This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

+1000. Why not tell him Do Not Contact Me and/or block him everywhere. You are married with a new baby! It doesn’t make sense to have this guy who treated as a side piece have any place in your new, normal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

Obviously she wants to know whether he is still texting her, even if she does not answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

She likes the attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

I don't "allow" anything, I am responsible for my choices, not his. This is what that situation taught me. I don't need to block someone to understand what is and isn't good for me to respond to. It's called boundaries, folks. I have them now, he didn't and doesn't. That's on him. The continued push to blame women for men's behavior is tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

I don't "allow" anything, I am responsible for my choices, not his. This is what that situation taught me. I don't need to block someone to understand what is and isn't good for me to respond to. It's called boundaries, folks. I have them now, he didn't and doesn't. That's on him. The continued push to blame women for men's behavior is tiresome.

You like the attention. Period.

[Anonymous]

^ You don’t have boundaries, that’s the problem. You are leaving a door open into your life “just in case” and because you like the ego strokes. This isn’t people blaming you for a man’s behavior, it’s people recognizing you still have not done the work on yourself that allowed you to have an affair with a married man in the first place. You don’t sound like a safe partner at all.

[Anonymous]

You’re wrong, and it doesn’t brother me a bit. The thing about being confident and emotionally stable is that strangers on the Internet trying to talk you out of a place you took several years to get to doesn’t feel threatening. I understand how to make healthy choices now. The misogynistic bent of this board that blames women, wants to view them as attention seeking, and is unable to hold men accountable doesn’t surprise me. My point in contributing to this discussion is to let OP know that she can be in control of her life. Note that I’m one of the few people that spoke to her with any degree of compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.

+1

Incredibly shitty

[Anonymous]

You’re wrong, and it doesn’t brother me a bit. The thing about being confident and emotionally stable is that strangers on the Internet trying to talk you out of a place you took several years to get to doesn’t feel threatening. I understand how to make healthy choices now. The misogynistic bent of this board that blames women, wants to view them as attention seeking, and is unable to hold men accountable doesn’t surprise me. My point in contributing to this discussion is to let OP know that she can be in control of her life. Note that I’m one of the few people that spoke to her with any degree of compassion

NP. I’m a woman and don’t see any misogyny in tge posts responding to you. No one is absolving your cheater AP of blame for his continually terrible decisions and lack of character, they just aren’t addressing it because he did not post. People are addressing you because the facts you related demonstrate continued poor decision-making on your part, despite your claims that you have taken steps to become mentally healthy. It sounds like you have done some work, but most people who have truly self-reflected and recognized and regret a pattern of unhealthy behavior would want to excise someone from their life who was a part of that pattern. Your failure to block him suggests you are not as healthy as you think - it’s like an alcoholic who keeps a bottle of liquor on the counter because they don’t need it anymore so having it sit there is just fine. That works, until it doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

No, what works for some people doesn’t work for others. I don’t block anyone; I rarely engage on social media. I’m busy and focused on my own life. The occasional text that floats my way is no different than any other ex-boyfriend who reaches out, and most of us have had those as well. I don’t feel any pull to respond because I did that work. The number of people who need to argue that I haven’t, with no understanding of me or my life, is what I mean by mysoginy. Being comfortable with who you are means that when others people need to talk to you out of your own feelings, you just shrug. Which is what I’m doing here. It’s notable that this is a hijacking from OP‘s post, and needs to stop. I responded to her directly, and my message to her is the same. Lean into yourself and your own values and figure out what’s going on when your actions hurt yourself and others. That will always get you to a better place in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re wrong, and it doesn’t brother me a bit. The thing about being confident and emotionally stable is that strangers on the Internet trying to talk you out of a place you took several years to get to doesn’t feel threatening. I understand how to make healthy choices now. The misogynistic bent of this board that blames women, wants to view them as attention seeking, and is unable to hold men accountable doesn’t surprise me. My point in contributing to this discussion is to let OP know that she can be in control of her life. Note that I’m one of the few people that spoke to her with any degree of compassion.

