Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess we will have to work a little longer then and retire when we’re older. I can’t let my Mil (whose Indian in-laws also dislike her and have broken off their relationship with her) get funded for everything and not do the same for my parents. It’s just not fair.

Do you even like your parents? Of course you need to take care of your parents. What kind of person are you that you are waking up to this after 20 years? Boy, you are not very smart are you? Go cut off your nose to spite your face. We already know you are a whackjob.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is either a sexist, ageist and racist poster or a foreign troll. Ignore him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess we will have to work a little longer then and retire when we’re older. I can’t let my Mil (whose Indian in-laws also dislike her and have broken off their relationship with her) get funded for everything and not do the same for my parents. It’s just not fair.

You sound like a petty little wench, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Just read through all of these posts, most of them assuming you are a grubby miser who is super jealous of MIL. I don’t think you are racist, but I do think there are a lot of people that were triggered by your question, and now reacting badly. There is unfortunately a lot of racism in this country, both subtle and overt so it is hard to avoid emotional reactions to a post like this that calls out a certain culture, though I think your original question is valid to ask (though wouldn’t you have known this earlier than 20 hrs into a marriage?)

But anyways, the One thing that stands out to me and makes me firmly in your camp in terms of feeling annoyed is that your MIL told you not to spend so much time with your family because you married into hers. That is terrible, and unfortunately a bit representative of some of the worse parts of a more traditional patriarchal culture, not necessarily SA. If my MIL ever said anything like that to me, all good will I had towards her would be gone. It would be really hard to get over it. I don’t think your solution is a great one though.. just spend more time to thoughtfully take care of your parents! No amount of money and “treats” can replace that. I think that would be a win win for you and them, and your MIL won’t like it! Cheers!

Oh you actually BELIEVE her about how bad her MIL is? Puh-lease. Girlfriend is projecting.

[Anonymous]

Hello OP.
I suspect you are undergoing a character assault by a whole bunch of woke white people who are not accustomed to realizing that brown people are just… people. You are in a tough spot- when supporting other adults the financial needs never go away as they do with children- instead they can increase over time. It can be very hard to feel secure about your financial future when it is indefinitely tied to other people who can have unpredictable needs. For some families, as above, it can be a joy to share what you have whether a bounty or just what you can give just getting by. Some families don’t enjoy giving but are proud that they can make good on their sense of obligation.
Your desire to help your parents is an attempt to set boundaries but also to recognize that you and your “side” of the family is worthwhile as well. That’s ok. If you stay married you will need to figure out with your husband- as a team- what you can give/ can’t give/ what limits there may be. And those can change over time.
Take a deep breath. Go easy on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Your problem is with your husband, not with your MIL. If you two can't mutually agree to your boundaries, them and only then a third person can have a say in your marriage. You may see it in form of MIL but its you and him, not seeing eye to eye and not respecting each other's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. My Indian ILs would insist on paying for us, if anything.

My DH - is Indian American. They won’t let us pay for anything and insist on paying for private school for our little one (even though we want to go public). I think it depends on circumstance and financial ability - like any other demographic.

[Anonymous]

This. Money is the root cause of problem for most SA families.

[Anonymous]

MIL problem is a universal problem and its really a spouse problem. If he/she can't say no to the family, you become the bad guy/gal because you have to.

[Anonymous]

I'd be annoyed if I were in your place. I'm Indian America, as well as DH. Both of our parents are local. His parents are very well off and don't ask or expect anything funded. Mine financially struggle but still resist most items we offer to cover, like going out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be annoyed if I were in your place. I'm Indian America, as well as DH. Both of our parents are local. His parents are very well off and don't ask or expect anything funded. Mine financially struggle but still resist most items we offer to cover, like going out.

Very traditional SA parents will not take anything from their daughter. Maybe it is so in your case? Also, they don't want to lose face in front of their son-in-law. You also seem to have the same inferiority complex that OP has. Really, no one can help you with that. Get some therapy. Are you earning more than your DH or are your earnings meagre too?

[Anonymous]

We are SA. My ILs and parents are well off and so are we. We have zero problems regarding helping someone financially etc. So usually we all are tripping over each other to pay for things and treat each other. I wonder if being well off has changed our behavior.? Perhaps we would also have been petty if we had less money??

I think it is not cultural. I think it is financial. Gandhi had said that poverty is a curse. So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is either a sexist, ageist and racist poster or a foreign troll. Ignore him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

+1 to much of this.