Friend with bad child being iced out of friend group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends with a destructive and nasty (he hits, kicks people and pets) son. We had to completely stop inviting them to our house and now only get together anywhere but our house. He is hyperactive add and is slightly better now (7 yo) but he’s never welcome back at my house. He traumatized my cats by pulling their tails and hitting them. The last time we saw them at the park he ran up to me and hit me.

You should have hit him back. Maybe this would teach him not to hit people.

And cats. If he had touched my cats he wouldn't be sitting down for a week, mom friend or not.

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering if this child has such bad behavior why doesn’t the parent keep an eye on him/her during the play date? I do not trust my child not to get upset or mad during a play date so I always keep an eye on him and I never feel I can leave him at someone else’s house. He wouldn’t be destructive but I don’t want him to do something that will stop another child from wanting to play with him. It sucks but I hope he will mature in a few years and I don’t have to be so on alert. I had no idea this would be my fate as my other kids are always warmly welcomed and desired by other kids and parents. People with only those types of kids have no idea how hard and isolating it can be to have a child with emotional regulation issues.

[Anonymous]

I am having flashbacks to the parent meeting I went to when my daughter was in 1st grade at a pretty progressive school. The parents of a little boy who was basically a non-stop issue/distraction were going on and on about how he was a genius and like the next Steve Jobs, and to impose societal norms on him would stifle his creativity.

They finally had to kick the kid out. He was not SN. He was just a spoiled brat with stupid parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having flashbacks to the parent meeting I went to when my daughter was in 1st grade at a pretty progressive school. The parents of a little boy who was basically a non-stop issue/distraction were going on and on about how he was a genius and like the next Steve Jobs, and to impose societal norms on him would stifle his creativity.

They finally had to kick the kid out. He was not SN. He was just a spoiled brat with stupid parents.

Yes, some parents are oblivious that their typical kids are brats.

?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having flashbacks to the parent meeting I went to when my daughter was in 1st grade at a pretty progressive school. The parents of a little boy who was basically a non-stop issue/distraction were going on and on about how he was a genius and like the next Steve Jobs, and to impose societal norms on him would stifle his creativity.

They finally had to kick the kid out. He was not SN. He was just a spoiled brat with stupid parents.

Yes, some parents are oblivious that their typical kids are brats.

?

Hm…if this child described by PP was in first, then he’s the age of the child OP has described, where there’s no diagnosis as yet known or given in OP’s posts. So yes, some parents are oblivious that their typical kids are brats, and a prime example is the child everyone is discussing for 9 pages.

?

You’re in your feelings. Kids with Special Needs is just a couple of clicks away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about SN children, but rather "bad" behavior more generally.

This is just a basic human social thing. No one likes to be around chaos. People like calm, predictable adults and children who do not make them feel like they are walking on eggshells, might get hit, have something in their home broken, etc. This is universal.

Many of us have calm homes with not a ton of screaming, breaking things, meltdowns, etc. It's true.

The fact that you feel comfortable/are resigned to dealing with with your child or family's chaos is understandable--you are a key participant and may not know how to diffuse situations, you may have low expectations for behavior, or you may actually feel stressed out but end up shutting down because you don't want to deal with conflict, etc.

None of that means that anyone else has to respect the way you run your family or the way your kid behaves. Unfortunately, again, people universally do not want to be around chaos. When you bring your tornado over and have no way of tempering what happens, leaving when it gets bad, apologizing, etc., people will stop hanging out with you.

My kids are teenagers who do not have anxiety and are thriving, for those of you who think anyone with any rules and a preference for calm is abusive and creates ticking time bombs. Quite the opposite--they know how to act and feel comfortable anywhere because they have been shown boundaries and manners from Day 1. It really does make their lives easier.

If your kid is a disaster and misbehaves in social situations, work on it--not while you are at the friend's--before, and agree with the kid on what behavior will end the visit. And then leave if that behavior occurs. You do not need to yell, cause a scene, etc. Believe it or not, other parents are doing this stuff. It actually helps them feel happier. You are in charge and you can do this!

