ILs comments on drinking

[Anonymous]

My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

[Anonymous]

Do you really care what functional alcoholics think about your drinking habits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

We get that you are self-conscious about your heavy drinking, but that doesn’t mean any of us need to join you.

OP, DH needs to have a direct conversation with his parents, that now that the kids are older and are starting to notice, this needs to stop. I’m assuming you have never told them not to drink or what to drink or when, correct? If that’s the case, he can use that point to tell them, “We don’t comment on your choices; you need to extend that same courtesy to us.”

If it continues, you curb time with them.

[Anonymous]

This problem has very little to do with drinking and a lot to do with what your in-laws talk about in front of your kids, who are old enough to understand.

You'd have the same problem if they were commenting on your body, your food choices, or how you discipline your kids. Or if their interpersonal dynamic was one you didn't want your kids around (this is my problem). Or if they couldn't stop talking about things in the news that weren't age appropriate for your kids (this is my spouse's problem).

The solution is, yes, for your husband to have a direct conversation with them and tell them to stop. But be aware that these dynamics can be really tricky to interrupt (and can lead to hurt feelings and petty pouting). I've found that limiting time with our parents and mostly seeing them on our turf has been the most successful remedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs drink every day, usually a beer or two with lunch, at least one gin- or whiskey-based cocktail at 5, and usually also wine with dinner.

DH and I sometimes have either a cocktail or a glass of wine, but usually not. We just don’t happen to drink much.

They comment. Peer-pressure-y questions about why not, and dumb remarks like “We didn’t raise you right” or “You’re missing out.” We just brush it off, but now that my kids are older, I don’t like this dynamic. Suggestions on how to shut it down once and for all?

I have one: lighten up. Join them. They’re right.

I have one: lighten up, smile, and say no thanks. Don't join them in their daily drinking habits. They're wrong.

[Anonymous]

I dunno, I might think about talking to the kids, especially as they reach their teen years. Or saying something back with your kids ears in mind.

"It's so sad that Grandma always wants more people to be drinking with her. I think she knows she's hurting her health, and she feels self conscious about it. It's okay though, we can just say no and enjoy our time together."

That's the kind of lesson I'd want my kid to have fresh for high school. You're a walking example of not caving to peer pressure.

[Anonymous]

Just say "mmm a lemonade sounds perfect to me right now" and do that. The kids also agree that lemonade is preferable. It gets everyone comfortable with a fact of life that some people are drinking but you can have something else. Kids get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This problem has very little to do with drinking and a lot to do with what your in-laws talk about in front of your kids, who are old enough to understand.

You'd have the same problem if they were commenting on your body, your food choices, or how you discipline your kids. Or if their interpersonal dynamic was one you didn't want your kids around (this is my problem). Or if they couldn't stop talking about things in the news that weren't age appropriate for your kids (this is my spouse's problem).

The solution is, yes, for your husband to have a direct conversation with them and tell them to stop. But be aware that these dynamics can be really tricky to interrupt (and can lead to hurt feelings and petty pouting). I've found that limiting time with our parents and mostly seeing them on our turf has been the most successful remedy.

+1. DH is in for a difficult conversation, most likely, because it is already clear that they are defensive about their drinking: that’s why they want you to join them, because it makes them feel less self-conscious and more part of “the norm.”

PP is right. Try to have the conversation on your home turf, and try to arrange visits so that you are either in your own home, or maybe at a vacation spot where the only drinking you would even presumably be doing is in a restaurant or something.

My ILs do something similar. Their schtick is that they “share” drinks, as if we don’t notice that five “shared” G&T’s is 2.5 each. Just own it.

[Anonymous]

Agree drunks always want you to drink with them. It's the worst.

You're probably not going to shut it down and I would openly discuss it with your children and why it's problematic. They are noticing.

[Anonymous]

Wow if I had that much alcohol in a day I’d weigh 300 pounds. That’s a lot of unnecessary extra calories.

[Anonymous]

Spend way less time with these people.

You will not be able to stop them from making these comments, because making these comments is part of them propping up their sense of themselves and they're not going to want to stop doing that.

[Anonymous]

OP here…thank you. DH is going to have a private word with them next time it happens.

[Anonymous]

"You guys are alcoholics and I don't want to be that way or raise my kids that way. If you can't control your drinking around us, at least stop talking about it. We're tolerating your drinking, but barely, so don't draw attention to it."

I would be very direct, because they're clearly functional alcoholics, it's bad for their health, and it's the height of hypocrisy and rudeness for them to try and rope you into an unhealthy lifestyle. The bonus is that if they take offense, they might distance themselves, which would be great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say "mmm a lemonade sounds perfect to me right now" and do that. The kids also agree that lemonade is preferable. It gets everyone comfortable with a fact of life that some people are drinking but you can have something else. Kids get that.

lemonade has its issues as well