This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
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Anonymous
| So I am the former AP of someone I still care deeply about but am I longer intimate with. We still feel connected but do not speak or meet. This summer he nearly died, and while that was happening, asked me not to communicate bc he was afraid the messages would be found by his wife and would hurt her (obviously, although they are PG their mere existence would be hurtful at such a time). Anyway all my normal instincts of being helpful etc were impossible bc of what I have been to him, and the only humane thing to do was withdraw, knowing that his first priority is of course his family and real life. He got back in touch afterwards to let me know he was okay. The whole experience was humiliating and excruciating though in terms of all channels of normal basic decency being closed and ironically as afraid as I was of losing him to death itself, I’m now inclined to end it anyway bc being shut out made crystal clear that no matter what I have ever meant to him (which he has all along told me is a lot) it is next to nothing in the context of his real life, and I feel like such a fool for having cared so deeply for so long even though I ended the physical relationship many years ago. Ending the emotional tie now won’t actually accomplish anything bc it still doesn’t change the past or how we can relate to each other now. He has meant a lot to me and the relationship such as it is (mostly based on our former bond) has gotten me through some very tough times but does not feel the same after this. Does it make sense to end it because of something in the past that ending it cannot change? It seems irrational but that’s my impulse. |
Anonymous
| Good lord. |
Anonymous
| I have no idea what you're even saying. But yes, you should end it. Are you really surprised a man who would cheat on his wife - the woman he promised to cherish - doesn't give AF about you? |
Anonymous
The ship sailed for “normal human decency” when you decided to be a home wrecker. |
Anonymous
| What are you even ending? He doesn’t talk to you or see you. Whatever you “had” ended a long time ago and obviously didn’t mean that much to him. Time to grow up and move on. It’s just sad. |
Anonymous
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You are entitled to end this relationship; you don’t need anyone’s approval. This man and this relationship are no good for you.
I’m sure people will flame you for being the OW. They will flame you for keeping up the emotional component of the affair, and for having the audacity to want to communicate with this guy while he and his family were dealing with his acute health issues. They might also flame you for writing in an extra long block paragraph. Your desperation comes through, and I feel for you. Dump this guy once and for all and improve your life. Become the version of yourself you aspire to be. You will never get there with this guy hanging over you. |
Anonymous
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I know a woman who had this happen, was still intimate with her AP, when he had a heart attack. She had to hear through 3rd parties that he died. She was bereft and completely cut off.
She had no other relationships with even women friends because no one approved of this long term affair. She has no other family. She built her whole world around him. He acted as if she was his partner. But at the end of the day she didn't even have a way to find out what happened to him other than dig around. I really don't understand how women can put themselves in this position. |
Anonymous
| I’m not understanding your question. It sounds like it’s already over - what would you be ending? I just can’t follow exactly what you are asking, including the part about the past…it’s unclear. |
Anonymous
| It has been good for me in some ways and life ruining in others. But it seems like it’s not longer good for me, or him. |
Anonymous
+1 Though I don’t exactly feel bad about the flaming; I feel for OP because I know what it’s like to make crappy decisions and take hits to my self-esteem just for a guy who in the end wasn’t that great, but I truly hope this is a wake up call. I recommend therapy. It’s great! |
Anonymous
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This is your 3rd or 4th post on this situation. I'm glad you realize you never meant anything to him, and you were wasting your time.
So stop communicating with him. |
Anonymous
Every good thing that happened as a result of the affair could have been reached through other ways, healthier ways that didn’t hurt others or yourself like this. |
Anonymous
I know it sounds like that but we have been emotionally bonded for years in spite of that, he has been very clear about the ways he’s kept it alive and how I have kept him company etc, which weirdly I have been aware of even though we were not physically in touch. I can’t explain it but he has been holding his end of the rope all this time, and so have I. It is unusual for an affair. We were extremely emotionally close and connected even though no longer physical (not for lack of interest on his part, I could not keep going emotionally). |
Anonymous
Is this OP? You are hanging on to something that doesn’t even exist anymore. In your OP you said you don’t talk or meet, and sounds like you haven’t for a while. This was a mistake years ago when you did it and hanging on to it as long as you have is really sad. I agree with the PPs that recommended therapy. Obsessing over a married man who’s not interested in you is not healthy. |
Anonymous
+1 |