This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AP told me awful things when he broke it off. We said “I love you”, but it was a game we both played. It ended very ugly. It was never true love. We didn’t even know the “real” person. I see this now, but like OP I was desperate to believe otherwise.

That’s really sad. Important not to play games with people.

[Anonymous]

It’s over…..THE END.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

Perhaps some. Many, many more have no love it’s just an escape, side bang. If they can ghost and walk away with no contact you pretty much know which one you were. Most married women cheating are looking for that fantasy of love. They can’t fathom how it just isn’t the same for most men. You have to play the game to keep an easy thing going and who doesn’t like having their ego stoked and told how amazing they are? Real love isn’t banging a few times a month with very little contact, never meeting anyone of importance in their life, staying in the shadows. If it’s real love there would be no obstacles. They’d move heaven and earth to be with you. Not squeeze you in for a 30 min nooner 2 weeks from now.

Trust me, I agree totally that it takes some self deception and selfishness to do this. But I think many men kind of operate on a piecemeal basis. Have you ever sent a guy to do something? He will execute literal commands, anything to the side that is relevant that someone paying attention could figure out just may not happen. It sounds strange but I think many men think, ok, I am married and I love my wife. I love this woman, too. The way to love them both is to keep her secret and that way my wife won’t be hurt but she still gets my time. It’s not right, and quite blind to a number of complications… emotional and practical and ethical. But hey — that’s how they think. What are you going to do?

If you think the love for a spouse of 25 years who you met unencumbered in the peak of your attractiveness and gave birth to your children is the same for some woman you banged a few months, you are absolutely delusional. There is lust in a new sexual relationship which is not love. Not even close.

I think that after 25 years you’re going to have a lot of water under the bridge. Your love is real and it is a history but that means it’s also been mixed up with anger and resentment and a bunch of other crap, not to mention the passion and romance is diluted by a bunch of humdrum stuff that is about as fun as watching paint dry. I don’t think most affairs are just about the sex. They are really about people recovering some feeling about themselves that is missing in their other life.

I’ll get some snacks and wait for the multi-paragraph retort explaining testily that you/OP are just a hole/tissue/a 10 minute bang and DH just made a “mistake” mkay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP told me awful things when he broke it off. We said “I love you”, but it was a game we both played. It ended very ugly. It was never true love. We didn’t even know the “real” person. I see this now, but like OP I was desperate to believe otherwise.

That’s really sad. Important not to play games with people.

An affair is all a game. It’s based on a lie. Anyone that willingly gets involved in an affair should know they are both liars. It’s all a big game.

Nobody is themselves. They are acting a part. Only showing one fake persona, often nothing like who they are IRL. FFS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

Perhaps some. Many, many more have no love it’s just an escape, side bang. If they can ghost and walk away with no contact you pretty much know which one you were. Most married women cheating are looking for that fantasy of love. They can’t fathom how it just isn’t the same for most men. You have to play the game to keep an easy thing going and who doesn’t like having their ego stoked and told how amazing they are? Real love isn’t banging a few times a month with very little contact, never meeting anyone of importance in their life, staying in the shadows. If it’s real love there would be no obstacles. They’d move heaven and earth to be with you. Not squeeze you in for a 30 min nooner 2 weeks from now.

Trust me, I agree totally that it takes some self deception and selfishness to do this. But I think many men kind of operate on a piecemeal basis. Have you ever sent a guy to do something? He will execute literal commands, anything to the side that is relevant that someone paying attention could figure out just may not happen. It sounds strange but I think many men think, ok, I am married and I love my wife. I love this woman, too. The way to love them both is to keep her secret and that way my wife won’t be hurt but she still gets my time. It’s not right, and quite blind to a number of complications… emotional and practical and ethical. But hey — that’s how they think. What are you going to do?

If you think the love for a spouse of 25 years who you met unencumbered in the peak of your attractiveness and gave birth to your children is the same for some woman you banged a few months, you are absolutely delusional. There is lust in a new sexual relationship which is not love. Not even close.

I think that after 25 years you’re going to have a lot of water under the bridge. Your love is real and it is a history but that means it’s also been mixed up with anger and resentment and a bunch of other crap, not to mention the passion and romance is diluted by a bunch of humdrum stuff that is about as fun as watching paint dry. I don’t think most affairs are just about the sex. They are really about people recovering some feeling about themselves that is missing in their other life.

