Will I regret not having a third?

[Anonymous]

I always wanted 3 kids as well. My husband does not so we will stick w 2 but I just wanted to say I know how you feel, OP. When you’ve imagined your family w 3+ kids for so long, it’s hard to not feel some regret at not trying for a 3rd. But realistically, I know 3 would be very hard. I don’t want to get less time w each of my current 2 kids. I want to have it be 1-1 between parents and kids so each kid always has at least one parent there for them. I want to be able to give our kids more $ for college, grad school, down payments but also I want to be able to take them on more trips, buy them nice things, which we couldn’t afford as much if we had 3+ kids.

In terms of limits on parents’ time and money, I think 1-2 kids is best. 3+ and parents are spread too thin.

[Anonymous]

I love my third and I love our large age gap. My boys were 5 and 7 when my daughter was born. I thought having 2 kids close together was far more difficult than having a baby and two kids who were self sufficient. A 5yo is not needy like a 2yoZ

[Anonymous]

I am one of three and honestly the third child was extremely difficult. My parents were overwhelmed and spent most of their energy with the last child. My other sibling and I often had to be very independent. I honestly felt like we would have been happier as a two child family. My younger sibling has so many issues and isn't talking to most of the family anyway.

[Anonymous]

Well you could always end up like me. Never had a single fertility problem. Got pregnant immediately at 36. Baby boy died in utero right before Christmas which meant major surgery, almost bled out on the table. Since then? 5 pregnancy losses and 2 years later IVF. Been the worst experience of my life.

[Anonymous]

I regret not having a fourth. But our income has gone up over the years (that wasn’t guaranteed at all, of course) and work from home post-2020 means it would have been more feasible than I anticipated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this has been posted before, but can’t find the threads and am looking for perspective. I have two young children, and always wanted three kids. My husband and I work full time (and we have a nanny for childcare) and I still find myself completely overwhelmed balancing my kids, my family, my job, our house, and the entire mental load that goes with all of it. I don’t know how I will manage a third child, but feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it. My husband is fine stopping at two. To complicate things, I have remaining PGT tested embryos and know they’re there.

I do not want to have a large age gap if I can avoid it. We are also in our mid thirties and I don’t want to put off a decision forever. We are UMC, so we can technically afford a third child, but it will definitely be a felt expense.

I can’t be the only one conflicted like this. Looking for advice, thoughts, people who’ve been there are decided for or against it, etc.

Enjoy what you've, smaller family IS the way to go. World is overpopulated and underfunded, have less kids so you don't have to overstretch your physical, emotional and financial resources thin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this has been posted before, but can’t find the threads and am looking for perspective. I have two young children, and always wanted three kids. My husband and I work full time (and we have a nanny for childcare) and I still find myself completely overwhelmed balancing my kids, my family, my job, our house, and the entire mental load that goes with all of it. I don’t know how I will manage a third child, but feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it. My husband is fine stopping at two. To complicate things, I have remaining PGT tested embryos and know they’re there.

I do not want to have a large age gap if I can avoid it. We are also in our mid thirties and I don’t want to put off a decision forever. We are UMC, so we can technically afford a third child, but it will definitely be a felt expense.

I can’t be the only one conflicted like this. Looking for advice, thoughts, people who’ve been there are decided for or against it, etc.

Enjoy what you've, smaller family IS the way to go. World is overpopulated and underfunded, have less kids so you don't have to overstretch your physical, emotional and financial resources thin.

Disagree that we’re overpopulated and underfunded.

Birth rates have plummeted globally and significant parts of the world are now well below replacement level. Global population is on track to peak and start declining in the next couple generations.

We’re also not underfunded. Never have humans been healthier, more educated, more literate, more comfortable than they are right now. On virtually every metric of well being, we’re doing way better than in the past.

That said, no need to pressure yourself to have more kids. Once people no longer needed kids to work the fields and provide income, once people had a choice (thanks, reliable birth control!), we began choosing fewer kids across the board. There is nothing wrong with that decision.

I don’t work FT, neither does DH, we have plenty of leisure and aren’t that busy, and we chose to stop at 3. It’s STILL a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

Have three, all close in age...wish I would've had a fourth.

[Anonymous]

Not when they reach college age and you assess the cost of college. Then you're very happy you stuck to two kids.

[Anonymous]

Op already knows what she’ll do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op already knows what she’ll do.

Op here. I actually don’t! Thank you to so many posters with very kind words.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes OP and had the third. I know it’s cliche, but we can’t imagine our life without him. Yes our home is louder and more chaotic at times, but we are happy. I also think an age gap helps. The older 2 were in K and 2nd when the baby was born. They are old enough to do a lot on their own and also to be somewhat helpful with the baby (who they love so much). In fact my middle kid told me the other day he wants me to have another baby! We are definitely done at 3 for many logistical reasons although if time, money, and resources were no object I’d love another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this has been posted before, but can’t find the threads and am looking for perspective. I have two young children, and always wanted three kids. My husband and I work full time (and we have a nanny for childcare) and I still find myself completely overwhelmed balancing my kids, my family, my job, our house, and the entire mental load that goes with all of it. I don’t know how I will manage a third child, but feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it. My husband is fine stopping at two. To complicate things, I have remaining PGT tested embryos and know they’re there.

I do not want to have a large age gap if I can avoid it. We are also in our mid thirties and I don’t want to put off a decision forever. We are UMC, so we can technically afford a third child, but it will definitely be a felt expense.

I can’t be the only one conflicted like this. Looking for advice, thoughts, people who’ve been there are decided for or against it, etc.

how can anyone know if we don't know your life? Have you considered that you may regret having a third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same boat OP, and honestly, I’m confident I’d regret not having a third. But I’m not sure I have the bandwidth.

I’m 38, kid #2 is 1.5. I’ve decided it’s a race against time. If I can get to the point where I have the bandwidth for a third before my fertility runs out, then great. If I can’t, I’ll have to live with that regret. But I agree with other posters that if you’re overwhelmed with two currently, it’s irresponsible to try for a third.

So focus on the overwhelm. What can you do to bring it down? What are your triggers? For me, it’s sleep, so I’m really focusing on prioritizing my sleep, excellent sleep hygiene and habits for both myself and my two children. Also putting aside money for a night nanny should we find space for a third. Also working on things like decreasing standards, streamlining things, becoming more efficient, encouraging independence from our toddler and helping him build life skills, both parents getting better at watching both kids alone, getting better at doing chores while watching kids, etc.

Maybe you’ll find more bandwidth. Maybe you won’t.

I'm this PP with an update. We are currently trying for a third, and we're so excited about a potential new baby.

Basically shortly after writing this, we really found a bunch of extra bandwidth. I think with my first two so close together, I had to do a lot of physical and mental recovery from making two humans back to back. As I focused on self care, things fell more and more into place. Now, with a 3 year old and an almost 2, we both get plenty of time off from the kids, date nights, personal time, we've both gotten back into hobbies that we love, we've reconnected with old friends and made some new ones, and we're just in a great groove. And we're just having so much FUN with our kids. Our financial situation has improved, too. And we both feel strongly that our family isn't complete. So we're going to blow it all up, haha, and go back to the crazy for a while, confident that we'll find our footing again as a family of five.

So, thanks for this thread, and helping us figure out the right path for us. And my advice still stands, at least for now. Find the bandwidth FIRST. If you can't, you can't.

[Anonymous]

I had the third and I am happy about it. Finances are our only concern. We decided on private school after I was already pregnant with the third and it’s tight, but we manage.
I was 34 when #3 was born and older kids were 5.5 and 3.5.