This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re wrong, and it doesn’t brother me a bit. The thing about being confident and emotionally stable is that strangers on the Internet trying to talk you out of a place you took several years to get to doesn’t feel threatening. I understand how to make healthy choices now. The misogynistic bent of this board that blames women, wants to view them as attention seeking, and is unable to hold men accountable doesn’t surprise me. My point in contributing to this discussion is to let OP know that she can be in control of her life. Note that I’m one of the few people that spoke to her with any degree of compassion.

Well put. You’re too nuanced and balanced for this board: see above the As A Woman, I Can Come After You, Nay, I Am Obliged To! response.

Wut?

Moron says wut. Repeatedly.

You didn’t get to her, ditchpig. Go try and make sure your DH never falls into the wiles of a woman like PP or OP. Wait, you’ll never do that because that would require you to face the insecurities you display here. You are a misogynist and wildly insecure about the ability of other women to be involved with your husband. Every thread on this board about this topic brings this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, what works for some people doesn’t work for others. I don’t block anyone; I rarely engage on social media. I’m busy and focused on my own life. The occasional text that floats my way is no different than any other ex-boyfriend who reaches out, and most of us have had those as well. I don’t feel any pull to respond because I did that work. The number of people who need to argue that I haven’t, with no understanding of me or my life, is what I mean by mysoginy. Being comfortable with who you are means that when others people need to talk to you out of your own feelings, you just shrug. Which is what I’m doing here. It’s notable that this is a hijacking from OP‘s post, and needs to stop. I responded to her directly, and my message to her is the same. Lean into yourself and your own values and figure out what’s going on when your actions hurt yourself and others. That will always get you to a better place in life.

The thing to realize about DCUM is that it is not your peers, not your usual circle, not your reference points. It’s useful as a cross section of possible responses on an issue, but people are inevitably only responding to the one facet or dimension of any topic that was posted and yet respond with such conviction of an all-seeing god. They are blinded to their own limitations of perspective, but try telling them that and they will scream bloody murder.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re wrong, and it doesn’t brother me a bit. The thing about being confident and emotionally stable is that strangers on the Internet trying to talk you out of a place you took several years to get to doesn’t feel threatening. I understand how to make healthy choices now. The misogynistic bent of this board that blames women, wants to view them as attention seeking, and is unable to hold men accountable doesn’t surprise me. My point in contributing to this discussion is to let OP know that she can be in control of her life. Note that I’m one of the few people that spoke to her with any degree of compassion.

Well put. You’re too nuanced and balanced for this board: see above the As A Woman, I Can Come After You, Nay, I Am Obliged To! response.

Wut?

Moron says wut. Repeatedly.

You didn’t get to her, ditchpig. Go try and make sure your DH never falls into the wiles of a woman like PP or OP. Wait, you’ll never do that because that would require you to face the insecurities you display here. You are a misogynist and wildly insecure about the ability of other women to be involved with your husband. Every thread on this board about this topic brings this out.

Someone posts “wut” because your post doesn’t really make much sense, but then they are deemed the “moron,” “ditchpig” (!) and “wildly insecure.” Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

I don't "allow" anything, I am responsible for my choices, not his. This is what that situation taught me. I don't need to block someone to understand what is and isn't good for me to respond to. It's called boundaries, folks. I have them now, he didn't and doesn't. That's on him. The continued push to blame women for men's behavior is tiresome.

Are you looking for empathy op? Sympathy? You had a parallel relationship, running alongside his real life, yes. When the rubber met the road, you saw your place in the hierarchy, a position you were protected from apparently, for quite some time. This is always the problem with affairs...they are a fragmented, un-integrated aspect of a person's life. While in it, it feels heavy and the feelings are real and intense, etc. But in the larger reality it is a secret and a type of parallel, fantasied world,and that became painfully real to you. But in a way it was always true, you just did not want to fully see it. I imagine it is very painful yes. But you chose and created it. Create something different if you want something different. You sound like you want to. You saw how little power you had and my guess is that was a shock because you typically felt powerful throughout the whole thing. You don't like the loss of status. That's understandable. You were not treated very well. So figure out why you tolerated conditions that led to that scenario.