I know it's hard to hear, but tornado kids, kids with ADHD, bad kids, are not ostracized. They're interesting, enlivening, and fun.

I think the OP was talking about a kid who came to her house and ripped fixtures off the walls and hit other kids. How interesting!

It really makes pulses race when a kid starts hitting. Who will be next? So enlivening!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about SN children, but rather "bad" behavior more generally.

This is just a basic human social thing. No one likes to be around chaos. People like calm, predictable adults and children who do not make them feel like they are walking on eggshells, might get hit, have something in their home broken, etc. This is universal.

Many of us have calm homes with not a ton of screaming, breaking things, meltdowns, etc. It's true.

The fact that you feel comfortable/are resigned to dealing with with your child or family's chaos is understandable--you are a key participant and may not know how to diffuse situations, you may have low expectations for behavior, or you may actually feel stressed out but end up shutting down because you don't want to deal with conflict, etc.

None of that means that anyone else has to respect the way you run your family or the way your kid behaves. Unfortunately, again, people universally do not want to be around chaos. When you bring your tornado over and have no way of tempering what happens, leaving when it gets bad, apologizing, etc., people will stop hanging out with you.

My kids are teenagers who do not have anxiety and are thriving, for those of you who think anyone with any rules and a preference for calm is abusive and creates ticking time bombs. Quite the opposite--they know how to act and feel comfortable anywhere because they have been shown boundaries and manners from Day 1. It really does make their lives easier.

If your kid is a disaster and misbehaves in social situations, work on it--not while you are at the friend's--before, and agree with the kid on what behavior will end the visit. And then leave if that behavior occurs. You do not need to yell, cause a scene, etc. Believe it or not, other parents are doing this stuff. It actually helps them feel happier. You are in charge and you can do this!

The parents you’re addressing in fact can’t do this, because of learned helplessness. Look at these responses. They have decided that Science Herself says that their issues either have a diagnosis which means “we’re trying” when they aren’t, or that no diagnosis means “fun, lively kid,” even where a well-adjusted kid starts requesting that she never be forced to play with a sconce-ripping hitting machine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having flashbacks to the parent meeting I went to when my daughter was in 1st grade at a pretty progressive school. The parents of a little boy who was basically a non-stop issue/distraction were going on and on about how he was a genius and like the next Steve Jobs, and to impose societal norms on him would stifle his creativity.

They finally had to kick the kid out. He was not SN. He was just a spoiled brat with stupid parents.

Yes, some parents are oblivious that their typical kids are brats.

?

Hm…if this child described by PP was in first, then he’s the age of the child OP has described, where there’s no diagnosis as yet known or given in OP’s posts. So yes, some parents are oblivious that their typical kids are brats, and a prime example is the child everyone is discussing for 9 pages.

?

You’re in your feelings. Kids with Special Needs is just a couple of clicks away.

OP added this to the original post: They are middle of road. They don’t hover. They do correct bad behavior and investigate situation if child makes others cry. Their older child is wonderful and well behaved. As I mentioned in the OP, I suspect child has some sort of behavioral disorder. I don’t know if parents have had him tested. Mom doesn’t discuss any concerns or parenting hardships. She isn’t a complainer.

Doesn’t sound like the mom is oblivious in OP’s example. Sounds like she is engaged. The parents in the PP’s are not.

But you were telling me about my feelings…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having flashbacks to the parent meeting I went to when my daughter was in 1st grade at a pretty progressive school. The parents of a little boy who was basically a non-stop issue/distraction were going on and on about how he was a genius and like the next Steve Jobs, and to impose societal norms on him would stifle his creativity.

They finally had to kick the kid out. He was not SN. He was just a spoiled brat with stupid parents.

Yes, some parents are oblivious that their typical kids are brats.

?

Hm…if this child described by PP was in first, then he’s the age of the child OP has described, where there’s no diagnosis as yet known or given in OP’s posts. So yes, some parents are oblivious that their typical kids are brats, and a prime example is the child everyone is discussing for 9 pages.

?

You’re in your feelings. Kids with Special Needs is just a couple of clicks away.

