I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Not OP but no to all of this. The mom gets to decide. I personally didn’t need “a village.” I wanted my mom and that’s all I needed for the first few weeks. We certainly told the in laws when I went in labor, but they weren’t invited to the hospital and waited until I invited them over to meet the baby around week 3 or 4. And that’s ok! And when my sons have kids, I certainly wouldn’t expect my future DILs to invite me at the birth, I’ll wait until she is ready and be willing to assist as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.

That's the point... she expects her in-laws to visit them, while she takes her kids to visit her parents. They are expressing frustration that they never get to host the kids. But I do agree that passive aggressive comments to the kids is not the smart way to address that.

Why can't her husband take the kids to see his parents? Why is it on her?

Because he's working his a$$ off to support her staying home with three kids. OP has no trouble spending the money of course.

He’s a workaholic, her words. He is working because he enjoys it and with a personality like that he would be doing so even if single.

[Anonymous]

“I like spending time with my parents, and the kids come with me. If you want to see the kids more, pick up the phone and ask the son you raised to schedule time with you.”

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP to an extent.
I did NOT want my in-laws at the birth of our child.... You do live closer than my family so they were able to visit before mine were able to, which I was fine with. We gave some parameters because I did not want a village in my house..... once we got home a few days later they brought lunch and then left before dinner.

My mom visited when the baby was her bottom and pulled and stayed for about a week. I am very independent in more than capable of handling babies so I did not want someone offering over me 24/7.
I tried to nurture the relationship my children have with both sorts of grandparents but it is my husband's responsibility to go over and above what we already do if he wants them to have more access. If he wants to take them to visit without me, he knows he's always welcome to do so but he never does.
I on the other hand take them off to visit my side of the family without him if he does not want to take off work.
If his mom had a problem with it I guess I would say to take it up with her son. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

My mom visited when the baby was about a month old and stayed for about a week. I am very independent in more than capable of handling babies so I did not want someone hovering over me 24/7.
I tried to nurture the relationship my children have with both sorts of grandparents but it is my husband's responsibility to go over and above what we already do if he wants them to have more access. If he wants to take them to visit without me, he knows he's always welcome to do so but he never does.
I on the other hand take them off to visit my side of the family without him if he does not want to take off work.
If his mom had a problem with it I guess I would say to take it up with her son. 🤷‍♀️


Corrected

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Not OP but no to all of this. The mom gets to decide. I personally didn’t need “a village.” I wanted my mom and that’s all I needed for the first few weeks. We certainly told the in laws when I went in labor, but they weren’t invited to the hospital and waited until I invited them over to meet the baby around week 3 or 4. And that’s ok! And when my sons have kids, I certainly wouldn’t expect my future DILs to invite me at the birth, I’ll wait until she is ready and be willing to assist as needed.

Exactly. My MIL, who raised three of her own babies, was perfectly happy to visit at the hospital and later at our home and leave the care of my twins and me to my mother. That's what worked for everyone and there were no hard feelings. When my SIL had her babies, she wanted MIL there not her husband's mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Agree that no one should have to wait a month to meet a grand baby. Even if you don't want them staying at first, a month is not reasonable.

Many people wait much longer than a month to see their grandchild, and somehow they survive.

Let's not hijack the thread with this topic. OP isn't talking about the initial baby visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Agree that no one should have to wait a month to meet a grand baby. Even if you don't want them staying at first, a month is not reasonable.

Many people wait much longer than a month to see their grandchild, and somehow they survive.

Let's not hijack the thread with this topic. OP isn't talking about the initial baby visit.

I think the husband is a workaholic because he doesn't want to or can't deal with all of this. You won't solve the in law problem until you solve the husband problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop telling them every time you see your parents. Problem solved.

+1

How do the ILs know such details in the first place?

Little kids facetime with them and share and / or they'll facetime with DH and ask where everyone is. In some ways it's worse we don't just flat out tell them b/c I think they're suspicious its happening way more than it actually is. I really do think my inlaws see my kids at least as much as my parents, though we go to my parents more (because they're not interested in doing short trips to us and just come visit one week or so a year).

