Frustrated with husband and mother in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well as far as liking my kids, we are traveling with the kids for 2 weeks also this summer to the beach and mountains. I also stay home with my kids and I’m with them plenty, since my son who is younger is only in school 2 half days. This was a once in a lifetime chance due to my husband’s work and was planned around that. She could have just said no. No one was trying to take advantage of her or we would not be paying her and providing childcare for the majority of every day. It’s really just managing that they get to camp everyday and that no emergencies occur. She’s not cooking and they shower themselves.

Has it even crossed your selfish mind that in the time between saying yes to this and deciding she couldn’t do it, she might have suffered some form of decline? She could have fallen in the shower and gotten a wake-up call. She could have done something like left a burner on all night and gotten a wake-up call. She could have had chest pains and gotten scared. She could have had a near-accident in the car and realized that she shouldn’t be driving kids around.

Has that even crossed your mind? Yes or no.

I’m going to guess no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

I cannot help but feel the same thing. Anybody would think a 12-day vacation away from the kids these days is appropriate is also somebody who steamrolled grandma into saying yes in the first place. I would cancel that trip and get serious family therapy.

Why do you think that is inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your intentions were good but you and DH were not honest with yourself about your MIL's basic nature. She likely suffers from anxiety and is probably lazy. She clearly did not want to do this, despite the camp you paid for. Consider as well that if one of your kids had gotten sick, it would have been very stressful to such a nervous person.

Your DH fixated on paying your MIL because he wants to give her more money and this was the only way you would agree to do so. I would not ever offer to pay MIL for babysitting or anything else but would give her any amount I felt able to comfortably give her NSA.

Zero evidence of this.

[Anonymous]

Wow 12 nights. Yes, you are taking advantage. Your poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If MIL came on here saying she agreed to watch her grandkids for 12 days, and her DIL had planned camps, food, and weekend care, AND she was getting paid, but decided now 3 days before that she didn’t think she could handle it, but her DIL was being mean and wouldn’t just shorten her trip but still pay her, this board would rip her to pieces.

Damn you people have some bizarre need to rip every OP to shreds.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with OP asking and planning a vacation around MIL’s willingness to do this. DH and I vacationed every year away from the kids when they were little, thanks to my parents’ help.

That being said, I imagine a post like this would be “I agreed to do this, thought I could, am having serious misgivings about whether I am up to this and a safe caregiver for these kids. Do I tell DIL the truth and back out, or suck it up and risk an unsafe situation?” I imagine most of us would tell MIL that while the situation sucks all around, she has to be honest and back out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If MIL came on here saying she agreed to watch her grandkids for 12 days, and her DIL had planned camps, food, and weekend care, AND she was getting paid, but decided now 3 days before that she didn’t think she could handle it, but her DIL was being mean and wouldn’t just shorten her trip but still pay her, this board would rip her to pieces.

Damn you people have some bizarre need to rip every OP to shreds.

Actually, no. When people behave in a way that doesn’t make sense to me, or that doesn’t seem characteristic of them, my first instinct is not anger. My first instinct is, “Is something wrong?”

I was supposed to go to Arizona in January with a group of friends. One of the friends said last-minute she couldn’t go. We were concerned but respected her choice: it turns out she was having major panic attacks and insomnia, she was so stressed about COVID and leaving her kids during a COVID uptick. She was to the point where she needed help from a therapist and an adjustment to her meds. Because we accepted and supported her from the moment she suddenly announced she wasn’t going, she was able to open up about why.

If my ILs backed out of plans to take care of their grandkids, my first instinct would not be “wow, selfish” it would be—let me check if something is wrong. Because Mary and Bob usually like watching the kids, and they usually follow through and make good on plans. So my first instinct would be to check on them. And either way, I’d be grateful that they spoke up and were honest, because I don’t watch anyone watching my kids who is not 100% confident in their ability to do so.

[Anonymous]

You people are crazy. My mom takes my older kids for 3-4 weeks every summer and we don’t pay anything (other than flights).
My grandma took her 4 grandchildren on vacations every summer for 2-3 weeks and always paid for everything. These are people who are supposed to love and want to spend time with their grandchildren.
Granted we are not Americans (thankfully).

What a sad world we live in where you have to pay grandparents to spend 12 days with their grandchildren. So glad my family is different.

OP, your MIL sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are crazy. My mom takes my older kids for 3-4 weeks every summer and we don’t pay anything (other than flights).
My grandma took her 4 grandchildren on vacations every summer for 2-3 weeks and always paid for everything. These are people who are supposed to love and want to spend time with their grandchildren.
Granted we are not Americans (thankfully).

What a sad world we live in where you have to pay grandparents to spend 12 days with their grandchildren. So glad my family is different.

OP, your MIL sucks

What’s with the anti Americanism on an American based parenting board?? I’m an American and spent every 2 weeks with my grandparents too. I’m sure you understand that families are different. In my case, my grandparents were still fairly young and quite healthy. And I wasn’t as young as OP’s kids when I started these vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are crazy. My mom takes my older kids for 3-4 weeks every summer and we don’t pay anything (other than flights).
My grandma took her 4 grandchildren on vacations every summer for 2-3 weeks and always paid for everything. These are people who are supposed to love and want to spend time with their grandchildren.
Granted we are not Americans (thankfully).

What a sad world we live in where you have to pay grandparents to spend 12 days with their grandchildren. So glad my family is different.

