ILs comments on drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

We get that you are self-conscious about your heavy drinking, but that doesn’t mean any of us need to join you.

OP, DH needs to have a direct conversation with his parents, that now that the kids are older and are starting to notice, this needs to stop. I’m assuming you have never told them not to drink or what to drink or when, correct? If that’s the case, he can use that point to tell them, “We don’t comment on your choices; you need to extend that same courtesy to us.”

If it continues, you curb time with them.

NP. I'm late to this thread but the post above is the way to go, OP.

Your DH, not you, handles this. Frame it as about the kids hearing things DH and you do not want them hearing. The part about "We don't comment on your choices..." above is spot on, too. DH also may need to tell his parents that if the drinking talk persists even after his conversation with them, the kids won't be around as much, period.

One thing -- the ILs might get huffy and take offense etc. They might even start to think it's fine to undermine DH and you, as the kids get older, by making comments directly to the kids, maybe comments about the kids being excited to turn 18 (when you can drink beer and wine in some places) or whoopee, 21. That kind of talk normalizes drinking in a way that tweens and teens and college age kids just don't need to hear--they'll get plenty of pro-drinking messages from their peers and media anyway. I'd keep a close eye out for the ILs pulling stunts like comments directly to kids in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Neither did my friend who drank an handle of vodka a day. That was just what he needed to feel and act normal. His liver gave out at the age of 43.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

The water bottle is labeled “vodka”? Unusual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Neither did my friend who drank an handle of vodka a day. That was just what he needed to feel and act normal. His liver gave out at the age of 43.

My old boss drank 12 Budweisers every single day (after work) when I worked for him. That was 18 years, which was another 10 years ago. He's 10 years older than I am so he's been doing that for at least 35 years. He is skinny as a teenager, runs, swims, kayaks, and still goes camping.

Doubtful his liver is going out soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Neither did my friend who drank an handle of vodka a day. That was just what he needed to feel and act normal. His liver gave out at the age of 43.

My old boss drank 12 Budweisers every single day (after work) when I worked for him. That was 18 years, which was another 10 years ago. He's 10 years older than I am so he's been doing that for at least 35 years. He is skinny as a teenager, runs, swims, kayaks, and still goes camping.

Doubtful his liver is going out soon.

Um, OK?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Neither did my friend who drank an handle of vodka a day. That was just what he needed to feel and act normal. His liver gave out at the age of 43.

My old boss drank 12 Budweisers every single day (after work) when I worked for him. That was 18 years, which was another 10 years ago. He's 10 years older than I am so he's been doing that for at least 35 years. He is skinny as a teenager, runs, swims, kayaks, and still goes camping.

Doubtful his liver is going out soon.

Um, OK?

It was in contrast to the vodka drinker who drank themselves dead by 43.

[Anonymous]

I would think they're so accustomed to it, they need to drink at a certain time or else they get a mini-withdrawal and get really crabby. My grandpa was like that. Got antsy around 4:30 every day.

I also agree they want you to join because it validates them. But they might also want you to sit with them for social reasons. Sometimes seeing the hostess constantly working is stressful for guests-- they'd rather pretend it's not that much work for you to host them.

Cocktail hour is also a way that the elderly can avoid doing activities late in the afternoon, when they are tired. And it's a way to get the grandchildren to leave them alone. Do you not see the appeal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

We get that you are self-conscious about your heavy drinking, but that doesn’t mean any of us need to join you.

OP, DH needs to have a direct conversation with his parents, that now that the kids are older and are starting to notice, this needs to stop. I’m assuming you have never told them not to drink or what to drink or when, correct? If that’s the case, he can use that point to tell them, “We don’t comment on your choices; you need to extend that same courtesy to us.”

If it continues, you curb time with them.

NP. I'm late to this thread but the post above is the way to go, OP.

Your DH, not you, handles this. Frame it as about the kids hearing things DH and you do not want them hearing. The part about "We don't comment on your choices..." above is spot on, too. DH also may need to tell his parents that if the drinking talk persists even after his conversation with them, the kids won't be around as much, period.

One thing -- the ILs might get huffy and take offense etc. They might even start to think it's fine to undermine DH and you, as the kids get older, by making comments directly to the kids, maybe comments about the kids being excited to turn 18 (when you can drink beer and wine in some places) or whoopee, 21. That kind of talk normalizes drinking in a way that tweens and teens and college age kids just don't need to hear--they'll get plenty of pro-drinking messages from their peers and media anyway. I'd keep a close eye out for the ILs pulling stunts like comments directly to kids in the future.

OP here. Thank you and other PP so much. You are spot on that we don’t want the kids picking up on this kind of talk and pressure. We have no qualms with ILs drinking in our home, but the peer pressure and bad example of such commentary has got to stop. DH is going to have a talk with them, as you’ve suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think they're so accustomed to it, they need to drink at a certain time or else they get a mini-withdrawal and get really crabby. My grandpa was like that. Got antsy around 4:30 every day.

I also agree they want you to join because it validates them. But they might also want you to sit with them for social reasons. Sometimes seeing the hostess constantly working is stressful for guests-- they'd rather pretend it's not that much work for you to host them.

