This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you never gave us your back story. What happened to get you to this place?

Thank you for asking, it is 100% relevant but not something I would disclose to this group. Sorry.

This is an anonymous forum so you wouldn’t be disclosing anything… only providing “relevant” context to the strangers on here who you presumably are looking for advice from?

I am not prepared to address the responses it would generate, sorry. It is too private even for here.

How could the back story be any more private and response-inducing than OP’s original post and follow-up responses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you never gave us your back story. What happened to get you to this place?

Thank you for asking, it is 100% relevant but not something I would disclose to this group. Sorry.

This is an anonymous forum so you wouldn’t be disclosing anything… only providing “relevant” context to the strangers on here who you presumably are looking for advice from?

I am not prepared to address the responses it would generate, sorry. It is too private even for here.

How could the back story be any more private and response-inducing than OP’s original post and follow-up responses?

If she was a victim of trauma … hello like most women who make horrible decisions like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

I’m sure that makes you sleep better at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

Perhaps some. Many, many more have no love it’s just an escape, side bang. If they can ghost and walk away with no contact you pretty much know which one you were. Most married women cheating are looking for that fantasy of love. They can’t fathom how it just isn’t the same for most men. You have to play the game to keep an easy thing going and who doesn’t like having their ego stoked and told how amazing they are? Real love isn’t banging a few times a month with very little contact, never meeting anyone of importance in their life, staying in the shadows. If it’s real love there would be no obstacles. They’d move heaven and earth to be with you. Not squeeze you in for a 30 min nooner 2 weeks from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you never gave us your back story. What happened to get you to this place?

Thank you for asking, it is 100% relevant but not something I would disclose to this group. Sorry.

This is an anonymous forum so you wouldn’t be disclosing anything… only providing “relevant” context to the strangers on here who you presumably are looking for advice from?

I am not prepared to address the responses it would generate, sorry. It is too private even for here.

How could the back story be any more private and response-inducing than OP’s original post and follow-up responses?

If she was a victim of trauma … hello like most women who make horrible decisions like this.

Mentally unstable. Victim of trauma or not. Most strippers, hookers and OW are victims of some type of past trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

He didn’t think and more importantly, it wasn’t a concern for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

Perhaps some. Many, many more have no love it’s just an escape, side bang. If they can ghost and walk away with no contact you pretty much know which one you were. Most married women cheating are looking for that fantasy of love. They can’t fathom how it just isn’t the same for most men. You have to play the game to keep an easy thing going and who doesn’t like having their ego stoked and told how amazing they are? Real love isn’t banging a few times a month with very little contact, never meeting anyone of importance in their life, staying in the shadows. If it’s real love there would be no obstacles. They’d move heaven and earth to be with you. Not squeeze you in for a 30 min nooner 2 weeks from now.

Trust me, I agree totally that it takes some self deception and selfishness to do this. But I think many men kind of operate on a piecemeal basis. Have you ever sent a guy to do something? He will execute literal commands, anything to the side that is relevant that someone paying attention could figure out just may not happen. It sounds strange but I think many men think, ok, I am married and I love my wife. I love this woman, too. The way to love them both is to keep her secret and that way my wife won’t be hurt but she still gets my time. It’s not right, and quite blind to a number of complications… emotional and practical and ethical. But hey — that’s how they think. What are you going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you never gave us your back story. What happened to get you to this place?

Thank you for asking, it is 100% relevant but not something I would disclose to this group. Sorry.

This is an anonymous forum so you wouldn’t be disclosing anything… only providing “relevant” context to the strangers on here who you presumably are looking for advice from?

I am not prepared to address the responses it would generate, sorry. It is too private even for here.

How could the back story be any more private and response-inducing than OP’s original post and follow-up responses?

If she was a victim of trauma … hello like most women who make horrible decisions like this.

Mentally unstable. Victim of trauma or not. Most strippers, hookers and OW are victims of some type of past trauma.

Cheaters are all f—Ed in the head. No matter what side they are on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not understanding your question. It sounds like it’s already over - what would you be ending? I just can’t follow exactly what you are asking, including the part about the past…it’s unclear.

I know it sounds like that but we have been emotionally bonded for years in spite of that, he has been very clear about the ways he’s kept it alive and how I have kept him company etc, which weirdly I have been aware of even though we were not physically in touch. I can’t explain it but he has been holding his end of the rope all this time, and so have I. It is unusual for an affair. We were extremely emotionally close and connected even though no longer physical (not for lack of interest on his part, I could not keep going emotionally).

Maybe I missed it, but you said you no longer speak or meet, yet at the same time you're still "emotionally bonded?" In what way? Do you text each other or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

He didn’t think and more importantly, it wasn’t a concern for him.

Look around. Do men — or humans — mostly seem to concern themselves with how other people feel?

