Will I regret not having a third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

It creates more free time if you can use the money to outsource cleaning and other chores.

I’m
Yes but parents of one and two kids can do all the too. Having more kids means they still get less time from parents.

No it doesn’t. There is just more together time than one-on-one time.

Which is less ideal for the child.

OP here. I’m the youngest of four kids. I don’t think a bigger family is less ideal for the kid. My siblings are my best friends and we’re still incredibly close. Our house was fun, rambunctious, and filled with humor (And of course sibling rivalry) growing up. It’s still that way when we’re all together. DH is one of two kids and his family is close-ish but is way more uptight and nowhere near as jovial. He’s not close with his only sibling. His parents, who are generally lovely, still hover over their two adult children. I think there are pros and cons to smaller families and larger ones, but for parents who want more kids and can handle the stress, logistics, and finances of raising a large family of well rounded kids, it’s really nice.

[Anonymous]

What did you decide to do, OP? I'm in a similar boat, though it's my husband who's always wanted 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you decide to do, OP? I'm in a similar boat, though it's my husband who's always wanted 3 kids.

Ha! I haven’t decided. Right now I don’t think I can handle a third and really don’t have a desire to go through pregnancy or newborn again. Will see how I feel in six months I guess.

[Anonymous]

OP - any updates 6 months later? I’m the same boat - I’m 41 with a 4yo and 2yo. For a multitude of reasons we want to make the decision within the next few months. Our hearts say yes (we always wanted a biggish family and have the love and resources to give) but our brains say no. Finances aren’t a pressing concern but bandwidth, time and attention and logistics are. Although I work from home and have flexibility, my husband travels for work full time and we do not have family to help. While I know the first few years will be challenging from a physical perspective, I’m trying to look down the road 8 years when the demands shift and they’re all in school and activities. The thought of never feeling like I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off is daunting!

[Anonymous]

*ALWAYS feeling like a chicken with my head cut off

[Anonymous]

I thought I wanted a third, until a friend had hers. We have two older children who are the same age and watching her with the third makes me thankful for our decision to stick with two. A third is a game changer in so many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never met a person who has three or more children who has ever regretted having any of the kids. Of course they could be the lying or putting on an act, but those are the experiences I’ve heard.

I wouldn't say "regret" because of course people love their kids once they're here, but after I had my 2 I had multiple moms of 3+ emphatically telling me to stop there, that 3+ made everything more difficult and wasn't worth it.

I’ve heard this too more times than if it was a one off. I always think of it when people go for the third. Which of you will end up giving cautionary advice in 5-10 years?

Yes I’ve heard this a bunch too.

I’ve heard this shocking amount too. And from people that seem like they have it together well and aren’t struggling. Really makes you wonder what else (and who else) are thinking things they aren’t saying out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - any updates 6 months later? I’m the same boat - I’m 41 with a 4yo and 2yo. For a multitude of reasons we want to make the decision within the next few months. Our hearts say yes (we always wanted a biggish family and have the love and resources to give) but our brains say no. Finances aren’t a pressing concern but bandwidth, time and attention and logistics are. Although I work from home and have flexibility, my husband travels for work full time and we do not have family to help. While I know the first few years will be challenging from a physical perspective, I’m trying to look down the road 8 years when the demands shift and they’re all in school and activities. The thought of never feeling like I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off is daunting!

Op here! No updates six months later. Still agonizing. Our first has some special learning needs and I’m really trying to get a grasp on how we will accommodate him, and make sure our second child gets adequate attention as well, before adding another baby into the mix. I’m trying to also decide within a few months.

Still torn on the financial piece and whether I can go through delivery, postpartum and infancy once more.

[Anonymous]

It’s such a difficult decision with no wrong answer - only what’s best for your family. I hope you find the support needed to navigate these new challenges with your son.

I’ve found a lot of insight in this whole thread - thank you for posting and your vulnerability. My biggest take away - that has helped bring some peace - is that this decision, like many crossroads in life may bring lingering “what ifs” and pangs of the road not travelled. While still on the fence myself, I’m recognizing that maybe I need work on adjusting my picture of what I thought my family would look like and consider the opportunities that stopping at two could bring.

Good luck in your decision!!

[Anonymous]

Np: I got a Surprise pregnancy at 45. Pregnancy is very tough with a 4 and 6 year old and being in my 40’s. I’m very tired and can’t keep up the energy they need.

Pros: my husband has had to step up tremendously more than most dads do. I didn’t realize how much before I was covering for him. I’m talking every afternoon from 5-8pm. I usually do the morning but that’s all I can handle. We have no alone time together. Luckily he really wants another do he is not resentful but our overall marriage and intimacy has taken a big hit.

second pro: my kids have had to become more independent. Can’t pick up the 4yo anymore. I can’t put them to bed because ‘mommy has to sleep with the baby in her belly.’ I’m more determined that they get and fix their own foods snd clean up. They just dont get coddled as much anymore and for our family that’s been a good thing.

Cons: our house is too small and it’s very hard to move in this market. My career which I was just starting to lean into will go back in the backseat again. International trips we planned are put on hold again for at least couple years. Our college savings will go from maybe some private options to basically in state only. My body is getting pretty beat up and not sure it will bounce back at this age. The mood swings also seem worse this time. Many of my friends kids are celebrating high school graduations and I feel very far behind, and a bit lonely if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I regretted it for about 4 years, but since then it’s been great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regretted it for about 4 years, but since then it’s been great.

Regretted not going for 3 or having a 3rd?

[Anonymous]

Having the third.

[Anonymous]

I'd be lost without my 3rd. Didn't go so well with the first 2.

[Anonymous]

I think the actual question "will I regret" depends on if you regret. It sounds dumb but you do have the power to decide either way and be at peace with that decision.