Well put. You’re too nuanced and balanced for this board: see above the As A Woman, I Can Come After You, Nay, I Am Obliged To! response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re wrong, and it doesn’t brother me a bit. The thing about being confident and emotionally stable is that strangers on the Internet trying to talk you out of a place you took several years to get to doesn’t feel threatening. I understand how to make healthy choices now. The misogynistic bent of this board that blames women, wants to view them as attention seeking, and is unable to hold men accountable doesn’t surprise me. My point in contributing to this discussion is to let OP know that she can be in control of her life. Note that I’m one of the few people that spoke to her with any degree of compassion.

Well put. You’re too nuanced and balanced for this board: see above the As A Woman, I Can Come After You, Nay, I Am Obliged To! response.

Wut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You’re wrong, and it doesn’t brother me a bit. The thing about being confident and emotionally stable is that strangers on the Internet trying to talk you out of a place you took several years to get to doesn’t feel threatening. I understand how to make healthy choices now. The misogynistic bent of this board that blames women, wants to view them as attention seeking, and is unable to hold men accountable doesn’t surprise me. My point in contributing to this discussion is to let OP know that she can be in control of her life. Note that I’m one of the few people that spoke to her with any degree of compassion

NP. I’m a woman and don’t see any misogyny in tge posts responding to you. No one is absolving your cheater AP of blame for his continually terrible decisions and lack of character, they just aren’t addressing it because he did not post. People are addressing you because the facts you related demonstrate continued poor decision-making on your part, despite your claims that you have taken steps to become mentally healthy. It sounds like you have done some work, but most people who have truly self-reflected and recognized and regret a pattern of unhealthy behavior would want to excise someone from their life who was a part of that pattern. Your failure to block him suggests you are not as healthy as you think - it’s like an alcoholic who keeps a bottle of liquor on the counter because they don’t need it anymore so having it sit there is just fine. That works, until it doesn’t.

There are a great many alcoholics for whom it can work actually. What you can have is a former alcoholic who is now a “social drinker,” (like say if they remained “friends” or social contacts) which is not what the PP has done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, what works for some people doesn’t work for others. I don’t block anyone; I rarely engage on social media. I’m busy and focused on my own life. The occasional text that floats my way is no different than any other ex-boyfriend who reaches out, and most of us have had those as well. I don’t feel any pull to respond because I did that work. The number of people who need to argue that I haven’t, with no understanding of me or my life, is what I mean by mysoginy. Being comfortable with who you are means that when others people need to talk to you out of your own feelings, you just shrug. Which is what I’m doing here. It’s notable that this is a hijacking from OP‘s post, and needs to stop. I responded to her directly, and my message to her is the same. Lean into yourself and your own values and figure out what’s going on when your actions hurt yourself and others. That will always get you to a better place in life.

The thing to realize about DCUM is that it is not your peers, not your usual circle, not your reference points. It’s useful as a cross section of possible responses on an issue, but people are inevitably only responding to the one facet or dimension of any topic that was posted and yet respond with such conviction of an all-seeing god. They are blinded to their own limitations of perspective, but try telling them that and they will scream bloody murder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re wrong, and it doesn’t brother me a bit. The thing about being confident and emotionally stable is that strangers on the Internet trying to talk you out of a place you took several years to get to doesn’t feel threatening. I understand how to make healthy choices now. The misogynistic bent of this board that blames women, wants to view them as attention seeking, and is unable to hold men accountable doesn’t surprise me. My point in contributing to this discussion is to let OP know that she can be in control of her life. Note that I’m one of the few people that spoke to her with any degree of compassion

NP. I’m a woman and don’t see any misogyny in tge posts responding to you. No one is absolving your cheater AP of blame for his continually terrible decisions and lack of character, they just aren’t addressing it because he did not post. People are addressing you because the facts you related demonstrate continued poor decision-making on your part, despite your claims that you have taken steps to become mentally healthy. It sounds like you have done some work, but most people who have truly self-reflected and recognized and regret a pattern of unhealthy behavior would want to excise someone from their life who was a part of that pattern. Your failure to block him suggests you are not as healthy as you think - it’s like an alcoholic who keeps a bottle of liquor on the counter because they don’t need it anymore so having it sit there is just fine. That works, until it doesn’t.

There are a great many alcoholics for whom it can work actually. What you can have is a former alcoholic who is now a “social drinker,” (like say if they remained “friends” or social contacts) which is not what the PP has done.

^sorry, meant "CAN'T have."