that these 2 people stuck it out until their kids were adults/ near adult age is good. This is so minor compared to what other families suffer through. So dramatic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

You didn't answer---was there an affair? Was your brother "at fault" or was your exSIL the main issue? IMO that matters, also how long has it been since the divorces/separation.

[Anonymous]

Has no one in your family ever , ever gotten divorced? The amount of hand wringing going on here by the adult kids, the OP, the other cousins, etc is weird. Divorce is more common than non-divorce. Is your family full of special snowflakes or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do these kids expect their father to live as a single man for the rest of his life? Are they going to provide his elder care? His companionship? Or are they going to get married and have kids of their own? They need to let there( 50ish?) yesr old parents live their lives.

I think their hope was that he would marry someone they like better, with no kids or with kids they are more compatible with.

And that’s fair. We all grieve things in our lives that don’t happen the way we want them to. Especially a big one like your dads new wife. And these adult kids are young and immature so they’re venting to their cousins saying childish stuff like “if dads wife comes, I’m not going!” But most likely, in reality, they will move on and behave like normal people and not boycott thanksgiving over something pretty routine like dad re marrying, once they’re adults and out of the house. Like this is small potatoes in terms of “family trauma”. They’ll be ok. The real issue here is OP reading her own college aged kids texts with their cousins. Doesn’t sound like the adult kids have actually threatened to boycott thanksgiving, so, this is a big nothingburger

If their dad can get divorced, showing everyone he thinks family relationships are optional, then they can skip Thanksgiving. They're not married to Thanksgiving. None of this was their idea.

Cut the hysteria. “Showing everyone he thinks family relationships are optional”. You guys are really projecting. More than half of marriages end in divorce. The fact that these 2 people stuck it out until their kids were adults/ near adult age is good. This is so minor compared to what other families suffer through. So dramatic!

Then the 2nd marriage for dad is just as doomed. Why should his kids bother to get the know the new wife and her kids? Since they are adults now they can start making their own holiday traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

You didn't answer---was there an affair? Was your brother "at fault" or was your exSIL the main issue? IMO that matters, also how long has it been since the divorces/separation.

She says it’s been 5 years. That’s really all we need to know .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do these kids expect their father to live as a single man for the rest of his life? Are they going to provide his elder care? His companionship? Or are they going to get married and have kids of their own? They need to let there( 50ish?) yesr old parents live their lives.

I think their hope was that he would marry someone they like better, with no kids or with kids they are more compatible with.

They aren't going to like any other woman better. These "kids" are young adults. What is their mom doing for the holiday? They may put up a big stink and then not come anyway because they don't want her to be alone. Just invite everyone. The "kids" will come around eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do these kids expect their father to live as a single man for the rest of his life? Are they going to provide his elder care? His companionship? Or are they going to get married and have kids of their own? They need to let there( 50ish?) yesr old parents live their lives.

I think their hope was that he would marry someone they like better, with no kids or with kids they are more compatible with.

And that’s fair. We all grieve things in our lives that don’t happen the way we want them to. Especially a big one like your dads new wife. And these adult kids are young and immature so they’re venting to their cousins saying childish stuff like “if dads wife comes, I’m not going!” But most likely, in reality, they will move on and behave like normal people and not boycott thanksgiving over something pretty routine like dad re marrying, once they’re adults and out of the house. Like this is small potatoes in terms of “family trauma”. They’ll be ok. The real issue here is OP reading her own college aged kids texts with their cousins. Doesn’t sound like the adult kids have actually threatened to boycott thanksgiving, so, this is a big nothingburger

If their dad can get divorced, showing everyone he thinks family relationships are optional, then they can skip Thanksgiving. They're not married to Thanksgiving. None of this was their idea.

Cut the hysteria. “Showing everyone he thinks family relationships are optional”. You guys are really projecting. More than half of marriages end in divorce. The fact that these 2 people stuck it out until their kids were adults/ near adult age is good. This is so minor compared to what other families suffer through. So dramatic!

Then the 2nd marriage for dad is just as doomed. Why should his kids bother to get the know the new wife and her kids? Since they are adults now they can start making their own holiday traditions.

