I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post could have been written by my SIL. She is a SAHM and spends tons of time with her own parents with the kids but isn’t proactive about seeing my parents ever. My brother works long hours and travels for work, and SIL makes the schedules for the kids and determines how they spend their time. OP’s in laws shouldn’t always be the ones who have to travel to see their grandkids. She should prioritize her kids seeing both sets of grandparents because nurturing relationships with both sides is important for her kids. OP sounds pretty selfish, honestly.

No. Your family sounds nuts.

A SAHM is not a 24 hour job. Does your brother work 24 hours? No, he does not.

Traveling and staying over at in laws is work, not vacation.

There is a comfort in staying over at your parents that is absent when you stay over at in laws. There are things that OP can easily request or even demand from her parents to make her stay comfortable that she cannot ask of her in-laws.

Your brother is not too busy to take his kids to his family. Having a stay at home wife does not mean he gets to abandon his love to spend time with his family. Your parents should have raised a son who cared more about them.

You need to be honest with this. The wife will then complain husband is not spending enough time with just them at home since he is gone all day at work and the ILs are stealing her time.

If, and that's big 'if', this were to happen, it would be an issue between the OP and her DH rather than a triangulated issue between the ILs, OP and her DH. The overarching problem is people blaming women for failures of men. It's especially insidious when women do it to women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post could have been written by my SIL. She is a SAHM and spends tons of time with her own parents with the kids but isn’t proactive about seeing my parents ever. My brother works long hours and travels for work, and SIL makes the schedules for the kids and determines how they spend their time. OP’s in laws shouldn’t always be the ones who have to travel to see their grandkids. She should prioritize her kids seeing both sets of grandparents because nurturing relationships with both sides is important for her kids. OP sounds pretty selfish, honestly.

No. Your family sounds nuts.

A SAHM is not a 24 hour job. Does your brother work 24 hours? No, he does not.

Traveling and staying over at in laws is work, not vacation.

There is a comfort in staying over at your parents that is absent when you stay over at in laws. There are things that OP can easily request or even demand from her parents to make her stay comfortable that she cannot ask of her in-laws.

Your brother is not too busy to take his kids to his family. Having a stay at home wife does not mean he gets to abandon his love to spend time with his family. Your parents should have raised a son who cared more about them.

You need to be honest with this. The wife will then complain husband is not spending enough time with just them at home since he is gone all day at work and the ILs are stealing her time.

BS.

She will be happy to have some alone time. He sounds like a child, so it would be some nice relaxing time for her.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I used to send cards and pictures to the in-laws all the time a few times a month until mother-in-law started Complaining that they never saw the The pictures weren't enough . ......even though I would pester DH to invite them down or set up visits for us to go. I encouraged him relentlessly to set up times to go up and visit with just him or the kids, but he refused to ever go without me..... I work full time and then fill in as needed on a part-time basis. There is no way I am signing up for one weekend a month to visit them. Especially now that the kids are in sports and have activities on the weekends with friends.
Too bad Mother-in-law started complaining what I was already doing was not enough ....so I stopped sending cards and said you can ask your son to do that from now on. She apologized but I dropped the rope on that. So if she wants pictures printed out and sent she can talk to her son. I will include them in Christmas cards or gifts but I'm not going out of my way anymore.

I'm 100% for managing your family of origin and fostering and developing the relationship you want your kids to have with them. I will never prevent my husband from seeing his family but I can't pour him to do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're being evasive here and choosing words carefully like "in-laws visit less" meaning you travel to your parents much more often. And the time spent around births is irrelevant to what's happening today. Face it, you put much more emphasis on seeing your parents and making it happen whereas the burden on getting together is on your in-laws and at their expense.

Also, your in-laws probably wouldn't visit you without the kids. Of course you're a conduit. Would you bother to have much of a relationship with them if you weren't married to their son? This relationship is about the kids. You're likely not that interesting to them otherwise, the same way you wouldn't seek them out if you weren't connected by marriage.

+1 The rant became more layered as OP continued to post.

I’m gathering OP is a SAHM. As a long time SAHM myself you know you are able to do what you do because he does what he does - and what he does takes the bulk of his waking hours. You and the kids are a little unit and you are the most direct conduit to them, and that’s likely a choice you and your DH made for your family. If that is the case, you stay home because your DH values your role as a full time parent to your kids, you craft their days, schedule their activities, plan their trips. It’s a little disingenuous to then throw up your hands when it comes to his parents. Assuming you love your husband you need to help him a little bit here. IMO it’s part of the juggling we assume as the SAHP. Otherwise we can go to work too and then it can be every in-law for themselves when it comes to scheduling our limited vacation time. Your world would look very, very different.

