Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am your husband! And I am a wife!

It’s not over two plates, obviously, but I DEFINITELY read my husband leaving messes or halfassing his measly share of the chores as disrespect to me. It makes me feel insulted.

We have worked on this in couple’s therapy. I’ve been able to change my thinking somewhat. I still feel insulted by it a lot of the time, tbh.

I would say in general I’m pretty easy going and accommodating and this definitely happens to me more when I’m otherwise stressed out.

One thing you might do to head it off is if you need to leave something you know bothers him undone, communicate about it. A text that says “I ran out of time for the plates, will get them at dinner.” Or “I ran out of time for the plates can you help?” Should he just pick them up anyway? Arguably yes! But if he feels insulted the way I do, communicating is the best way to help imo.

OP here. PP, my situation is quite different, because I am not "halfassing" my "measly share of the chores", but instead I do everything around the house and related to our kid. All he does is go grocery shopping on the weekend. I really don't think that I should have to text him about two plates that I left on the counter before rushing out at 7 on a Sunday to spend the day parenting our kid while he was free to spend the day as he pleased.

I often leave plates etc on the counter in the mornings, because I don't clean up the kitchen before drop-off and heading to work. I still don't consider this as a sign of disrespect toward my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it's just a power struggle, not emotional abuse?

Np

It’s both. And He’s a bonafide a hole either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

How did he get the number of this mom? That would be weird for anyone to do rather than talk to you first. The guy can't pick up a dish or do his own laundry but has the audacity to call up a mom and criticize a young boy when he doesn't even have to do anything related to him? Criticizes you but instead this time he bypassed you to call her up? It doesn't add up. That is a huge deal but one I kind of doubt actually happened with this guy. He would criticize and put it on you if the pattern repeated, no?

OP here. My husband has the phone number of other parents of both genders, just like I have the phone numbers of (and actually talk to) not only of the moms but also of the dads. What is so strange about that? Furthermore, specifically with these parents we actually happen to be friends, so I don't see anything weird about him calling her. I do see a problem with him making this about himself instead of "this boy being here makes our son uncomfortable". That boy never did anything to my husband, they barely ever saw each other.

OP here again. PP, why do you doubt that this actually happened? Do you think that people on this forum just make up stuff? We all have things to do and most definitely do not want to waste our time here if we were not looking for answers to real problems. I hate it when some are so quick to shout troll, just because something they read does not fit with their life experience.

You seem perfectly capable of approaching your husband with your words. You are not a walking on eggshells kind of gal at least with posters here. If you can say that stuff here, you can approach your husband.
It is weird because first off if you are friends with the family you don't just call someone up like that and complain about their kid. Second, since this is the domestic realm, it doesn't make sense that he would just take matters into his own hands here and unilaterally call them without making it your issue. Also, if he's friends with the family, why would he call the mom and not the dad he's friends with? Anyway, I'd be done with you as a family if someone did this to me out of the blue. Whether you tolerate that is your choice.

Troll.

Jeff needs to check this thread for serious posting issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am your husband! And I am a wife!

It’s not over two plates, obviously, but I DEFINITELY read my husband leaving messes or halfassing his measly share of the chores as disrespect to me. It makes me feel insulted.

We have worked on this in couple’s therapy. I’ve been able to change my thinking somewhat. I still feel insulted by it a lot of the time, tbh.

I would say in general I’m pretty easy going and accommodating and this definitely happens to me more when I’m otherwise stressed out.

One thing you might do to head it off is if you need to leave something you know bothers him undone, communicate about it. A text that says “I ran out of time for the plates, will get them at dinner.” Or “I ran out of time for the plates can you help?” Should he just pick them up anyway? Arguably yes! But if he feels insulted the way I do, communicating is the best way to help imo.

OP here. PP, my situation is quite different, because I am not "halfassing" my "measly share of the chores", but instead I do everything around the house and related to our kid. All he does is go grocery shopping on the weekend. I really don't think that I should have to text him about two plates that I left on the counter before rushing out at 7 on a Sunday to spend the day parenting our kid while he was free to spend the day as he pleased.

