Reply to Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

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Reply to "Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine. [/quote]

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a [b]manipulative[/b] "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.[/quote]

[b]It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite.  In fact, that is the perfect analogy.  [/b]These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family.  They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals.  It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason.  But that is all this is.  Same thing.[/quote]

It really isn't, but you tried.

You can really tell who has experienced this in their family and who hasn't. Twisting themselves into the usual DCUM pretzels to defend / do their devil's advocate game. [/quote]

Care to explain why you think my analogy doesn't work?  I explained why I think it does.  And then I also acknowledged that there is difference in how the other party talks about the event.  There is a difference between "we would be honored if you joined us" and "we give you the gift of this invitation" and "we demand you attend".

But I maintain that at the end of the day it is the same basic situation:  a family member wants to share a milestone with family, they create an event and only pay for part of it, and others have to choose whether to go at personal expense/inconvenience or not.[/quote]

IDK about you, but we cleared our possible wedding dates with our siblings first before announcing them. Just seems that's what people do with adults. [/quote]

We have some missing facts here.  With three kids, I assumed the ILs said "this summer" and found a week that would likely work.  You assumed they didn't.  OP never gave any indication either way.

Let's assume they did offer flexibility on the dates.  Any other difference?
Let's also acknowledge that weddings rarely happen on a date that is ideal for all close family members.

This was never about the specific timing being a problem anyway.  It was about the cost, inconvenience, and not exactly what OP would want to do on her own. (like a wedding)[/quote]

People have thresholds. It seems that in recent years, celebrations have gotten more and more all encompassing. Retirement parties used to be a couple hours in the evening. Bachelor parties used to be a night, not a weekend. Big birthdays used to be a party, not a destination. And people don’t have a lot of time off. And people have limited budgets. [/quote]

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