What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

Oh please. Get over yourself. So you tried, it failed. That happens to literally everybody, in every facet of life. This is the whole point of emotional vulnerability: you won't always get what you want. If you did, it wouldn't be vulnerable! Nobody who is advocating for men to have more emotional intelligence is saying it's going to be the solution to your problems.

Do you see the irony in your post? Here is man expressing emotional vulnerability and a woman responds with essentially 'grow up, get over it'. JFC.

There is a wall he can't break through for whatever reason. OP, it could be hormone issues, it could be a thyroid related issue (some causes depression, anxiety, loss of libido), it could be a body image issue, it could be stress/work/childcare/etc, she could be having an affair (emotional or physical) herself, who knows?

The only thing I would suggest is that you need to be blunt, VERY blunt and with urgency if you have truly tried all of those things and can't through. Sit her down, tell her what you are going through--the physical and emotional intimacy you miss and aren't getting, ask what is wrong, if there is anything more she needs--help on the home front, etc., and basically say: I can't live like this. If we can't resolve this I will have to get it outside of the marriage and I don't want to do that. I only want you.

The fall out from her finding out about your cheating and the hurt is going to be a trillion times worse (epic proportions) than having this painful, hard conversation. But, you owe it to yourself, her and the kids to have this blunt conversation before going outside of the marriage. And since you already have, you need to get end it, get into individual therapy and talk this over with a professional.

Are you a woman? If so, you are chastising me because I am not coddling a man's feelings, and that feeds into the exact same cycle that is causing these issues in the first place. Men don't like to deal with negative feelings so we all tiptoe around men so they don't have negative feelings, and then they have a hard time learning to deal with them in the first place.

Sometimes people need to be told to get a grip on themselves. Sometimes that is the appropriate response to an expression of emotion. I trust that this guy is an adult who can handle what I, a random internet commenter, said to him.

Your advice is good, though. I would add that PP could benefit from therapy, too. And I don't say this as an insult like some people do, everybody at some point in their life could benefit from therapy but especially someone in a marriage that has been struggling for so long.

So you think telling someone "get over yourself" is a healthy and normal response to someone giving an honest statement about their thoughts and feelings? Are you married?

+1 yes, I was a woman. And I still think her post was a perfect example of why men don't want to express any vulnerability. They basically get called a p*ssy by women and told to deal. Forget having any discourse or empathy.

Plus 1, this is why men don't talk about the distress that a lack of sexual affection causes. So many women, including this PP, have the reaction of "deal with it" or "your penis needs attention? Waaaaa!"

The idea you can raise a point repeatedly and be shut out of solutions, well at that point, I don't know I would tell my spouse I am now seeking it elsewhere. That sounds a lot like the open marriage guy. If your spouse is begging for affection and you refuse him/her, repeatedly, I am not that sympathetic to you getting cheated on. What do you think its going to happen?

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

lol all men say that physical touch is their love language. And yet their wives complain that they can't hug their husbands without being groped and begged for sex. Touch doesn't mean sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

lol all men say that physical touch is their love language. And yet their wives complain that they can't hug their husbands without being groped and begged for sex. Touch doesn't mean sex.

If I hugged my partner and they groped and begged for sex, I would feel bad for having let them get to that point.

[Anonymous]

I was profoundly lonely in my marriage and my wife wouldn't meet me anywhere near the middle. Another man whose love language is physical touch which of course means sexual touch. Unless you have experienced loneliness and the despair it causes, it's hard to reconcile how someone would risk it all to feel connected again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whyyyyyy do people defend cheating???

It seems like it’s so obvious that it hurts people but people do all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify it. He started it by being mean! I have sexual needs that weren’t being met! It’s okay because my spouse never found out!

Even if somebody is inclined to empathize with cheaters, how is there no consensus that cheating hurts people, it’s wrong to hurt people, so cheating is wrong?

I swear some of these people saying that cheating isn’t a big deal would also get up in arms about backing out of a social engagement or forgetting to send a written thank you card.

This analogy is spot on. We all feel hurt when those things (cheating or other ppl backing out social engagements or forgetting to send a thank you card) happen to us, yet we all make excuses for ourselves and expect to be forgiven when we do those things that hurt others. It's like all my single friends on dating apps have ghosted and been ghosted. Of course they feel upset when they are ghosted, but it doesn't stop them from ghosting people they are not interested in, and they feel justified to do so. It's just part of life.

