Husband refusing to push his surgery

[Anonymous]

He's the A-hole. Your IVF has been scheduled. He easily could have said "not until november" when scheduling his surgery. He needs to go donate a sample and have it frozen just in case he won't be available for your egg retreival day.

[Anonymous]

It is unfathomable to me that someone would have so little empathy for a partner suffering with chronic pain. OP is the AH. Better for DH to have the surgery now so that his suffering ends and, in the end, allows him to be a better partner.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like the DH is not very invested in having a baby. Is this his first? Does t bode well for his view of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

Surgery isn't a want. A baby is a want. Your thinking is entirely upside down.

If he's having chronic pain that needs to be addressed before bringing a child into the marriage. Can the IVF wait a month?

Not now that she’s started her meds. This was a conversation to have a couple of months ago, when they were planning the ivf cycle.

Maybe his pain has worsened since that time. Do you really think he's plotting and scheming against OP? I think some posters here are so obsessed with IVF they forget, or ignore, the needs of humans who already exist....

Or the simple explanation could be correct. Husband is selfish.

The fact that you leap immediately to "husband is selfish" as your "simple explanation" says volumes about you, not about this DH you do not know. I'm sorry if your spouse is selfish, but not everyone is, and to call someone selfish for wanting to end years of unending physical pain is frankly cruel.

Are you this dramatic IRL too, LOL? He could have chosen a week before or after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

Surgery isn't a want. A baby is a want. Your thinking is entirely upside down.

If he's having chronic pain that needs to be addressed before bringing a child into the marriage. Can the IVF wait a month?

Not now that she’s started her meds. This was a conversation to have a couple of months ago, when they were planning the ivf cycle.

Maybe his pain has worsened since that time. Do you really think he's plotting and scheming against OP? I think some posters here are so obsessed with IVF they forget, or ignore, the needs of humans who already exist....

Or the simple explanation could be correct. Husband is selfish.

No another simple explanation is that the wife is selfish. She has a partner who has been experiencing chronic pain for 3 years and she hasn't tried to help him once in trying to find a solution for the problem, but just let him flounder along with half measure solutions (antacids that only make the pain tolerable, not go away). When my wife had comparable pain, I was driving her to specialistis hundreds of miles away and helping her research potential solutions for her issues. We spent 13 years including 18 surgeries to deal with her problems. I took leave to get her to and from treatments and specialists and we put our family plans on hold. Because of her long health issues, we did not become parents until our 40s when were were both "old" for parents, but I prioritized her health first. We now have twin middle schoolers (courtesy of IVF) and we were able to do both, take care of her health issues and become parents.

I understand that this is a difficult situation and I personally think that both partners are being a little selfish here. I think the couple needs to explore all of their options. I don't see why so many people here are against them taking a day or two to call the two doctor's offices and see what the offices can do to help them resolve the issues. I think if a solution is available that allows both of them to get the procedures that they need is the best option. But they won't know if such an option is available until they talk to the doctors.

You don’t know what the wife did or didn’t do to help. Stop projecting your own issues onto others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a preview of how he's going to act during your pregnancy, labor, and if he's asked to watch his child. His wants above your needs.

He has a serious medical problem that can cause long term problems. It’s not exactly a want. A baby, on the other hand, is a want. So sounds like you got this reversed. Her wants over his needs.

One of the things about IVF which differs from a conventional pregnancy is there are no “oops” IVF babies. Insofar as the baby is a “want” it is both of their wants. Framing a baby as only what the OP wants is just basic misogyny.

And since it’s a 50% chance the reason they need IVF is DH related, all these great ideas about frozen sperm are beside the point.

[Anonymous]

Side question--does he drink much?

[Anonymous]

His body, his choice.

/thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His body, his choice.

/thread

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Side question--does he drink much?

Does she? Maybe that's why she can't conceive the normal way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Side question--does he drink much?

Does she? Maybe that's why she can't conceive the normal way.

No, I cannot believe you stooped that low to say such a horrible thing. … wow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You are

Uh, no. Thanks for letting us know you know nothing about IVF.

The idea you would expect your spouse to suffer needlessly through any extra chronic pain is gross and appalling.

The fact that he would let her start an IVF cycle and put its success at risk is gross and appalling. The time to bring this up was before they agreed to her stim schedule. She has already started her meds. This is absolutely awful behavior on his part.

OP, I would not have a kid with this man. This marriage is not going to hold. I'm sorry.

This. You will end up divorced. I
Promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are

Uh, no. Thanks for letting us know you know nothing about IVF.

The idea you would expect your spouse to suffer needlessly through any extra chronic pain is gross and appalling.

The fact that he would let her start an IVF cycle and put its success at risk is gross and appalling. The time to bring this up was before they agreed to her stim schedule. She has already started her meds. This is absolutely awful behavior on his part.

OP, I would not have a kid with this man. This marriage is not going to hold. I'm sorry.

This. You will end up divorced. I
Promise.

My God, such drama. 🙄 OP, life is much smoother and easier when your spouse doesn’t have years’ long chronic pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are

Uh, no. Thanks for letting us know you know nothing about IVF.

The idea you would expect your spouse to suffer needlessly through any extra chronic pain is gross and appalling.

The fact that he would let her start an IVF cycle and put its success at risk is gross and appalling. The time to bring this up was before they agreed to her stim schedule. She has already started her meds. This is absolutely awful behavior on his part.

OP, I would not have a kid with this man. This marriage is not going to hold. I'm sorry.

This. You will end up divorced. I
Promise.

My God, such drama. 🙄 OP, life is much smoother and easier when your spouse doesn’t have years’ long chronic pain.

You mean he’ll suddenly stop acting like a tantruming toddler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Side question--does he drink much?

Does she? Maybe that's why she can't conceive the normal way.

You mean because she’s trying with someone who may have two issues both impacted by alcohol consumption?