My parents have taken one of my kids at a time for a visit and I have not allowed my inlaws to do that which also drives them crazy. But my mom is a former teacher who is great at managing kids behavior, my inlaws let the kids run all over them and are terrified of what to do if the kid cries or says they don't want to do something. They regularly accidentally fall asleep while watching TV with my kids and they have an unsecured pool so there's just no chance my kids can safely visit them on their own until they're older. If they asked why, I'd tell them, but instead they don't ask and are just mad at me for being "unfair"

I do try to keep these 1:1 visits off their radar but I don't ask my kids to lie about them.

I know this is hard, but I would dial back communication with them a lot more than you do. I'd leave it up to DH to manage. He can tell them where you are etc, but if you don't hear the comments it will help immensly.

My MIL was like this at the beginning too. And whenever I tried to give her the "same" thing I'd offer my mom, she would complain. Basically she didn't want my mom to help us with things like staying with the baby on day 2 after the fever has cleared, but she ALSO DID NOT WANT to help us. So I just stopped sharing with her, really much of anything. It was so petty and annoying it changed the way I felt about her. I let my DH take the lead, and absorb, all her crazy. He quickly dialed it back too.

I have always been supportive of a loving grandparent in my kid's lives. Which she is. But she is also completely unwilling to do anything mildly uncomfortable for HER. Which is fine, but that will effect your relationships. I stopped contorting myself into knots to help her feel better and just lived my life.

I would not accept Facetime calls while you are with your parents. Tell her why. "We are visiting right now and can't talk". I'd probably stop facetiming her altogether EVER. She can call your workaholic DH and facetime him at the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Agree that no one should have to wait a month to meet a grand baby. Even if you don't want them staying at first, a month is not reasonable.

Many people wait much longer than a month to see their grandchild, and somehow they survive.

Let's not hijack the thread with this topic. OP isn't talking about the initial baby visit.

I think the husband is a workaholic because he doesn't want to or can't deal with all of this. You won't solve the in law problem until you solve the husband problem.

It’s not OP’s “problem” to “solve.” If DH wants to see the parents and take his kids, or make arrangements for his parents to visit when he can actively host, he can do so. It’s a problem for OP’s ILs, not for OP. If they want to solve it, they can pick up the phone and call the son they raised.

[Anonymous]

At one point I actually tallied up the hours we spent with each side of the family to send to my MIL.

I never sent it, but damn did it make me feel good because I knew I was right.

Take note future petty MILs: this is NOT how to do it. Over the years this behavior wears, and you will become less and less welcome.

[Anonymous]

My parents have absolutely no interest in spending time with their grandson or any of their other grandchildren. Be grateful that your in-laws actually want a relationship with their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have absolutely no interest in spending time with their grandson or any of their other grandchildren. Be grateful that your in-laws actually want a relationship with their grandchildren.

That is a good thing. And they should work with their son to develop that relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Agree that no one should have to wait a month to meet a grand baby. Even if you don't want them staying at first, a month is not reasonable.

Many people wait much longer than a month to see their grandchild, and somehow they survive.

Let's not hijack the thread with this topic. OP isn't talking about the initial baby visit.

I think the husband is a workaholic because he doesn't want to or can't deal with all of this. You won't solve the in law problem until you solve the husband problem.

It’s not OP’s “problem” to “solve.” If DH wants to see the parents and take his kids, or make arrangements for his parents to visit when he can actively host, he can do so. It’s a problem for OP’s ILs, not for OP. If they want to solve it, they can pick up the phone and call the son they raised.

OP does have a problem if this issue causes her to come here to rant. She's not dealing with this problem very well, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Agree that no one should have to wait a month to meet a grand baby. Even if you don't want them staying at first, a month is not reasonable.

Many people wait much longer than a month to see their grandchild, and somehow they survive.

Let's not hijack the thread with this topic. OP isn't talking about the initial baby visit.

I think the husband is a workaholic because he doesn't want to or can't deal with all of this. You won't solve the in law problem until you solve the husband problem.

It’s not OP’s “problem” to “solve.” If DH wants to see the parents and take his kids, or make arrangements for his parents to visit when he can actively host, he can do so. It’s a problem for OP’s ILs, not for OP. If they want to solve it, they can pick up the phone and call the son they raised.

OP does have a problem if this issue causes her to come here to rant. She's not dealing with this problem very well, apparently.

…that’s why she labeled it as a “rant,” Love. See how that works? Someone ELSE called it a problem, and that’s why I used quotation marks when responding to that other person. I hope you are all caught up now.