Ultimately it depends on who has more opportunity to do those kinds of hurtful things. Like a hot girl on dating apps is much more likely to ghost others than being ghosted herself. Or a successful and attractive middle age man has more resource (money, social status, time away from home) to cheat than a SAHM. But let's admit it, we (regardless of gender) would all find it hard to resist the temptation if given the right opportunity. Men simply have more opportunities to cheat; that's it.[/b]
[b]
FWIW I'm a woman who have never cheated in 10 years of my marriage, and have not been cheated on to my best knowledge. But if it had happened I would just think of it as a matter of which of us was presented the opportunity first. Neither of us actively sought out cheating. But I don't pretend that I have the morality to turn down a (hypothetically) opportunity of having some good NSA sex with a very hot guy that my husband would never find out.

AHHH...NO. As a highly attractive woman, I have been hit on and propositioned my entire life. At the Office, at the gym, on the sidelines of a kids' soccer game. I have had every opportunity out there and I have never even kissed another man in the 26 years I have been with my husband. I also was hit on when I was a single woman by very successful and handsome married men, and I thought they were scum. I always thought 'how the hell could they do this to their wife? their kids?'. SO, some of us have morality and integrity and can have a million opportunities. Even if some divine power told me that I would never get caught, the guilt alone would eat me alive.

There are 2 big problems in your morality and integrity argument:

1. You are a woman so your sex drive is just a fraction of most men’s.

2. You are not rejected for sex at home.

Since this is a “cheating husbands” thread, your post is pretty irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whyyyyyy do people defend cheating???

It seems like it’s so obvious that it hurts people but people do all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify it. He started it by being mean! I have sexual needs that weren’t being met! It’s okay because my spouse never found out!

Even if somebody is inclined to empathize with cheaters, how is there no consensus that cheating hurts people, it’s wrong to hurt people, so cheating is wrong?

I swear some of these people saying that cheating isn’t a big deal would also get up in arms about backing out of a social engagement or forgetting to send a written thank you card.

This analogy is spot on. We all feel hurt when those things (cheating or other ppl backing out social engagements or forgetting to send a thank you card) happen to us, yet we all make excuses for ourselves and expect to be forgiven when we do those things that hurt others. It's like all my single friends on dating apps have ghosted and been ghosted. Of course they feel upset when they are ghosted, but it doesn't stop them from ghosting people they are not interested in, and they feel justified to do so. It's just part of life.

Ultimately it depends on who has more opportunity to do those kinds of hurtful things. Like a hot girl on dating apps is much more likely to ghost others than being ghosted herself. Or a successful and attractive middle age man has more resource (money, social status, time away from home) to cheat than a SAHM. But let's admit it, we (regardless of gender) would all find it hard to resist the temptation if given the right opportunity. Men simply have more opportunities to cheat; that's it.[/b]
[b]
FWIW I'm a woman who have never cheated in 10 years of my marriage, and have not been cheated on to my best knowledge. But if it had happened I would just think of it as a matter of which of us was presented the opportunity first. Neither of us actively sought out cheating. But I don't pretend that I have the morality to turn down a (hypothetically) opportunity of having some good NSA sex with a very hot guy that my husband would never find out.

AHHH...NO. As a highly attractive woman, I have been hit on and propositioned my entire life. At the Office, at the gym, on the sidelines of a kids' soccer game. I have had every opportunity out there and I have never even kissed another man in the 26 years I have been with my husband. I also was hit on when I was a single woman by very successful and handsome married men, and I thought they were scum. I always thought 'how the hell could they do this to their wife? their kids?'. SO, some of us have morality and integrity and can have a million opportunities. Even if some divine power told me that I would never get caught, the guilt alone would eat me alive.

There are 2 big problems in your morality and integrity argument:

1. You are a woman so your sex drive is just a fraction of most men’s.

2. You are not rejected for sex at home.

Since this is a “cheating husbands” thread, your post is pretty irrelevant.

Not at all. She is responding to a woman and that woman saying she’d do it in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

lol all men say that physical touch is their love language. And yet their wives complain that they can't hug their husbands without being groped and begged for sex. Touch doesn't mean sex.

If I hugged my partner and they groped and begged for sex, I would feel bad for having let them get to that point.

Even if you were having sex regularly? There are women who literally cannot sit next to their husbands without being assaulted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

lol all men say that physical touch is their love language. And yet their wives complain that they can't hug their husbands without being groped and begged for sex. Touch doesn't mean sex.

If I hugged my partner and they groped and begged for sex, I would feel bad for having let them get to that point.

Even if you were having sex regularly? There are women who literally cannot sit next to their husbands without being assaulted.

True! My husband grabs my ass and gets a hard on any time I’m near. If I walk by in yoga pants or I have bare legs, etc. We have been married 23 years. He gets a hard on if the wind blows. If I’m in the shower there is head poking around the curtain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

lol all men say that physical touch is their love language. And yet their wives complain that they can't hug their husbands without being groped and begged for sex. Touch doesn't mean sex.