OP, your MIL sucks

No you judgey idiot, every family is different and OP’s MIL clearly doesn’t have the physical capacity nor the money to just whisk away her grandkids on a 3 week vacation. We are also not American and have healthy and fairly young parents who are willing to help us out a lot with our kids but we realize how lucky we are and this is not the case for everyone, which is fine.

[Anonymous]

My mom has been almost pressuring my to leave my kids, 2 and 4, with her for a week, and I'm not ready..... Though a part of me really wants to.

OP, I will echo the sane voices here that the accusations against you are ridiculous.

For the sake of your relationship with MIL, ask her if she has concerns and be ready to hear her (health issues, etc.) But don't accept being guilted and get the.point across that she needs to communicate with you better.

The best solution now is probably to take the kids, rather than cancelling the trip entirely -don't "cut off your nose to spite your face".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well as far as liking my kids, we are traveling with the kids for 2 weeks also this summer to the beach and mountains. I also stay home with my kids and I’m with them plenty, since my son who is younger is only in school 2 half days. This was a once in a lifetime chance due to my husband’s work and was planned around that. She could have just said no. No one was trying to take advantage of her or we would not be paying her and providing childcare for the majority of every day. It’s really just managing that they get to camp everyday and that no emergencies occur. She’s not cooking and they shower themselves.

Has it even crossed your selfish mind that in the time between saying yes to this and deciding she couldn’t do it, she might have suffered some form of decline? She could have fallen in the shower and gotten a wake-up call. She could have done something like left a burner on all night and gotten a wake-up call. She could have had chest pains and gotten scared. She could have had a near-accident in the car and realized that she shouldn’t be driving kids around.

Has that even crossed your mind? Yes or no.

These situations are so far fetched. We see her almost everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well as far as liking my kids, we are traveling with the kids for 2 weeks also this summer to the beach and mountains. I also stay home with my kids and I’m with them plenty, since my son who is younger is only in school 2 half days. This was a once in a lifetime chance due to my husband’s work and was planned around that. She could have just said no. No one was trying to take advantage of her or we would not be paying her and providing childcare for the majority of every day. It’s really just managing that they get to camp everyday and that no emergencies occur. She’s not cooking and they shower themselves.

Has it even crossed your selfish mind that in the time between saying yes to this and deciding she couldn’t do it, she might have suffered some form of decline? She could have fallen in the shower and gotten a wake-up call. She could have done something like left a burner on all night and gotten a wake-up call. She could have had chest pains and gotten scared. She could have had a near-accident in the car and realized that she shouldn’t be driving kids around.

Has that even crossed your mind? Yes or no.

These situations are so far fetched. We see her almost everyday.

DP. Why did you even start a thread here given your hard unwillingness to consider any opinions or perspectives other than your own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a non-trivial chance she’s been trying to communicate her concerns for a while but he’s been turning a deaf ear til now because he didn’t want it to mess with the trip.

If OP's response to the pretty big majority here who think it seems wrong to leave your own children for that wrong is any indication, she obvioulsy didn't listen to her MIL the whole time she has indicated this may not work. OP doesn't like her MIL or her children. She called someone who doesn't want to go away without their own children a martyr--that implies punishment. The problem is very much OP, not the MIL.

Op and that wasn’t me. Sorry not apologizing for planning a kid free trip with my husband. I’m with my kids all the time. I’ve stayed home with them for 6 years. They are also very close with their grandmother. We see her several times a week abs she’s involved in their lives. A lot of kids even live with grandparents.

[Anonymous]

The reason she decided she changed her mind was because she stayed to watch our dog when we were away for a night as a family and my husband messed up the tv remote control and it started from “I’m
not watching the kids anymore” because she was upset about the remote and it turned into “I’m not doing this for you anymore”. I’m fine with whatever she decide: and now we are taking the kids but don’t get upset about something and change your mind a few days before the trip because it costs us big time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well as far as liking my kids, we are traveling with the kids for 2 weeks also this summer to the beach and mountains. I also stay home with my kids and I’m with them plenty, since my son who is younger is only in school 2 half days. This was a once in a lifetime chance due to my husband’s work and was planned around that. She could have just said no. No one was trying to take advantage of her or we would not be paying her and providing childcare for the majority of every day. It’s really just managing that they get to camp everyday and that no emergencies occur. She’s not cooking and they shower themselves.

Has it even crossed your selfish mind that in the time between saying yes to this and deciding she couldn’t do it, she might have suffered some form of decline? She could have fallen in the shower and gotten a wake-up call. She could have done something like left a burner on all night and gotten a wake-up call. She could have had chest pains and gotten scared. She could have had a near-accident in the car and realized that she shouldn’t be driving kids around.

Has that even crossed your mind? Yes or no.

These situations are so far fetched. We see her almost everyday.

DP. Why did you even start a thread here given your hard unwillingness to consider any opinions or perspectives other than your own?

+1. Plus, OP seems stubborn to the point of being ridiculous. I was at a funeral yesterday for a lovely woman who was very involved with her grandkids. She felt a sharp pain and couldn’t sleep one night while visiting my friend, her daughter. Daughter insisted on taking her to the doctor the next day. She was diagnosed with blood cancer and died weeks later. Life can turn a DIME. Capacity to care for oneself and others can turn on a DIME.

It sounds like MIL would rightfully be afraid to confess any weakness, forgetfulness, anxiety, doubt or distress to cold-hearted OP.