People with awful coping skills. Some drink excessively, some do drugs, some gamble and some have sex with other people. All poor coping skills masking real issues inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP told me awful things when he broke it off. We said “I love you”, but it was a game we both played. It ended very ugly. It was never true love. We didn’t even know the “real” person. I see this now, but like OP I was desperate to believe otherwise.

That’s really sad. Important not to play games with people.

Yeah, especially with your unknowing husband/wife Gdamn ppl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

Perhaps some. Many, many more have no love it’s just an escape, side bang. If they can ghost and walk away with no contact you pretty much know which one you were. Most married women cheating are looking for that fantasy of love. They can’t fathom how it just isn’t the same for most men. You have to play the game to keep an easy thing going and who doesn’t like having their ego stoked and told how amazing they are? Real love isn’t banging a few times a month with very little contact, never meeting anyone of importance in their life, staying in the shadows. If it’s real love there would be no obstacles. They’d move heaven and earth to be with you. Not squeeze you in for a 30 min nooner 2 weeks from now.

Trust me, I agree totally that it takes some self deception and selfishness to do this. But I think many men kind of operate on a piecemeal basis. Have you ever sent a guy to do something? He will execute literal commands, anything to the side that is relevant that someone paying attention could figure out just may not happen. It sounds strange but I think many men think, ok, I am married and I love my wife. I love this woman, too. The way to love them both is to keep her secret and that way my wife won’t be hurt but she still gets my time. It’s not right, and quite blind to a number of complications… emotional and practical and ethical. But hey — that’s how they think. What are you going to do?

If you think the love for a spouse of 25 years who you met unencumbered in the peak of your attractiveness and gave birth to your children is the same for some woman you banged a few months, you are absolutely delusional. There is lust in a new sexual relationship which is not love. Not even close.

I think that after 25 years you’re going to have a lot of water under the bridge. Your love is real and it is a history but that means it’s also been mixed up with anger and resentment and a bunch of other crap, not to mention the passion and romance is diluted by a bunch of humdrum stuff that is about as fun as watching paint dry. I don’t think most affairs are just about the sex. They are really about people recovering some feeling about themselves that is missing in their other life.

People with awful coping skills. Some drink excessively, some do drugs, some gamble and some have sex with other people. All poor coping skills masking real issues inside.

Which camp does your husband fall in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

Perhaps some. Many, many more have no love it’s just an escape, side bang. If they can ghost and walk away with no contact you pretty much know which one you were. Most married women cheating are looking for that fantasy of love. They can’t fathom how it just isn’t the same for most men. You have to play the game to keep an easy thing going and who doesn’t like having their ego stoked and told how amazing they are? Real love isn’t banging a few times a month with very little contact, never meeting anyone of importance in their life, staying in the shadows. If it’s real love there would be no obstacles. They’d move heaven and earth to be with you. Not squeeze you in for a 30 min nooner 2 weeks from now.

Trust me, I agree totally that it takes some self deception and selfishness to do this. But I think many men kind of operate on a piecemeal basis. Have you ever sent a guy to do something? He will execute literal commands, anything to the side that is relevant that someone paying attention could figure out just may not happen. It sounds strange but I think many men think, ok, I am married and I love my wife. I love this woman, too. The way to love them both is to keep her secret and that way my wife won’t be hurt but she still gets my time. It’s not right, and quite blind to a number of complications… emotional and practical and ethical. But hey — that’s how they think. What are you going to do?

If you think the love for a spouse of 25 years who you met unencumbered in the peak of your attractiveness and gave birth to your children is the same for some woman you banged a few months, you are absolutely delusional. There is lust in a new sexual relationship which is not love. Not even close.

I think that after 25 years you’re going to have a lot of water under the bridge. Your love is real and it is a history but that means it’s also been mixed up with anger and resentment and a bunch of other crap, not to mention the passion and romance is diluted by a bunch of humdrum stuff that is about as fun as watching paint dry. I don’t think most affairs are just about the sex. They are really about people recovering some feeling about themselves that is missing in their other life.

People with awful coping skills. Some drink excessively, some do drugs, some gamble and some have sex with other people. All poor coping skills masking real issues inside.

Which camp does your husband fall in?