Which is fine! And doesn’t involve refusing to invite people’s wives to holidays. They can come or not. Fine! Seriously fine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

I agree, as long as you were not the reason/affair for why his previous marriage ended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do these kids expect their father to live as a single man for the rest of his life? Are they going to provide his elder care? His companionship? Or are they going to get married and have kids of their own? They need to let there( 50ish?) yesr old parents live their lives.

I think their hope was that he would marry someone they like better, with no kids or with kids they are more compatible with.

And that’s fair. We all grieve things in our lives that don’t happen the way we want them to. Especially a big one like your dads new wife. And these adult kids are young and immature so they’re venting to their cousins saying childish stuff like “if dads wife comes, I’m not going!” But most likely, in reality, they will move on and behave like normal people and not boycott thanksgiving over something pretty routine like dad re marrying, once they’re adults and out of the house. Like this is small potatoes in terms of “family trauma”. They’ll be ok. The real issue here is OP reading her own college aged kids texts with their cousins. Doesn’t sound like the adult kids have actually threatened to boycott thanksgiving, so, this is a big nothingburger

If their dad can get divorced, showing everyone he thinks family relationships are optional, then they can skip Thanksgiving. They're not married to Thanksgiving. None of this was their idea.

Sure they can skip it. That will show their dad!

Super healthy dynamics. Skip a holiday to teach your parent a lesson.

Again/ the kids have what, vented to their cousins about it and that’s it? Why is OP wringing her hands.

It doesn't sound like they're trying to show him or teach their father anything. He probably knows exactly how they feel already.

They just don't want to come to Thanksgiving and that is fine. We're all allowed to set boundaries for ourselves, and more independence about holidays is part of becoming an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has no one in your family ever , ever gotten divorced? The amount of hand wringing going on here by the adult kids, the OP, the other cousins, etc is weird. Divorce is more common than non-divorce. Is your family full of special snowflakes or something?

My family is full of divorces and difficult, problematic step-relatives. That is how I know there's no point in trying to "blend" because the stepfamily will soon be the ex-stepfamily anyway. It's best to just live my own life away from all of this.

Sincerely,
ACOD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

OP said "nieces and nephew." Why are you criticizing the one male, but apparently it's totally fine for the (multiple) young women to "nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts (sic) Christmas?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

How effed up is that. That is petty and mean AF!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

Dumped and Do Over REALLY?!!
Are you the same poster who always speaks of divorces in this manner?
You need therapy.
Signed , a child of divorce!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids and was there an affair? I think generally the advice in these situations is to invite everyone and let them decide. If that means nephews won't go, that is on them. But the answers to my questions could change all of that.

They were teenagers. It was a very painful divorce. They are now 24, 21 and 19. My exSIL has moved on, I felt she was always the bigger person.

How long ago was the divorce?

5 years ago

And how long are these young men going to nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts Christmas dinner with their theatrics? 10 years? 15?

OP said "nieces and nephew." Why are you criticizing the one male, but apparently it's totally fine for the (multiple) young women to "nurse a grudge and try to ruin their aunts (sic) Christmas?"

Is their presence really going to make or break the holiday for their auntie? Come on.

If you're going to have a family with divorces in it, you're going to have to learn to be more flexible about having people, and not having people, according to their own choices. It's in really poor taste to make a fuss about not having your grandchildren all together for one day when they've lost the ability to have their parents and nuclear family together every day of the rest of their lives. It would be nice if everyone got along, but that's not the reality in this family and the nieces and nephews know that as well as anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has no one in your family ever , ever gotten divorced? The amount of hand wringing going on here by the adult kids, the OP, the other cousins, etc is weird. Divorce is more common than non-divorce. Is your family full of special snowflakes or something?

My family is full of divorces and difficult, problematic step-relatives. That is how I know there's no point in trying to "blend" because the stepfamily will soon be the ex-stepfamily anyway. It's best to just live my own life away from all of this.

Sincerely,
ACOD

Maybe your family is effed up, that’s not how our family does!