Cocktail hour is also a way that the elderly can avoid doing activities late in the afternoon, when they are tired. And it's a way to get the grandchildren to leave them alone. Do you not see the appeal?

OP here. I understand all that, and we do provide that atmosphere for them. It’s not like DH and I are making a fuss about dinner every day, just on holidays. (Why would only the “hostess” be “constantly working,” by the way.) DH and I drink sparkling water, sparkling cider or something like that, and the kids are old enough that they aren’t high-energy/demanding play time or anything. I see your point, but that’s not the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

We get that you are self-conscious about your heavy drinking, but that doesn’t mean any of us need to join you.

OP, DH needs to have a direct conversation with his parents, that now that the kids are older and are starting to notice, this needs to stop. I’m assuming you have never told them not to drink or what to drink or when, correct? If that’s the case, he can use that point to tell them, “We don’t comment on your choices; you need to extend that same courtesy to us.”

If it continues, you curb time with them.

NP. I'm late to this thread but the post above is the way to go, OP.

Your DH, not you, handles this. Frame it as about the kids hearing things DH and you do not want them hearing. The part about "We don't comment on your choices..." above is spot on, too. DH also may need to tell his parents that if the drinking talk persists even after his conversation with them, the kids won't be around as much, period.

One thing -- the ILs might get huffy and take offense etc. They might even start to think it's fine to undermine DH and you, as the kids get older, by making comments directly to the kids, maybe comments about the kids being excited to turn 18 (when you can drink beer and wine in some places) or whoopee, 21. That kind of talk normalizes drinking in a way that tweens and teens and college age kids just don't need to hear--they'll get plenty of pro-drinking messages from their peers and media anyway. I'd keep a close eye out for the ILs pulling stunts like comments directly to kids in the future.

OP here. Thank you and other PP so much. You are spot on that we don’t want the kids picking up on this kind of talk and pressure. We have no qualms with ILs drinking in our home, but the peer pressure and bad example of such commentary has got to stop. DH is going to have a talk with them, as you’ve suggested.

Someone randomly bumped your thread from August and you noticed in time to reply within an hour of the new post?

I'll bite anyhow. You don't need to worry so much about your husband talking to the in-laws or stopping the pressure and bad example your in laws are setting. You, the parents, are modeling how to respond to this pressure by not giving in and joining the drinking. You, the parents, are way more influential and what you're doing is more powerful than the opposite influence. Just keep it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

Not all drunks. Some alcoholics, like my parents, just drink excessively without seeming to notice or care what others do. They never even offer me or anyone else a drink when they’re making themselves a cocktail or “grabbing a beer” or pouring a huge glass of wine. They’re too self involved or maybe they just want to try to keep their drinking under my radar (which obviously isn’t possible with the amounts they drink).

My aunt is like this. She drinks vodka out of a labeled water bottle all day long and NEVER offers anyone any alcoholic drink when hosting. The weirdest thing is that she never even seems drunk.

Neither did my friend who drank an handle of vodka a day. That was just what he needed to feel and act normal. His liver gave out at the age of 43.

My old boss drank 12 Budweisers every single day (after work) when I worked for him. That was 18 years, which was another 10 years ago. He's 10 years older than I am so he's been doing that for at least 35 years. He is skinny as a teenager, runs, swims, kayaks, and still goes camping.

Doubtful his liver is going out soon.

A 12-pack of bud is 20 units of alcohol. A handle of vodka is 70 units. The latter is not an amount you can drink for long without serious consequences.

[Anonymous]

This is a UMC boomer thing. Don’t you remember the fully stocked wet bars in late 1970s and 1980s houses and remodels or the dark wood clubby bars in country clubs? Cocktails were a thing.

They aren’t necessarily alcoholics but they are doing the boomers behaving badly thing. They are oblivious that times have changed and are chastising and passive aggressively trying to get you to conform to their expectations. They want you to be the happy hostess announcing cocktail hour, serving them the drinks and a tray of light snacks. Your husband should join in and after everyone is served you can partake as well. By telling them to help themselves, you’ve destroyed their expectations of cocktail hour. Cocktail hour is not self serve if there is a woman to serve them! Cocktail hour isn’t something they would do on their own, it’s about being entertained by their host and hostess.

Just ignore their comments and keep saying help yourself.

[Anonymous]

Are they like this about any other issue?

I think they’re alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

Why would you care what alcoholics think of you? Alcohol is a poison. Be grateful you’re not addicted.

[Anonymous]

I really think you’re over estimating the impact this will have on your kids. My family drinks way more than my husband and I do. My kids don’t seem to notice or care. (Funny, I had a beer over the weekend and my teen joked that I would be under the table. I didn’t tell him about the time I out drank a bunch of zrOTC guys in college.).
When my fairly offers, I typically just say no thanks, of somethings that I prefer to eat my empty calories/save them for dessert, or that I’m already exhausted and a drink will just make me go to sleep. (Then the Kayla comes out for the coffee!). My kids are teens now and don’t drink. My family’s consumption really does not affect them. If anything it’s going to make your family look a little pathetic to teens—that they are constantly begging you to join in. It’s thirsty in every sense of the word.