None that I’m aware of.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you experienced such a complicated painful event. You’re human therefore flawed as is each one of us. I don’t know what you should do but I think you learned a deeply painful lesson about what you need versus what he will offer. I think you should allow the lesson in and don’t deny what you know now. Then do what you feel is right. Again, I’m sorry for this pain and I know you can get through this. Best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP told me awful things when he broke it off. We said “I love you”, but it was a game we both played. It ended very ugly. It was never true love. We didn’t even know the “real” person. I see this now, but like OP I was desperate to believe otherwise.

That’s really sad. Important not to play games with people.

An affair is all a game. It’s based on a lie. Anyone that willingly gets involved in an affair should know they are both liars. It’s all a big game.

Nobody is themselves. They are acting a part. Only showing one fake persona, often nothing like who they are IRL. FFS

Games are fun. If you want to keep your marriage strong you have to learn to be playful together. This whole dichotomy of “real” vs “fun” is pretty stifling, no?

I’m not saying cheat. I’m saying let’s not look down on games and fun. This attitude is what leads to cheating, because marriages get stale and dull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you experienced such a complicated painful event. You’re human therefore flawed as is each one of us. I don’t know what you should do but I think you learned a deeply painful lesson about what you need versus what he will offer. I think you should allow the lesson in and don’t deny what you know now. Then do what you feel is right. Again, I’m sorry for this pain and I know you can get through this. Best to you.

Are you for real?

What she should do is get therapy and move on?

The man is married with a wife and kids. It was an affair. He ended it and told her please no longer contact me. On top of that he almost died. Any human with any ounce of empathy or compassion would do the right thing which is to accept this since even she said she knew this affair was not meant to end in her getting this man/him leaving his wife and kids.

If she truly loves this man as she claims, the most loving thing she can do at this point is respect his wishes and leave him in the past.

She posts incessantly about this and is really in need of professional therapy and a good amount of self reflection.

She should try to do better in life going forward and not get involved with married men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AP told me awful things when he broke it off. We said “I love you”, but it was a game we both played. It ended very ugly. It was never true love. We didn’t even know the “real” person. I see this now, but like OP I was desperate to believe otherwise.

That’s really sad. Important not to play games with people.

An affair is all a game. It’s based on a lie. Anyone that willingly gets involved in an affair should know they are both liars. It’s all a big game.

Nobody is themselves. They are acting a part. Only showing one fake persona, often nothing like who they are IRL. FFS

Games are fun. If you want to keep your marriage strong you have to learn to be playful together. This whole dichotomy of “real” vs “fun” is pretty stifling, no?

I’m not saying cheat. I’m saying let’s not look down on games and fun. This attitude is what leads to cheating, because marriages get stale and dull.

m
Gaslighting is a psychological mind game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was never dying. He just wanted a reason to get you to stop being a Stage 4 clinger.

This is one of the myriad of reasons why married people should not have affairs. There are so many unstable people out there like OP. They live in fantasy land and read something into nothing. They just can’t accept that they ultimately meant nothing. Tough pill to swallow. To know you were duped.

Okay I will let his Surgeon and ICU team know you think they were imaginary. I'm sure the enormous scars are also just makeup.

Only you aren’t a relative so no you won’t. You aren’t even allowed in ICU, honey. Only his wife and kids are.

The women on this board feel threatened when they’re reminded some men cheat. It strikes at their vulnerability and some get vicious, but it’s more about them and their fear then it is about you, OP. This happens whenever someone mentions cheating with a married man.

[Anonymous]

I skipped to the last page of comments because I literally cannot imagine why you need to crowdsource this on DCUM. Your ability to live a life of integrity is so weak. I guess you don't have anyone in real life to discuss this with, or don't want to. You know how bad it all is. You may love him on some level but it's really not worth much is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who had this happen, was still intimate with her AP, when he had a heart attack. She had to hear through 3rd parties that he died. She was bereft and completely cut off.

She had no other relationships with even women friends because no one approved of this long term affair. She has no other family. She built her whole world around him. He acted as if she was his partner. But at the end of the day she didn't even have a way to find out what happened to him other than dig around.

I really don't understand how women can put themselves in this position.

Because she was NOTHING.

Nothing was real in that “relationship”. And so many times it’s just sex for the man no matter what comes out of his mouth.

When the chips are down the AP gets thrown under the bus, out with the trash.

Depends. Unfortunately, it’s often the wife who’s out with the trash.