[Anonymous]

If you play with fire, you get burned unfortunately

[Anonymous]

I think it is actually rational to end it. This is not good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

I don't "allow" anything, I am responsible for my choices, not his. This is what that situation taught me. I don't need to block someone to understand what is and isn't good for me to respond to. It's called boundaries, folks. I have them now, he didn't and doesn't. That's on him. The continued push to blame women for men's behavior is tiresome.

Are you looking for empathy op? Sympathy? You had a parallel relationship, running alongside his real life, yes. When the rubber met the road, you saw your place in the hierarchy, a position you were protected from apparently, for quite some time. This is always the problem with affairs...they are a fragmented, un-integrated aspect of a person's life. While in it, it feels heavy and the feelings are real and intense, etc. But in the larger reality it is a secret and a type of parallel, fantasied world,and that became painfully real to you. But in a way it was always true, you just did not want to fully see it. I imagine it is very painful yes. But you chose and created it. Create something different if you want something different. You sound like you want to. You saw how little power you had and my guess is that was a shock because you typically felt powerful throughout the whole thing. You don't like the loss of status. That's understandable. You were not treated very well. So figure out why you tolerated conditions that led to that scenario.

These are the selfish reason why I wouldn’t want an affair. It’s not a good way to live for you yourself, set aside the moral aspects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re wrong, and it doesn’t brother me a bit. The thing about being confident and emotionally stable is that strangers on the Internet trying to talk you out of a place you took several years to get to doesn’t feel threatening. I understand how to make healthy choices now. The misogynistic bent of this board that blames women, wants to view them as attention seeking, and is unable to hold men accountable doesn’t surprise me. My point in contributing to this discussion is to let OP know that she can be in control of her life. Note that I’m one of the few people that spoke to her with any degree of compassion.

Well put. You’re too nuanced and balanced for this board: see above the As A Woman, I Can Come After You, Nay, I Am Obliged To! response.

Wut?

Moron says wut. Repeatedly.

You didn’t get to her, ditchpig. Go try and make sure your DH never falls into the wiles of a woman like PP or OP. Wait, you’ll never do that because that would require you to face the insecurities you display here. You are a misogynist and wildly insecure about the ability of other women to be involved with your husband. Every thread on this board about this topic brings this out.

Someone posts “wut” because your post doesn’t really make much sense, but then they are deemed the “moron,” “ditchpig” (!) and “wildly insecure.” Got it.

DP. I too have no idea “wut” PP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you never gave us your back story. What happened to get you to this place?

She cannot share this because it would poke holes in the star-crossed lovers fairytale she's created for herself and this man. She'd also probably lose the little sympathy she has.

Also, OP is clearly an attention seeker, and she gets more attention this way.

OP and you really have no idea and this is case in point of why this is the wrong audience for this information.

And yet....you posted here. Get help for your masochism op, stat. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

I don't "allow" anything, I am responsible for my choices, not his. This is what that situation taught me. I don't need to block someone to understand what is and isn't good for me to respond to. It's called boundaries, folks. I have them now, he didn't and doesn't. That's on him. The continued push to blame women for men's behavior is tiresome.

Are you looking for empathy op? Sympathy? You had a parallel relationship, running alongside his real life, yes. When the rubber met the road, you saw your place in the hierarchy, a position you were protected from apparently, for quite some time. This is always the problem with affairs...they are a fragmented, un-integrated aspect of a person's life. While in it, it feels heavy and the feelings are real and intense, etc. But in the larger reality it is a secret and a type of parallel, fantasied world,and that became painfully real to you. But in a way it was always true, you just did not want to fully see it. I imagine it is very painful yes. But you chose and created it. Create something different if you want something different. You sound like you want to. You saw how little power you had and my guess is that was a shock because you typically felt powerful throughout the whole thing. You don't like the loss of status. That's understandable. You were not treated very well. So figure out why you tolerated conditions that led to that scenario.