If I hugged my partner and they groped and begged for sex, I would feel bad for having let them get to that point.

Even if you were having sex regularly? There are women who literally cannot sit next to their husbands without being assaulted.

True! My husband grabs my ass and gets a hard on any time I’m near. If I walk by in yoga pants or I have bare legs, etc. We have been married 23 years. He gets a hard on if the wind blows. If I’m in the shower there is head poking around the curtain.

This is my point. So many men say "touch is my love language", and they mean only sexual touch. Which means that their partners cannot hug them, cuddle with them, or even touch their arm as they walk by. How do you think that would make a woman feel?

[Anonymous]

The problem is most married men cannot find enough married women to cheat with.

I'd you don't want to have sex, divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

lol all men say that physical touch is their love language. And yet their wives complain that they can't hug their husbands without being groped and begged for sex. Touch doesn't mean sex.

If I hugged my partner and they groped and begged for sex, I would feel bad for having let them get to that point.

Even if you were having sex regularly? There are women who literally cannot sit next to their husbands without being assaulted.

True! My husband grabs my ass and gets a hard on any time I’m near. If I walk by in yoga pants or I have bare legs, etc. We have been married 23 years. He gets a hard on if the wind blows. If I’m in the shower there is head poking around the curtain.

This is my point. So many men say "touch is my love language", and they mean only sexual touch. Which means that their partners cannot hug them, cuddle with them, or even touch their arm as they walk by. How do you think that would make a woman feel?

Desired?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is most married men cannot find enough married women to cheat with.

I'd you don't want to have sex, divorce.

If all you care about is sex, stay single and make enough money to buy it as often as you'd like. Marriage doesn't exist to give men unfettered access to sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

lol all men say that physical touch is their love language. And yet their wives complain that they can't hug their husbands without being groped and begged for sex. Touch doesn't mean sex.

If I hugged my partner and they groped and begged for sex, I would feel bad for having let them get to that point.

Even if you were having sex regularly? There are women who literally cannot sit next to their husbands without being assaulted.

True! My husband grabs my ass and gets a hard on any time I’m near. If I walk by in yoga pants or I have bare legs, etc. We have been married 23 years. He gets a hard on if the wind blows. If I’m in the shower there is head poking around the curtain.

This is my point. So many men say "touch is my love language", and they mean only sexual touch. Which means that their partners cannot hug them, cuddle with them, or even touch their arm as they walk by. How do you think that would make a woman feel?

Desired?

It would make her feel objectified and like her body isn't her own. A woman doesn't want her entire existence to be like walking alone through a crowded market in Cairo. It's exhausting and dehumanizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

lol all men say that physical touch is their love language. And yet their wives complain that they can't hug their husbands without being groped and begged for sex. Touch doesn't mean sex.

If I hugged my partner and they groped and begged for sex, I would feel bad for having let them get to that point.

Even if you were having sex regularly? There are women who literally cannot sit next to their husbands without being assaulted.

True! My husband grabs my ass and gets a hard on any time I’m near. If I walk by in yoga pants or I have bare legs, etc. We have been married 23 years. He gets a hard on if the wind blows. If I’m in the shower there is head poking around the curtain.

This is my point. So many men say "touch is my love language", and they mean only sexual touch. Which means that their partners cannot hug them, cuddle with them, or even touch their arm as they walk by. How do you think that would make a woman feel?

Desired?

It would make her feel objectified and like her body isn't her own. A woman doesn't want her entire existence to be like walking alone through a crowded market in Cairo. It's exhausting and dehumanizing.

It's also pretty lonely to feel like you can't touch your husband's knee without him trying to pull your pants down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.

lol all men say that physical touch is their love language. And yet their wives complain that they can't hug their husbands without being groped and begged for sex. Touch doesn't mean sex.

If I hugged my partner and they groped and begged for sex, I would feel bad for having let them get to that point.

Even if you were having sex regularly? There are women who literally cannot sit next to their husbands without being assaulted.

True! My husband grabs my ass and gets a hard on any time I’m near. If I walk by in yoga pants or I have bare legs, etc. We have been married 23 years. He gets a hard on if the wind blows. If I’m in the shower there is head poking around the curtain.

This is my point. So many men say "touch is my love language", and they mean only sexual touch. Which means that their partners cannot hug them, cuddle with them, or even touch their arm as they walk by. How do you think that would make a woman feel?

Desired?

It would make her feel objectified and like her body isn't her own. A woman doesn't want her entire existence to be like walking alone through a crowded market in Cairo. It's exhausting and dehumanizing.

It's also pretty lonely to feel like you can't touch your husband's knee without him trying to pull your pants down.

Ridiculous exaggeration. Come on.