I often leave plates etc on the counter in the mornings, because I don't clean up the kitchen before drop-off and heading to work. I still don't consider this as a sign of disrespect toward my husband.

I’m not arguing that it actually IS disrespect. I’m just saying I PERCEIVE disrespect where there actually isn’t any (or intended) and in that way your DH might be like me. The dynamic is kind of separate from the issue of chore parity. I think it’s been helpful for me to detangle the two.

But it sounds like you hate him and he’s a jerk so just get divorced honestly.

[Anonymous]

I can’t read through all the replies but did you marry my ex husband? Because I got a similar text a few years ago.
I would call a divorce lawyer. I promise you life is better alone than dealing with this crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

How did he get the number of this mom? That would be weird for anyone to do rather than talk to you first. The guy can't pick up a dish or do his own laundry but has the audacity to call up a mom and criticize a young boy when he doesn't even have to do anything related to him? Criticizes you but instead this time he bypassed you to call her up? It doesn't add up. That is a huge deal but one I kind of doubt actually happened with this guy. He would criticize and put it on you if the pattern repeated, no?

OP here. My husband has the phone number of other parents of both genders, just like I have the phone numbers of (and actually talk to) not only of the moms but also of the dads. What is so strange about that? Furthermore, specifically with these parents we actually happen to be friends, so I don't see anything weird about him calling her. I do see a problem with him making this about himself instead of "this boy being here makes our son uncomfortable". That boy never did anything to my husband, they barely ever saw each other.

You are going to stop being able to have couple friends if your DH does stuff like tell other adults which kids they can and can’t invite over. That is crazy that he made that call. He sounds rude, controlling and awful.

[Anonymous]

It's weird though that all these kids would be coming over in the evening to their house to play on a workday and then on the weekend they are away from each other for the entire day and yet they have such a strained relationship but have no problem with this playdate or leaving each other on the weekend. I would have been very wary of having a playdate with anyone on a Friday night.

She seems to hate him so she should divorce, and he seems to constantly be annoyed by her, so win win.

[Anonymous]

I would click “ha ha” on his post and get a divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Agree this is not good behavior by husband.

I will say that at night after DC is in bed if I do all the dishes and my SO has a snack and then leaves the dish out without putting in the dishwasher I get pissed. Is that a lack of respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

How would I react? I would be getting myself a full time job immediately and arranging for child care. I would also be filing for divorce. I don't want to live like that, but I guess you do. Enjoy that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed if you left dirty dishes on the counter. I wouldn’t say anything if it was a one time thing. But it’s not a big deal to put them in the sink or dishwasher. This isn’t likely about leaving dishes once.

You sound like a creep.

[Anonymous]

These threads just make me so so grateful. I leave cups on the counter in the morning and DH leaves snack bowls on the coffee table at night. And neither of us cares because…it doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

It’s not about the single text and you know it. Try reading the whole post again, for comprehension this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that DCUM says the answer is divorce in every situation, but in this case, it really is the answer. Your husband will not change, and your life will only become more stressful as your kid gets older. Start preparing to get out.

It really is not. It is 2 dishes which is not divorce worthy and she hasn't even discussed how she felt disrespected yet. We don't even know the other instances. What he had going on the same day. Why they needed to rush, etc. Sounds like they didn't actually need to rush btw.

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Then learn to eat your husband’s crap, because he is very unlikely to change.

And accept the fact that by eating your husband’s crap, you are teaching your son, the best thing that ever happened to you, that it is okay for women to be treated like crap by their husbands. And then he is likely to grow up to be a man who treats women like crap.

I can only speak from experience. My father treated my mother like crap, my brother started practicing the skills with me, his little sister, in childhood and then carried on to be a mean and nasty partner to multiple girlfriends and wives. Now he’s teaching his son and daughter the same lessons. This is how misogyny is perpetuated.

This is why you should never ask for advice here OP. So many angry divorced women. My marriage didn't work out, so you can't have yours either attitude.

I told her to leave and I’m happily married for 2+ decades. She’s tiptoeing around his repeated angry outbursts. Screw that.