Reply to Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day

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[quote=Anonymous]It's amazing the hatred for SAHMs here. I work ft and always have, btw, just think that this thread is ridiculous. Yes, a SAHP should reasonably be expected to do what they can during the hours that the WOHP is at work. But at the end of the day, when they are both home they split what's left.  Secondly, a SAHP is contributing financially to the household by doing what otherwise would need to be outsourced with preschool; daycare; nannies.  If OP were a nanny, she would be charging something like 30$/hour for 4 kids, plus overtime so assuming she is working 10 hours a day, the financial assets that she is bringing to the household with her labor is in the neighborhood of 75k, without taxes, vacations, etc.

Secondly, they BOTH chose to have 4 kids. Perhaps OPs DH was not always this absent, perhaps he wanted more kids, etc. While I personally would not have 4 kids, becuase we are not great at being parents to 2 half the time, I would not automatically assume its OP's "fault" that her spouse is leaving her with all the work and somehow its all her fault. she's in the position she is in, so either offer constructive advice or go elsewhere.

Finally, the real and most important issue is that OP's spouse is an alcoholic and because of this is unable to function as a parent. There's a strong likelihood that OP will end up being a single parent if his trajectory continues, and she will have to figure out a way to solo parent 4 kids, possibly while going back to work, so this situation is really terrible for her.

OP: it sounds like your spouse is admitting the drinking problem to an extent but does not understand the impact of it on you or the household. I suggest you go to Al Anon to understand your situation better and have some support. Your spouse also needs to see his doctor, preferably for a medically supervised detox. For many people, medications ike naltrexone are key to quitting alcohol, but unfortunately now that he has developed an addiction it is not easy to quit on his own. At this point, its not productive to blame him (or him toblame himself) if he cannot stop drinking; its unfortunately an incredibly difficult thing to kick once you're well into it.  If I were you I would operate on two fronts simultaneously: support him/require him to get help (start with PCP, but ultimately he should, if possible, see a therapist who is versed in addiction, and he may want to do AA or outpatient treatment). If it were me, I would make it a requirement of staying married. I don't think he has accepted the impact of his drinking on YOU and the rest of the family, so you need to spell it out for him. If he refuses to admit it, just consider this part of his denial. Secondly, I would get my own source of support; Al Anonto start, but also your own therapist.  Finally, what is your financial situation like? If you had the flexibility, you might consider getting additional help while he pursues treatment.  Finally, I am very sorry you are in the position you are in. Without the alcoholism, I would advocate for leaving early 3 days a week/forcing him to be in charge, but its unclear whether he will be able to parent solo if he is hungover or drunk..

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