Often too men can have an idea of what love is to them and so long as they execute that they consider it love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

Perhaps some. Many, many more have no love it’s just an escape, side bang. If they can ghost and walk away with no contact you pretty much know which one you were. Most married women cheating are looking for that fantasy of love. They can’t fathom how it just isn’t the same for most men. You have to play the game to keep an easy thing going and who doesn’t like having their ego stoked and told how amazing they are? Real love isn’t banging a few times a month with very little contact, never meeting anyone of importance in their life, staying in the shadows. If it’s real love there would be no obstacles. They’d move heaven and earth to be with you. Not squeeze you in for a 30 min nooner 2 weeks from now.

Trust me, I agree totally that it takes some self deception and selfishness to do this. But I think many men kind of operate on a piecemeal basis. Have you ever sent a guy to do something? He will execute literal commands, anything to the side that is relevant that someone paying attention could figure out just may not happen. It sounds strange but I think many men think, ok, I am married and I love my wife. I love this woman, too. The way to love them both is to keep her secret and that way my wife won’t be hurt but she still gets my time. It’s not right, and quite blind to a number of complications… emotional and practical and ethical. But hey — that’s how they think. What are you going to do?

If you think the love for a spouse of 25 years who you met unencumbered in the peak of your attractiveness and gave birth to your children is the same for some woman you banged a few months, you are absolutely delusional. There is lust in a new sexual relationship which is not love. Not even close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not understanding your question. It sounds like it’s already over - what would you be ending? I just can’t follow exactly what you are asking, including the part about the past…it’s unclear.

I know it sounds like that but we have been emotionally bonded for years in spite of that, he has been very clear about the ways he’s kept it alive and how I have kept him company etc, which weirdly I have been aware of even though we were not physically in touch. I can’t explain it but he has been holding his end of the rope all this time, and so have I. It is unusual for an affair. We were extremely emotionally close and connected even though no longer physical (not for lack of interest on his part, I could not keep going emotionally).

Maybe I missed it, but you said you no longer speak or meet, yet at the same time you're still "emotionally bonded?" In what way? Do you text each other or something?

In her delusional head. In fantasyland.

[Anonymous]

AP told me awful things when he broke it off. We said “I love you”, but it was a game we both played. It ended very ugly. It was never true love. We didn’t even know the “real” person. I see this now, but like OP I was desperate to believe otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows men don't actually care for their OW.

Meh. Men compartmentalize. They can feel like they love someone but it doesn’t translate into the practical day to day arrangements that would make that person feel good, unless social norms dictate that they provide it and they will dutifully do so without thinking. The key part is without thinking. Men don’t think. They do. I guarantee OP’s guy didn’t think about how this would make her feel.

They love you as long as nobody they know or respects ever sees you?

Okay your definition of live is odd.

I’m not saying this is my definition. I’m saying I see many men live with these internal contradictions, by compartmentalizing.

You don’t know what compartmentalizing Means.

It doesn’t mean he loves 2 women. It means in 1 life he is a loving supportive husband and father. But he has a 2nd life he keeps in a “compartment “ where he is an a-hole, loser who bangs chicks he doesn’t love but leads them on and treats them like sh!t.

Nah, I think some men who cheat are emotionally invested. Just too out of touch to work it out properly in their head and understand that if you care about someone you cannot treat them like that. Falling in love with more than one person might happen, I don’t doubt it does in the course of a long marriage. How you handle that is a test of character.

Perhaps some. Many, many more have no love it’s just an escape, side bang. If they can ghost and walk away with no contact you pretty much know which one you were. Most married women cheating are looking for that fantasy of love. They can’t fathom how it just isn’t the same for most men. You have to play the game to keep an easy thing going and who doesn’t like having their ego stoked and told how amazing they are? Real love isn’t banging a few times a month with very little contact, never meeting anyone of importance in their life, staying in the shadows. If it’s real love there would be no obstacles. They’d move heaven and earth to be with you. Not squeeze you in for a 30 min nooner 2 weeks from now.

Trust me, I agree totally that it takes some self deception and selfishness to do this. But I think many men kind of operate on a piecemeal basis. Have you ever sent a guy to do something? He will execute literal commands, anything to the side that is relevant that someone paying attention could figure out just may not happen. It sounds strange but I think many men think, ok, I am married and I love my wife. I love this woman, too. The way to love them both is to keep her secret and that way my wife won’t be hurt but she still gets my time. It’s not right, and quite blind to a number of complications… emotional and practical and ethical. But hey — that’s how they think. What are you going to do?

If you think the love for a spouse of 25 years who you met unencumbered in the peak of your attractiveness and gave birth to your children is the same for some woman you banged a few months, you are absolutely delusional. There is lust in a new sexual relationship which is not love. Not even close.

I think that after 25 years you’re going to have a lot of water under the bridge. Your love is real and it is a history but that means it’s also been mixed up with anger and resentment and a bunch of other crap, not to mention the passion and romance is diluted by a bunch of humdrum stuff that is about as fun as watching paint dry. I don’t think most affairs are just about the sex. They are really about people recovering some feeling about themselves that is missing in their other life.