Husband refusing to push his surgery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. As painful as it is, put a pause on IVF, and either get therapy or some deep reflection on your marriage.

I don’t see your DH as being a jerk for wanting to have his surgery as soon as possible (personally, I would support him and even encourage him to take care of his health first, even though the timing is questionable).

But, his attitude in this entire situation is deeply troubling. If possible, just hit a pause button on IVF and give yourself a chance to think whether this is truly what you want in your life.

Why isn’t OP’s attitude deeply troubling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

He has a serious medical problem that can cause long term problems. It’s not exactly a want. A baby, on the other hand, is a want. So sounds like you got this reversed. Her wants over his needs.

[Anonymous]

Please reconsider having a baby between the two of you. You both sound immature.

Signed, society

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

And he’s getting a preview about how he’ll fail to matter and how she’ll see herself only as mother and not as wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

He has a serious medical problem that can cause long term problems. It’s not exactly a want. A baby, on the other hand, is a want. So sounds like you got this reversed. Her wants over his needs.

+1

So much knee-jerk criticism on this thread of the DH, from poeople who don't get how debilitating chronic pain can be.

And so much terrible projection of "He's showing you he'll be a terrible father!" nonsense.

OP should be asking herself why she hasn't already been pushing the partner she supposedly loves to get his pain dealt with effectively BEFORE they have a baby at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

Surgery isn't a want. A baby is a want. Your thinking is entirely upside down.

If he's having chronic pain that needs to be addressed before bringing a child into the marriage. Can the IVF wait a month?

Not now that she’s started her meds. This was a conversation to have a couple of months ago, when they were planning the ivf cycle.

Maybe his pain has worsened since that time. Do you really think he's plotting and scheming against OP? I think some posters here are so obsessed with IVF they forget, or ignore, the needs of humans who already exist....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. As painful as it is, put a pause on IVF, and either get therapy or some deep reflection on your marriage.

I don’t see your DH as being a jerk for wanting to have his surgery as soon as possible (personally, I would support him and even encourage him to take care of his health first, even though the timing is questionable).

But, his attitude in this entire situation is deeply troubling. If possible, just hit a pause button on IVF and give yourself a chance to think whether this is truly what you want in your life.

Why isn’t OP’s attitude deeply troubling?

While it is true that we don’t know DH’s side of the story, I don’t find OP’s attitude deeply troubling because IVF is a route that couples usually take after long and careful consideration. It takes a huge emotional toll on both partners. To have it started and then cancelled/rescheduled is not a small issue, even if the wife has started birth control pills only.

My degree of sympathy for DH depends on his attitude towards the impact his surgery will have on his wife at this point. I am not prioritizing one over the other, just talking about understanding and compassion between the two of them.

As I said, I would pause, support DH, and then try to understand how they got themselves into this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

Surgery isn't a want. A baby is a want. Your thinking is entirely upside down.

If he's having chronic pain that needs to be addressed before bringing a child into the marriage. Can the IVF wait a month?

Not now that she’s started her meds. This was a conversation to have a couple of months ago, when they were planning the ivf cycle.

Maybe his pain has worsened since that time. Do you really think he's plotting and scheming against OP? I think some posters here are so obsessed with IVF they forget, or ignore, the needs of humans who already exist....

Or the simple explanation could be correct. Husband is selfish.

[Anonymous]

So I had chronic pain for years and I finally found a doc who proposed a solution but it required surgery. I was so excited at the idea of maybe being pain free that I booked the surgery with zero thought on logistics of it. I just wanted to get it done and would have scheduled it that day if I was able to. Then of course the logistics set in (getting labs and a work up to be medically cleared, making sure someone could watch DS, making sure DH and I could get off work because he would need to take at least a week off, etc) and I ended up having to reschedule. So I guess I get his stubbornness. When you're close to the idea of being pain free and then have to come to terms with having to wait even longer, well, it really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

Surgery isn't a want. A baby is a want. Your thinking is entirely upside down.

