Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

So it's just a power struggle, not emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

How did he get the number of this mom? That would be weird for anyone to do rather than talk to you first. The guy can't pick up a dish or do his own laundry but has the audacity to call up a mom and criticize a young boy when he doesn't even have to do anything related to him? Criticizes you but instead this time he bypassed you to call her up? It doesn't add up. That is a huge deal but one I kind of doubt actually happened with this guy. He would criticize and put it on you if the pattern repeated, no?

OP here. My husband has the phone number of other parents of both genders, just like I have the phone numbers of (and actually talk to) not only of the moms but also of the dads. What is so strange about that? Furthermore, specifically with these parents we actually happen to be friends, so I don't see anything weird about him calling her. I do see a problem with him making this about himself instead of "this boy being here makes our son uncomfortable". That boy never did anything to my husband, they barely ever saw each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like his focus on "respect". Does he think he is a sort of king who needs to be served? Or does he think manhood means being served? Is he black? Sometimes AA get sucked into this mentality (always demanding "respect"), ask a black woman, we know--not that all men we know are like this but it is a presence in some in the community.

OP here. My husband is not AA. We have Western European roots. Still, respect is a huge issue with him, because he does not seem to be getting much in his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Divorce is the default knee jerk reaction from most people but if you can make it work, you owe it to your child to try. Talk to your husband when you both are relaxed about why kindness in marriage is as necessary as respect and why respect goes both ways. If you are smart enough to train a dog or raise a child, you can retrain a husband but aim should be for for mutual benefit not just yours.

You talk about respect but then turn around and talk about "retraining" and adult the way you'd train a dog? GTFO. The reason you divorce is because people aren't dogs to send to obedience school.

[Anonymous]

The problem with DCUM is that Moms crowdsource their problems with other Moms, and share just one side of the story, and of course get an echo chamber filled with sympathy to poor victim Mom and slamming the ass husband. I guess it is therapeutic in a way.

[Anonymous]

So you want your son raised in a household where men do no work inside the home and snipe at their partners, but suffer no consequences? That’s a pretty poor husband you’re creating for a young woman out there— and as others have pointed out, no one needs a poor husband in 2023 or later.

So get a full time job, kid goes to daycare, your husband gets the traditional choice between therapy and divorce. But living like this is not in your child’s best interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

How did he get the number of this mom? That would be weird for anyone to do rather than talk to you first. The guy can't pick up a dish or do his own laundry but has the audacity to call up a mom and criticize a young boy when he doesn't even have to do anything related to him? Criticizes you but instead this time he bypassed you to call her up? It doesn't add up. That is a huge deal but one I kind of doubt actually happened with this guy. He would criticize and put it on you if the pattern repeated, no?

OP here. My husband has the phone number of other parents of both genders, just like I have the phone numbers of (and actually talk to) not only of the moms but also of the dads. What is so strange about that? Furthermore, specifically with these parents we actually happen to be friends, so I don't see anything weird about him calling her. I do see a problem with him making this about himself instead of "this boy being here makes our son uncomfortable". That boy never did anything to my husband, they barely ever saw each other.

OP here again. PP, why do you doubt that this actually happened? Do you think that people on this forum just make up stuff? We all have things to do and most definitely do not want to waste our time here if we were not looking for answers to real problems. I hate it when some are so quick to shout troll, just because something they read does not fit with their life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like his focus on "respect". Does he think he is a sort of king who needs to be served? Or does he think manhood means being served? Is he black? Sometimes AA get sucked into this mentality (always demanding "respect"), ask a black woman, we know--not that all men we know are like this but it is a presence in some in the community.

OP here. My husband is not AA. We have Western European roots. Still, respect is a huge issue with him, because he does not seem to be getting much in his job.

Are you first generation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

How did he get the number of this mom? That would be weird for anyone to do rather than talk to you first. The guy can't pick up a dish or do his own laundry but has the audacity to call up a mom and criticize a young boy when he doesn't even have to do anything related to him? Criticizes you but instead this time he bypassed you to call her up? It doesn't add up. That is a huge deal but one I kind of doubt actually happened with this guy. He would criticize and put it on you if the pattern repeated, no?

OP here. My husband has the phone number of other parents of both genders, just like I have the phone numbers of (and actually talk to) not only of the moms but also of the dads. What is so strange about that? Furthermore, specifically with these parents we actually happen to be friends, so I don't see anything weird about him calling her. I do see a problem with him making this about himself instead of "this boy being here makes our son uncomfortable". That boy never did anything to my husband, they barely ever saw each other.

