ILs comments on drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

This! I want to hang out with your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not going to find the right words to get functional alcoholics to stop acting like functional alcoholics. Instead, explain to your kids what is happening. Explain about addition and peer pressure and how, even though you love them, the grandparents are making bad choices by trying to pressure other people to drink, and they are doing it because their bodies and brains are addicted to it. It's up to you whether you do this in front of the grandparents or not.

From a young age and their cousins knew that their grandfather didn't "count" as a grown up watching them in their pool because he "drank too much and got too sleepy to pay attention". It bothered him that we said that, but it bothered us that he would continually invite the kids to jump in before any other adults were around and he was half sloshed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say "mmm a lemonade sounds perfect to me right now" and do that. The kids also agree that lemonade is preferable. It gets everyone comfortable with a fact of life that some people are drinking but you can have something else. Kids get that.

Lemonade is a suger bomb and horrible for health and teeth. Better to have a beer 🍺

[Anonymous]

Just say--you can drink without us. We aren't judging your multiple drinks per day. I am actually impressed that you can have that much alcohol and feel ok. That ended after my 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just smile. Not worth “shutting it down” if it’s just an annoying remark.

I’m not going to teach my kids to “just smile” in the face of peer pressure, but you do you.

Your kids are probably already drinking and partying if they are teens. You will be the last to know. Teens lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say "mmm a lemonade sounds perfect to me right now" and do that. The kids also agree that lemonade is preferable. It gets everyone comfortable with a fact of life that some people are drinking but you can have something else. Kids get that.

lemonade has its issues as well

No, lemonade has “calories.” Those of us who are a healthy weight and don’t have to obsess over every little calorie enjoy lemonade sometimes. I’m sorry you have no wiggle room, but plenty of wiggle.

And tons of suger…white poison.

[Anonymous]

My ILs told me ever time my kids cried as babies I was supposed to give them bourbon. Let’s just say my kids never slept at their grandparents house ever.

[Anonymous]

I don't drink alcohol at all, ever. In my experience, people who make repeated comments about a lack of drinking feel Some Kind of Way about their own drinking. Sometimes they are going on the offensive to try to shut you down from commenting on their drinking, sometimes they want you to drink so you're less likely to comment on their drinking, etc.

Unfortunately, the only solution I've found to work is to simply spend less time with people like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say "mmm a lemonade sounds perfect to me right now" and do that. The kids also agree that lemonade is preferable. It gets everyone comfortable with a fact of life that some people are drinking but you can have something else. Kids get that.

Lemonade is a suger bomb and horrible for health and teeth. Better to have a beer 🍺

Here’s what: some of us know how to enjoy all things in life in *moderation.* That includes lemonade, beer, cupcakes and potato chips. If you “need” a 5 p.m. cocktail or alcohol with lunch, whatever, dude. I’m going to have my occasional lemonade and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

There is a strong genetic component to alcoholism. Start talking to your kids about the dangers of alcohol and that alcoholism kills early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to find the right words to get functional alcoholics to stop acting like functional alcoholics. Instead, explain to your kids what is happening. Explain about addition and peer pressure and how, even though you love them, the grandparents are making bad choices by trying to pressure other people to drink, and they are doing it because their bodies and brains are addicted to it. It's up to you whether you do this in front of the grandparents or not.

From a young age and their cousins knew that their grandfather didn't "count" as a grown up watching them in their pool because he "drank too much and got too sleepy to pay attention". It bothered him that we said that, but it bothered us that he would continually invite the kids to jump in before any other adults were around and he was half sloshed.

This. Tell them your IL are addicted to alcohol. Most Americans don't "need" to drink at lunch. Most Americans don't "need" to drink every evening.

[Anonymous]

Not a good example for their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

We get that you are self-conscious about your heavy drinking, but that doesn’t mean any of us need to join you.

OP, DH needs to have a direct conversation with his parents, that now that the kids are older and are starting to notice, this needs to stop. I’m assuming you have never told them not to drink or what to drink or when, correct? If that’s the case, he can use that point to tell them, “We don’t comment on your choices; you need to extend that same courtesy to us.”

If it continues, you curb time with them.

Parents will not stop. Don't even waste your time on that conversation. Alcoholics are going to drink. It is best to curb your time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"You guys are alcoholics and I don't want to be that way or raise my kids that way. If you can't control your drinking around us, at least stop talking about it. We're tolerating your drinking, but barely, so don't draw attention to it."

I would be very direct, because they're clearly functional alcoholics, it's bad for their health, and it's the height of hypocrisy and rudeness for them to try and rope you into an unhealthy lifestyle. The bonus is that if they take offense, they might distance themselves, which would be great!

You don't know that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really care what functional alcoholics think about your drinking habits?

This. Tell them you are comfortable drinking that much. You have young kids you need to be present for.