Husband refusing to push his surgery

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Chronic pain affects more than just the body part afflicted. Lots of chronic pain suffers struggle with depression, substance abuse, full-scale addiction, and many suicides are directly tied to living in constant pain.

I’m Team DH on this one - you want him to be well if you’re going to try to have kids with him. Timing is unfortunate, but I don’t fault him at all in taking the available OR.

This. This is a surgery that is medically necessary to solve a problem for him. You should be thankful that he found a doctor who can help him, and I can see what he would want to do it ASAP. Show some grace and be happy for him. I can understand that IVF is high stress, but IMO medical conditions, especially one that is causing chronic pain, take greater priority.

This. Some PPs here are acting as if the man scheduled plastic surgery.

It’s elective surgery.

Guess what is also elective - IVF.

Once she starts stims it’s all locked down. Husband is being a giant baby.

Then there’s no problem since stimming hasn’t happened. Nothing is locked except for the spouse’s surgery.

So his needs suddenly trump hers.

Yes. Odd this has to be explained to you that surgery for chronic pain is more important than an IVF cycle.

There’s no date yet for the retrieval. If they really did end up being the same day, then they can arrange for alternate transportation for each.

Odd it this has to be explained to you that her husband is not willing to bend by even a few days. He’s lived for 3 years with this pain and just decided to get a second opinion when his wife’s IVF cycle was already planned out? Some emergency.

He's been dealing with this for 3 years. He's had a primary physician who was treating him with medications that just barely tolerably control his condition. He recently found another specialist to consult who finally gave him a new alternative and he took the first opportunity that was given to him.

Have you ever dealt with chronic pain? You work with one doctor and try all the alternatives that you can with that doctor. It isn't until you've exhausted the alternatives that they give you that you consider finding another doctor. Or you try to find a doctor and you have so many doctors that are not taking new patients or don't take your insurance. Someone finally mentions a doctor to you that you had never heard of before, so you decide to investigate. Now, try to do research into doctors and alternatives and finding ones that take you insurance while dealing with chronic pain. When you have chronic pain, things that take days, take weeks to do. Things that take weeks, take months. This process is long and arduous. Did OP try to help her partner with finding alternative specialists to treat his pain, or did she just mind her own business, go about her plans, and ignore his chronic condition. Having helped a partner who has chronic pain, I can certainly understand why someone dealing with this would take years to get to that point. It's not unreasonable.

However, drawing a line in the sand that he should forgo possible relief from a chronic condition without calling the surgeon and the RE specialist to search for alternatives is a problem. For example, if the surgeon can move patients around and take him later in the day and he could go to the clinic and give his sample an hour or two before her procedure and then head to the surgical center for his procedure and they have family members or friends drive both of them home. This may or may not be possible, but who knows what is possible until you pick up the phone and call the RE and the surgeon.

I can't believe all of you who immediately call him selfish and other names when you won't even pick up a stupid phone to call and ask what your options are before you make a decision. Some of you, who aren't willing to at least try to help a partner dealing with chronic pain are just divorces waiting to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

Surgery isn't a want. A baby is a want. Your thinking is entirely upside down.

If he's having chronic pain that needs to be addressed before bringing a child into the marriage. Can the IVF wait a month?

Not now that she’s started her meds. This was a conversation to have a couple of months ago, when they were planning the ivf cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic pain affects more than just the body part afflicted. Lots of chronic pain suffers struggle with depression, substance abuse, full-scale addiction, and many suicides are directly tied to living in constant pain.

I’m Team DH on this one - you want him to be well if you’re going to try to have kids with him. Timing is unfortunate, but I don’t fault him at all in taking the available OR.

This. This is a surgery that is medically necessary to solve a problem for him. You should be thankful that he found a doctor who can help him, and I can see what he would want to do it ASAP. Show some grace and be happy for him. I can understand that IVF is high stress, but IMO medical conditions, especially one that is causing chronic pain, take greater priority.

This. Some PPs here are acting as if the man scheduled plastic surgery.

It’s elective surgery.

Guess what is also elective - IVF.

Once she starts stims it’s all locked down. Husband is being a giant baby.

Then there’s no problem since stimming hasn’t happened. Nothing is locked except for the spouse’s surgery.

So his needs suddenly trump hers.

Yes. Odd this has to be explained to you that surgery for chronic pain is more important than an IVF cycle.

There’s no date yet for the retrieval. If they really did end up being the same day, then they can arrange for alternate transportation for each.

Odd it this has to be explained to you that her husband is not willing to bend by even a few days. He’s lived for 3 years with this pain and just decided to get a second opinion when his wife’s IVF cycle was already planned out? Some emergency.

He's been dealing with this for 3 years. He's had a primary physician who was treating him with medications that just barely tolerably control his condition. He recently found another specialist to consult who finally gave him a new alternative and he took the first opportunity that was given to him.

Have you ever dealt with chronic pain? You work with one doctor and try all the alternatives that you can with that doctor. It isn't until you've exhausted the alternatives that they give you that you consider finding another doctor. Or you try to find a doctor and you have so many doctors that are not taking new patients or don't take your insurance. Someone finally mentions a doctor to you that you had never heard of before, so you decide to investigate. Now, try to do research into doctors and alternatives and finding ones that take you insurance while dealing with chronic pain. When you have chronic pain, things that take days, take weeks to do. Things that take weeks, take months. This process is long and arduous. Did OP try to help her partner with finding alternative specialists to treat his pain, or did she just mind her own business, go about her plans, and ignore his chronic condition. Having helped a partner who has chronic pain, I can certainly understand why someone dealing with this would take years to get to that point. It's not unreasonable.