If he's having chronic pain that needs to be addressed before bringing a child into the marriage. Can the IVF wait a month?

Not now that she’s started her meds. This was a conversation to have a couple of months ago, when they were planning the ivf cycle.

Maybe his pain has worsened since that time. Do you really think he's plotting and scheming against OP? I think some posters here are so obsessed with IVF they forget, or ignore, the needs of humans who already exist....

Or the simple explanation could be correct. Husband is selfish.

The fact that you leap immediately to "husband is selfish" as your "simple explanation" says volumes about you, not about this DH you do not know. I'm sorry if your spouse is selfish, but not everyone is, and to call someone selfish for wanting to end years of unending physical pain is frankly cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I had chronic pain for years and I finally found a doc who proposed a solution but it required surgery. I was so excited at the idea of maybe being pain free that I booked the surgery with zero thought on logistics of it. I just wanted to get it done and would have scheduled it that day if I was able to. Then of course the logistics set in (getting labs and a work up to be medically cleared, making sure someone could watch DS, making sure DH and I could get off work because he would need to take at least a week off, etc) and I ended up having to reschedule. So I guess I get his stubbornness. When you're close to the idea of being pain free and then have to come to terms with having to wait even longer, well, it really sucks.

All true. And it's amazing that the OP is so focused on the IVF she is more interested in that right now, than in her DH's chronic pain and his shot at being a husband and father who can live and enjoy and care for their future child without doing so while in pain.

[Anonymous]

Both of you digging your heals in does not bode well for cooperative parenting. Just schedule the surgery. They often move anyway when there is an emergency need for the OR. As it gets closer, have the two dr offices work together to make sure the procedures are at least a day apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

He has a serious medical problem that can cause long term problems. It’s not exactly a want. A baby, on the other hand, is a want. So sounds like you got this reversed. Her wants over his needs.

Especially since she hasn't done anything but go on birth control. On the other hand he has been dealing with chronic pain for 3 years and finally found a solution that wasn't a barely passable solution. His sounds far more like a need and hers far more like a want at this stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

Surgery isn't a want. A baby is a want. Your thinking is entirely upside down.

If he's having chronic pain that needs to be addressed before bringing a child into the marriage. Can the IVF wait a month?

Not now that she’s started her meds. This was a conversation to have a couple of months ago, when they were planning the ivf cycle.

Maybe his pain has worsened since that time. Do you really think he's plotting and scheming against OP? I think some posters here are so obsessed with IVF they forget, or ignore, the needs of humans who already exist....

Or the simple explanation could be correct. Husband is selfish.

No another simple explanation is that the wife is selfish. She has a partner who has been experiencing chronic pain for 3 years and she hasn't tried to help him once in trying to find a solution for the problem, but just let him flounder along with half measure solutions (antacids that only make the pain tolerable, not go away). When my wife had comparable pain, I was driving her to specialistis hundreds of miles away and helping her research potential solutions for her issues. We spent 13 years including 18 surgeries to deal with her problems. I took leave to get her to and from treatments and specialists and we put our family plans on hold. Because of her long health issues, we did not become parents until our 40s when were were both "old" for parents, but I prioritized her health first. We now have twin middle schoolers (courtesy of IVF) and we were able to do both, take care of her health issues and become parents.

I understand that this is a difficult situation and I personally think that both partners are being a little selfish here. I think the couple needs to explore all of their options. I don't see why so many people here are against them taking a day or two to call the two doctor's offices and see what the offices can do to help them resolve the issues. I think if a solution is available that allows both of them to get the procedures that they need is the best option. But they won't know if such an option is available until they talk to the doctors.

[Anonymous]

Team DH here. Having to wait another cycle is not on the same level as having to continue in chronic pain. But if the egg retrieval is more important than DH's medical issues then get him home care for a week.