OP added this to the original post: They are middle of road. They don’t hover. They do correct bad behavior and investigate situation if child makes others cry. Their older child is wonderful and well behaved. As I mentioned in the OP, I suspect child has some sort of behavioral disorder. I don’t know if parents have had him tested. Mom doesn’t discuss any concerns or parenting hardships. She isn’t a complainer.

Doesn’t sound like the mom is oblivious in OP’s example. Sounds like she is engaged. The parents in the PP’s are not.

But you were telling me about my feelings…

Yes, Mrs. Ellipses, your feelings are rather evident. You’ve taken on the role of grand defender of destructive behavior to its irrational conclusions for a particular, feeling-motivated reason. The PP who pointed out that most people crave something like relative calm and stability had it correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you invite them to do stuff outside the house. Meet at a playground, go to a pumpkins patch etc?

He hits and makes other kids cry and your answer is “meet them outside?” Yeah, no. The correct answer is, as they’ve been doing, “don’t meet them at all.”

Dp. He probably won't hit outside. Being in a less stressful environment for the and being able to burn off energy freely can go a long way for an ADHD kid. Maybe he has other issues, we don't know. But the people here with experience with children with ADHD are suggesting outside for good reason.

But, you do you with your "correct answer." 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for your permission. I will.

-adult with ADHD who’s pretty sick of internet strangers assuming every kid with behavior regulation issues and no professional diagnosis has ADHD

Regulation issues are the root of ADHD so it's not a terrible assumption.

It is a terrible assumption, because behavior regulation issues are also indicative of a whole host of other issues *besides* ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We teach our children to have boundaries. We teach them that if they're treated badly - when someone is physically hurting them or makes them afraid - use boundaries.

This behavior is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.

Kindness and inclusion here can be extended to the mom, alone, without her child.

\

I'm really glad you just came out and said it. No kindness for the disabled child. And people wonder why parents with "bad" children don't confide in them?

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having flashbacks to the parent meeting I went to when my daughter was in 1st grade at a pretty progressive school. The parents of a little boy who was basically a non-stop issue/distraction were going on and on about how he was a genius and like the next Steve Jobs, and to impose societal norms on him would stifle his creativity.

They finally had to kick the kid out. He was not SN. He was just a spoiled brat with stupid parents.

Yes, some parents are oblivious that their typical kids are brats.

?

Hm…if this child described by PP was in first, then he’s the age of the child OP has described, where there’s no diagnosis as yet known or given in OP’s posts. So yes, some parents are oblivious that their typical kids are brats, and a prime example is the child everyone is discussing for 9 pages.

?

You’re in your feelings. Kids with Special Needs is just a couple of clicks away.

OP added this to the original post: They are middle of road. They don’t hover. They do correct bad behavior and investigate situation if child makes others cry. Their older child is wonderful and well behaved. As I mentioned in the OP, I suspect child has some sort of behavioral disorder. I don’t know if parents have had him tested. Mom doesn’t discuss any concerns or parenting hardships. She isn’t a complainer.

Doesn’t sound like the mom is oblivious in OP’s example. Sounds like she is engaged. The parents in the PP’s are not.

But you were telling me about my feelings…

Yes, Mrs. Ellipses, your feelings are rather evident. You’ve taken on the role of grand defender of destructive behavior to its irrational conclusions for a particular, feeling-motivated reason. The PP who pointed out that most people crave something like relative calm and stability had it correct.

And those feelings are…. … … ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of the kids of the judgmental parents in this thread are going to end up with severe anxiety issues in high schools.

But they are all good parents! Not like those other parents with "bad kids".

“My kid who hits is the good kid! The one who doesn’t is a bad kid with no future besides scoring Xanax!”

You all wish.

I’m really sorry to inform you that I’m one of the posters you’re whining about. I have several kids, including two who are successful adults doing great who do not “score Xanax.” I also have a kid with ADHD who doesn’t hit people or break light fixtures.

You should get some therapy for your bitterness. It’s unflattering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about SN children, but rather "bad" behavior more generally.

