I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant
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Anonymous
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My husband is a workaholic (which is its own problem yes) so I'm on my own with the kids a lot.
My inlaws see our 3 kids several times a year - probably 2-3x / yr for a week and then a handful of other weekends. They never go more than 2 months without seeing them for at least a couple days. They also saw each kid within days of their being born and were invited to stay for a week or so. My parents actually come visit a lot less than inlaws do and I'd estimate they actually spend equal or fewer days with my kids a year, but I am more proactive in making plans with them. I bring the kids to my parents house for 2 weeks or so in the summer, I make sure we spend the holiday with them when its their turn in the rotation, when the babies were born I welcomed my mom staying with me for a week or two My inlaws are so bitter about this and think I'm favoring my parents access to my kids over my theirs and its "unfair". What drives me insane about this is that it entirely ignores me as a person verus "manager of the kids". I - as an individual person who is tied to my kids as their caretaker - want to see my parents! I want to go to the town I grew up in and spend time there. I want to do the holiday traditions with my mom I grew up with. I want my mom supporting me as a baby. None of this is some sneaky "i want my kids to be closer to my parents and not to my inlaws". I'm allowed to have ways I enjoy spending my time and do those! They'd have a valid complaint if they weren't getting much time with the grandkids, but they're getting plenty of access. I wouldn't even blame them for being a bit bummed about it that yeah, sorry often times the DHs mom isn't as welcomed in immediately after birth as DWs, but the taking offense by it like I'm somehow being unfair or am not allowed to exist as a person with my own preferences and needs really bugs me. DH says "you'll understand someday too" since we only have boys. But I just don't agree. Will I be a bit sad if I'm asked to wait a month to meet my first grandkid while my DILs mom gets welcomed the moment they're born? Sure of course, but I'll also understand that DILs mom's role isn't just to "get to hold baby first" - its to take care of her daughter when she's leaking, bleeding, weeping, etc in a way that I just can't. And its not unfair or mean of the couple to ask me to wait. And if DIL is making plans with her parents a lot and the family never comes visit me, assuming there's not a reason for them not to visit me (which I'd try to correct if so!) i'd view that as a thing for me to work on with my son and asking him to be a little more proactive with making time for it versus treating DIL like the manager of the grandchildren who is not aloud to spend her time how she wants. My inlaws are constantly looking for ways to be put out and beancounting (they were upset we saw my parents over covid and not them - but we could drive to my parents in 8 and and it'd take 30 to get to them!! that reality is entirely ignored) instead of just looking at all the opportunity they have for a great relationship with the grandkids. Rant over |
Anonymous
| Stop telling them every time you see your parents. Problem solved. |
Anonymous
+1 How do the ILs know such details in the first place? |
Anonymous
Little kids facetime with them and share and / or they'll facetime with DH and ask where everyone is. In some ways it's worse we don't just flat out tell them b/c I think they're suspicious its happening way more than it actually is. I really do think my inlaws see my kids at least as much as my parents, though we go to my parents more (because they're not interested in doing short trips to us and just come visit one week or so a year). My parents have taken one of my kids at a time for a visit and I have not allowed my inlaws to do that which also drives them crazy. But my mom is a former teacher who is great at managing kids behavior, my inlaws let the kids run all over them and are terrified of what to do if the kid cries or says they don't want to do something. They regularly accidentally fall asleep while watching TV with my kids and they have an unsecured pool so there's just no chance my kids can safely visit them on their own until they're older. If they asked why, I'd tell them, but instead they don't ask and are just mad at me for being "unfair" I do try to keep these 1:1 visits off their radar but I don't ask my kids to lie about them. |
Anonymous
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What exactly are they upset about and what is your husband expecting you to understand when your kids are older? Aside from the time right after the birth (which is 10000000 percent legit for you to insist upon but also for them to feel disappointed about however it’s seems pretty limited in how often it happens) I can’t understand what they are complaining about. That they have to call you to set up the visits? They want to come even more? I believe you they are frustrated but it is possible they are just complainers in general.
And next time your husband tells you you will understand when your kids are older tell him straight out that you are raising your sons to not be workaholics and you don’t expect to have this problem. it’s pathetic you have to coordinate with your in-laws because he won’t and he should be grateful that you do it (I do some because my kids like my in laws but I definitely don’t do it all, and there is no reason he can’t fulfill whatever desires your in-laws have if he chooses to) |
Anonymous
| Let your DH deal with his parents' bitterness. I would not engage with them if they start to complain to you. |
Anonymous
| Ok so I understand them being disappointed about the 1:1 visits but what does that have to do with your future as a mother of sons? Your husband’s comment is the worst of all of this. My in-laws are disappointed they can’t do more with our kids because of their health. They have at times taken this out in me as me being unreasonable but I feel a lot of sympathy so it pretty much rolls off my back. They have accepted it now and realize that they can’t be responsible for kids for any extended period of time. And now that my oldest is 8 I am ok with them being 1:1 with her for some time since she’s pretty self reliant. These things change over time |
Anonymous
I don't really get it either - they make constant comments about how they'll just have to accept my kids will be close to my parents while they'll have to "watch them grow up from afar" and in that they had to wait so long to meet the babies unlike my mother (its never been more than 2 days and in one case it was 3 hours difference) and that the kids are growing up with my parents as a regular part of their lives and they just look at the kids in pictures. None of it is true or backed by any data at all. Its all based on the fact that I proactively will choose to go see my parents because I want to see them / be in my home town where as I don't take the kids to visit them as much (but still do at least once a year). But they're active and travel a ton and are never blocked from visiting us so it doesn't actually result in a different relationship with the kids, they just think its unfair that I don't bring the kids to them as much as I bring them to my parents (DH often doesn't join to my parents house) |
Anonymous
its almost all passive aggressive comments to my kids (which is probably why it gets to me so much). things like saying to my 5 year old "dont you want to come visit your papa and granny? we just need to tell your mommy to bring you to our house too like she brought you to grandma and grandpas!" with me in the room |
Anonymous
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My dh isn't even a workaholic and he's just not interested in facetiming or visiting them more. He's very introverted and likes his weekends to relax with kids or work on home projects.
I definitely feel blame because I'm an extrovert and love to travel, take the kids to events and such. My parents are always welcome to come and they come often. |
Anonymous
| Your husband is right. Assuming they are straight, when your boys grow up and marry and have kids of their own the women in their lives are highly likely to spend more time with and devote more energy to her side of the family and you are going to be sad. You might want to consider modeling yourself better for your boys so when they grow up they don’t neglect you. |
Anonymous
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its almost all passive aggressive comments to my kids (which is probably why it gets to me so much). things like saying to my 5 year old "dont you want to come visit your papa and granny? we just need to tell your mommy to bring you to our house too like she brought you to grandma and grandpas!" with me in the room
Why isn’t your DH shutting down this kind of talk? And if he won’t, I would do it myself and be less nice about it. They shouldn’t be guilt-tripping your young children. If they continue to do so, I would stop face-timing them entirely or end the the calls right then and there and tell them why. |
Anonymous
Then its a problem I didn't raise my boys to want or maintain a relationship with their extended family. It doesn't transfer to a DIL problem who must allocate her time to ensure "fairness" to the grandparents ignoring how she wants to spend her time. Its a DIL problem if they block access for an unreasonable reason, its a DS problem if he doesn't care about facilitating a relationship |
Anonymous
. Oh my god. That would piss me off. In the moment, when your kids can hear, say I know the kids love visiting you! Why do you talk to (DH’s name) about when he can bring them? |
Anonymous
| I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way. |