OP here again. PP, why do you doubt that this actually happened? Do you think that people on this forum just make up stuff? We all have things to do and most definitely do not want to waste our time here if we were not looking for answers to real problems. I hate it when some are so quick to shout troll, just because something they read does not fit with their life experience.

You seem perfectly capable of approaching your husband with your words. You are not a walking on eggshells kind of gal at least with posters here. If you can say that stuff here, you can approach your husband.
It is weird because first off if you are friends with the family you don't just call someone up like that and complain about their kid. Second, since this is the domestic realm, it doesn't make sense that he would just take matters into his own hands here and unilaterally call them without making it your issue. Also, if he's friends with the family, why would he call the mom and not the dad he's friends with? Anyway, I'd be done with you as a family if someone did this to me out of the blue. Whether you tolerate that is your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

It sounds like he doesn't know how to operate in polite society. I know that people from particular European countries are blunt with no filter, but calling the other mother with that explanation is odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like his focus on "respect". Does he think he is a sort of king who needs to be served? Or does he think manhood means being served? Is he black? Sometimes AA get sucked into this mentality (always demanding "respect"), ask a black woman, we know--not that all men we know are like this but it is a presence in some in the community.

OP here. My husband is not AA. We have Western European roots. Still, respect is a huge issue with him, because he does not seem to be getting much in his job.

So he is taking his frustrations out on you that he can't express at work? You OK being his punching bag?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

How did he get the number of this mom? That would be weird for anyone to do rather than talk to you first. The guy can't pick up a dish or do his own laundry but has the audacity to call up a mom and criticize a young boy when he doesn't even have to do anything related to him? Criticizes you but instead this time he bypassed you to call her up? It doesn't add up. That is a huge deal but one I kind of doubt actually happened with this guy. He would criticize and put it on you if the pattern repeated, no?

OP here. My husband has the phone number of other parents of both genders, just like I have the phone numbers of (and actually talk to) not only of the moms but also of the dads. What is so strange about that? Furthermore, specifically with these parents we actually happen to be friends, so I don't see anything weird about him calling her. I do see a problem with him making this about himself instead of "this boy being here makes our son uncomfortable". That boy never did anything to my husband, they barely ever saw each other.

OP here again. PP, why do you doubt that this actually happened? Do you think that people on this forum just make up stuff? We all have things to do and most definitely do not want to waste our time here if we were not looking for answers to real problems. I hate it when some are so quick to shout troll, just because something they read does not fit with their life experience.

You seem perfectly capable of approaching your husband with your words. You are not a walking on eggshells kind of gal at least with posters here. If you can say that stuff here, you can approach your husband.
It is weird because first off if you are friends with the family you don't just call someone up like that and complain about their kid. Second, since this is the domestic realm, it doesn't make sense that he would just take matters into his own hands here and unilaterally call them without making it your issue. Also, if he's friends with the family, why would he call the mom and not the dad he's friends with? Anyway, I'd be done with you as a family if someone did this to me out of the blue. Whether you tolerate that is your choice.

OP here. My husband called that mom because it was her (and not her husband) who invited this other boy that our son does not want to be friends with anymore. My husband did not complain about the kid of the mom he called, but about her having invited another kid.

[Anonymous]

So he did you and the kid a favor by making it about him. That was actually kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

How do you make it work with someone who used the time it would have taken to put the two plates in the dishwasher to take a photo of them and tell you that showed a lack of respect to him? Unless this is an ongoing issue/there are more details here that you haven't shared.

[Anonymous]

I am your husband! And I am a wife!

It’s not over two plates, obviously, but I DEFINITELY read my husband leaving messes or halfassing his measly share of the chores as disrespect to me. It makes me feel insulted.

We have worked on this in couple’s therapy. I’ve been able to change my thinking somewhat. I still feel insulted by it a lot of the time, tbh.

I would say in general I’m pretty easy going and accommodating and this definitely happens to me more when I’m otherwise stressed out.

One thing you might do to head it off is if you need to leave something you know bothers him undone, communicate about it. A text that says “I ran out of time for the plates, will get them at dinner.” Or “I ran out of time for the plates can you help?” Should he just pick them up anyway? Arguably yes! But if he feels insulted the way I do, communicating is the best way to help imo.