However, drawing a line in the sand that he should forgo possible relief from a chronic condition without calling the surgeon and the RE specialist to search for alternatives is a problem. For example, if the surgeon can move patients around and take him later in the day and he could go to the clinic and give his sample an hour or two before her procedure and then head to the surgical center for his procedure and they have family members or friends drive both of them home. This may or may not be possible, but who knows what is possible until you pick up the phone and call the RE and the surgeon.

I can't believe all of you who immediately call him selfish and other names when you won't even pick up a stupid phone to call and ask what your options are before you make a decision. Some of you, who aren't willing to at least try to help a partner dealing with chronic pain are just divorces waiting to happen.

Says the person who never went through ivf.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you’re being a little dramatic. It’s an egg retrieval, not a major procedure. Of course you’ll be able to help. Even with my absolute worse retrieval where I had those horrible complications and retained fluid and had to be on extreme protein, I would have been able to help. My last few cycles were at CCRM in Denver, and I went by myself and flew back the next day by myself. The one thing I’d be nervous about is of your retrieval gets pushed back far enough (I had one moved by 8 days), and your dh is in surgery or the day after and can’t provide his part. Ask your clinic, but ours froze a backup in situations like this. Your dh should go in and do that in case of a timing disaster

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

Surgery isn't a want. A baby is a want. Your thinking is entirely upside down.

If he's having chronic pain that needs to be addressed before bringing a child into the marriage. Can the IVF wait a month?

Not now that she’s started her meds. This was a conversation to have a couple of months ago, when they were planning the ivf cycle.

All she's taken is birth control at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you think egg retrieval is going to disable you to the point of not being able to help him. You'll be just fine.

+1

Aaah she cannot drive and hopefully he has already frozen the sperm? Sympathize with DH but unless these are very wealthy people with flexible jobs not sure why he wouldn't tell them it needs to be later and cause stress and conflict to stress out OP during a sensitive time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to answer the question of whether he needs to be present.

Someone needs to drive her home after the egg retrieval. The clinic will not let you leave alone. If not her spouse she’ll have to arrange for a friend, family member or medical transport service.

There is also Uber Health, and there is also the option of just waiting there until the clinic says it's okay to drive home.

No, you can’t just hang around the clinic.

Really? So they will kick you out on the street? That must really raise their malpractice rates!

[Anonymous]

All these people with frozen sperm are also odd? Fresh for both of my cycles this year, they didn't even mention a back up. Yeah you cannot have hernia surgery before this retrieval . . . .

[Anonymous]

This thread is why I tell me who are considering marriage to "Go read DCUM for a week first."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these people with frozen sperm are also odd? Fresh for both of my cycles this year, they didn't even mention a back up. Yeah you cannot have hernia surgery before this retrieval . . . .

You really think everyone uses fresh sperm?

[Anonymous]

Cancel the cycle. There is too much money on the line to have a failure due to scheduling conflicts between you and your husband.
Have him do a sperm test after the surgery to make sure all cylinders are ready to fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you both talk to the fertility doctor and to the surgeon and see what they recommend? Probably there is a workaround here. You don’t want him to not be able to give sperm when needed or have the sperm quality be impacted by the surgery.

Just talk to the doctors, they’ll help you figure out the best decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are

You don’t know anything about IVF. You don’t pick your retrieval day and you are not allowed to drive yourself home. They take your blood every day and do an ultrasound and then you find out the day and time of your egg retrieval surgery 2-3 days in advance. It cannot be moved because they have a limited window of a few hours to get the eggs. The whole cycle can cost $12-20k and it could all be thrown away because of her idiot husband.

Also none of this should be a surprise to him unless he is dumb or completely checked out. Our clinic made this info very clear to us.

+1
People who are clueless about IVF and haven’t gone through a cycle themselves should not be commenting authoritatively.

I’ve been through the IVF drug protocol 4 times and egg retrieval 3 times (one retrieval was canceled the day before I was supposed to do the trigger shot due to a dominant follicle). I know how IVF works. OP has only started BCP. No injections yet. She’s not far enough into the protocol that adjustments can’t be made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to answer the question of whether he needs to be present.

Someone needs to drive her home after the egg retrieval. The clinic will not let you leave alone. If not her spouse she’ll have to arrange for a friend, family member or medical transport service.

There is also Uber Health, and there is also the option of just waiting there until the clinic says it's okay to drive home.

No, you can’t just hang around the clinic.

Really? So they will kick you out on the street? That must really raise their malpractice rates!

Are you this clueless or just trolling?

[Anonymous]

OP. As painful as it is, put a pause on IVF, and either get therapy or some deep reflection on your marriage.

I don’t see your DH as being a jerk for wanting to have his surgery as soon as possible (personally, I would support him and even encourage him to take care of his health first, even though the timing is questionable).

But, his attitude in this entire situation is deeply troubling. If possible, just hit a pause button on IVF and give yourself a chance to think whether this is truly what you want in your life.