This is just a basic human social thing. No one likes to be around chaos. People like calm, predictable adults and children who do not make them feel like they are walking on eggshells, might get hit, have something in their home broken, etc. This is universal.

Many of us have calm homes with not a ton of screaming, breaking things, meltdowns, etc. It's true.

The fact that you feel comfortable/are resigned to dealing with with your child or family's chaos is understandable--you are a key participant and may not know how to diffuse situations, you may have low expectations for behavior, or you may actually feel stressed out but end up shutting down because you don't want to deal with conflict, etc.

None of that means that anyone else has to respect the way you run your family or the way your kid behaves. Unfortunately, again, people universally do not want to be around chaos. When you bring your tornado over and have no way of tempering what happens, leaving when it gets bad, apologizing, etc., people will stop hanging out with you.

My kids are teenagers who do not have anxiety and are thriving, for those of you who think anyone with any rules and a preference for calm is abusive and creates ticking time bombs. Quite the opposite--they know how to act and feel comfortable anywhere because they have been shown boundaries and manners from Day 1. It really does make their lives easier.

If your kid is a disaster and misbehaves in social situations, work on it--not while you are at the friend's--before, and agree with the kid on what behavior will end the visit. And then leave if that behavior occurs. You do not need to yell, cause a scene, etc. Believe it or not, other parents are doing this stuff. It actually helps them feel happier. You are in charge and you can do this!

I know it's hard to hear, but tornado kids, kids with ADHD, bad kids, are not ostracized. They're interesting, enlivening, and fun.

I think the OP was talking about a kid who came to her house and ripped fixtures off the walls and hit other kids. How interesting!

It really makes pulses race when a kid starts hitting. Who will be next? So enlivening!

Lol yes this is when the fun gets going! Nothing like some broken lamps and broken bones to get me laughing and kicking up my heels!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about SN children, but rather "bad" behavior more generally.

This is just a basic human social thing. No one likes to be around chaos. People like calm, predictable adults and children who do not make them feel like they are walking on eggshells, might get hit, have something in their home broken, etc. This is universal.

Many of us have calm homes with not a ton of screaming, breaking things, meltdowns, etc. It's true.

The fact that you feel comfortable/are resigned to dealing with with your child or family's chaos is understandable--you are a key participant and may not know how to diffuse situations, you may have low expectations for behavior, or you may actually feel stressed out but end up shutting down because you don't want to deal with conflict, etc.

None of that means that anyone else has to respect the way you run your family or the way your kid behaves. Unfortunately, again, people universally do not want to be around chaos. When you bring your tornado over and have no way of tempering what happens, leaving when it gets bad, apologizing, etc., people will stop hanging out with you.

My kids are teenagers who do not have anxiety and are thriving, for those of you who think anyone with any rules and a preference for calm is abusive and creates ticking time bombs. Quite the opposite--they know how to act and feel comfortable anywhere because they have been shown boundaries and manners from Day 1. It really does make their lives easier.

If your kid is a disaster and misbehaves in social situations, work on it--not while you are at the friend's--before, and agree with the kid on what behavior will end the visit. And then leave if that behavior occurs. You do not need to yell, cause a scene, etc. Believe it or not, other parents are doing this stuff. It actually helps them feel happier. You are in charge and you can do this!

The parents you’re addressing in fact can’t do this, because of learned helplessness. Look at these responses. They have decided that Science Herself says that their issues either have a diagnosis which means “we’re trying” when they aren’t, or that no diagnosis means “fun, lively kid,” even where a well-adjusted kid starts requesting that she never be forced to play with a sconce-ripping hitting machine.

In case you were wondering, comments like this are why I don’t tell people about my DC diagnosis. After multiple diagnostic appointments, hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars of interventional therapy and years of constant vigilance by myself and my DH my kid is now pretty well behaved; honestly better than many typical kids in some areas. But for years we were considered failures and lazy parents because my kid would have horrible, public (nonviolent) meltdowns, and clearly if you had a diagnosis you were making excuses and if you didn’t you were just a regular bad parent. So now I just don’t trust anyone, ever, with my DC medical information.