OP here and thank you for the measured response. Just so you know I did not write these entries you responded to. It was another respondent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not understanding your question. It sounds like it’s already over - what would you be ending? I just can’t follow exactly what you are asking, including the part about the past…it’s unclear.

I know it sounds like that but we have been emotionally bonded for years in spite of that, he has been very clear about the ways he’s kept it alive and how I have kept him company etc, which weirdly I have been aware of even though we were not physically in touch. I can’t explain it but he has been holding his end of the rope all this time, and so have I. It is unusual for an affair. We were extremely emotionally close and connected even though no longer physical (not for lack of interest on his part, I could not keep going emotionally).

Oh Lord!

No it was not special.
No it was not unusual.

Everybody thinks that.

You are extremely emotionally immature.

What happened in your life to get you here? Did your mother abandon you or die early, did your sad f you up? Were you abused, raped or had other trauma?

PP, let’s just pretend for a moment that the answer to any of those questions was yes. Is this any way to talk to someone who has experienced those things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

I don't "allow" anything, I am responsible for my choices, not his. This is what that situation taught me. I don't need to block someone to understand what is and isn't good for me to respond to. It's called boundaries, folks. I have them now, he didn't and doesn't. That's on him. The continued push to blame women for men's behavior is tiresome.

Are you looking for empathy op? Sympathy? You had a parallel relationship, running alongside his real life, yes. When the rubber met the road, you saw your place in the hierarchy, a position you were protected from apparently, for quite some time. This is always the problem with affairs...they are a fragmented, un-integrated aspect of a person's life. While in it, it feels heavy and the feelings are real and intense, etc. But in the larger reality it is a secret and a type of parallel, fantasied world,and that became painfully real to you. But in a way it was always true, you just did not want to fully see it. I imagine it is very painful yes. But you chose and created it. Create something different if you want something different. You sound like you want to. You saw how little power you had and my guess is that was a shock because you typically felt powerful throughout the whole thing. You don't like the loss of status. That's understandable. You were not treated very well. So figure out why you tolerated conditions that led to that scenario.

NP and this is a very insightful post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am the former AP of someone I still care deeply about but am I longer intimate with. We still feel connected but do not speak or meet. This summer he nearly died, and while that was happening, asked me not to communicate bc he was afraid the messages would be found by his wife and would hurt her (obviously, although they are PG their mere existence would be hurtful at such a time). Anyway all my normal instincts of being helpful etc were impossible bc of what I have been to him, and the only humane thing to do was withdraw, knowing that his first priority is of course his family and real life. He got back in touch afterwards to let me know he was okay. The whole experience was humiliating and excruciating though in terms of all channels of normal basic decency being closed and ironically as afraid as I was of losing him to death itself, I’m now inclined to end it anyway bc being shut out made crystal clear that no matter what I have ever meant to him (which he has all along told me is a lot) it is next to nothing in the context of his real life, and I feel like such a fool for having cared so deeply for so long even though I ended the physical relationship many years ago. Ending the emotional tie now won’t actually accomplish anything bc it still doesn’t change the past or how we can relate to each other now. He has meant a lot to me and the relationship such as it is (mostly based on our former bond) has gotten me through some very tough times but does not feel the same after this. Does it make sense to end it because of something in the past that ending it cannot change? It seems irrational but that’s my impulse.

That is THE longest run-on sentence I've ever seen. 👁👁

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

Lol, someone is triggered.
Maybe you should re-read her post... she said she DID a lot of self reflecting.
These sanctimonious posts are just so annoying, I can't imagine what a nightmare they are to be around in real life.

[Anonymous]

Well just so long as we can all agree on grammar and punctuation the fabric of society can heal.