To be clear, I’m not advocating the working parent assumes no responsibility for managing the relationship with their parents, but if OP is traveling multiple weeks a year - b/c her DH works to make that happen for her - the least she could do is throw him a bone and suck up a visit with his parents.

I just threw up a little in my mouth. You sound like a pastoral counselor.

The PP is not wrong here just because you don't want to schedule time with your kids with the ILs.

His family, his responsibility regardless of who works outside the home unless the spouses have come to a different arrangement. Which, according to OP, the have not.

Just because others perpetuate outdated gender roles doesn't mean it's right.

This includes being a SAHM who throws a tantrum about scheduling/spending time with the dreaded ILs, no? THAT Stereotype is so overdone these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're being evasive here and choosing words carefully like "in-laws visit less" meaning you travel to your parents much more often. And the time spent around births is irrelevant to what's happening today. Face it, you put much more emphasis on seeing your parents and making it happen whereas the burden on getting together is on your in-laws and at their expense.

Also, your in-laws probably wouldn't visit you without the kids. Of course you're a conduit. Would you bother to have much of a relationship with them if you weren't married to their son? This relationship is about the kids. You're likely not that interesting to them otherwise, the same way you wouldn't seek them out if you weren't connected by marriage.

+1 The rant became more layered as OP continued to post.

I’m gathering OP is a SAHM. As a long time SAHM myself you know you are able to do what you do because he does what he does - and what he does takes the bulk of his waking hours. You and the kids are a little unit and you are the most direct conduit to them, and that’s likely a choice you and your DH made for your family. If that is the case, you stay home because your DH values your role as a full time parent to your kids, you craft their days, schedule their activities, plan their trips. It’s a little disingenuous to then throw up your hands when it comes to his parents. Assuming you love your husband you need to help him a little bit here. IMO it’s part of the juggling we assume as the SAHP. Otherwise we can go to work too and then it can be every in-law for themselves when it comes to scheduling our limited vacation time. Your world would look very, very different.

To be clear, I’m not advocating the working parent assumes no responsibility for managing the relationship with their parents, but if OP is traveling multiple weeks a year - b/c her DH works to make that happen for her - the least she could do is throw him a bone and suck up a visit with his parents.

I just threw up a little in my mouth. You sound like a pastoral counselor.

The PP is not wrong here just because you don't want to schedule time with your kids with the ILs.

His family, his responsibility regardless of who works outside the home unless the spouses have come to a different arrangement. Which, according to OP, the have not.

Just because others perpetuate outdated gender roles doesn't mean it's right.

This includes being a SAHM who throws a tantrum about scheduling/spending time with the dreaded ILs, no? THAT Stereotype is so overdone these days.

I have no idea what you're trying to say.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it is just my friend group but I honestly don't know a single woman who has once ever bulked about her husband visiting his family too often. If anything, we often complain that our husbands refuse to ever visit their family without us, which can be claustrophobic and makes us feel guilty when we don't want to.
I have asked my husband numerous times to visit his family or meet them halfway, They are about 2 hours away. But he says nope. I'll wait for a time when you can go....... Which is every few months... I on the other hand prioritize and visit my family without DH.... He is invited but if he doesn't want to go or can't, I have no problem visiting on my own with the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post could have been written by my SIL. She is a SAHM and spends tons of time with her own parents with the kids but isn’t proactive about seeing my parents ever. My brother works long hours and travels for work, and SIL makes the schedules for the kids and determines how they spend their time. OP’s in laws shouldn’t always be the ones who have to travel to see their grandkids. She should prioritize her kids seeing both sets of grandparents because nurturing relationships with both sides is important for her kids. OP sounds pretty selfish, honestly.

No. Your family sounds nuts.

A SAHM is not a 24 hour job. Does your brother work 24 hours? No, he does not.

Traveling and staying over at in laws is work, not vacation.

There is a comfort in staying over at your parents that is absent when you stay over at in laws. There are things that OP can easily request or even demand from her parents to make her stay comfortable that she cannot ask of her in-laws.

Your brother is not too busy to take his kids to his family. Having a stay at home wife does not mean he gets to abandon his love to spend time with his family. Your parents should have raised a son who cared more about them.

You need to be honest with this. The wife will then complain husband is not spending enough time with just them at home since he is gone all day at work and the ILs are stealing her time.

This is absolutely not true. My husband works a ton and I do the vast majority of the running our household as well as the kids scheduling (I work which I do NOT think is relevant but apparently some people do). What I do not do is play along with a narrative that my husband’s work is more important than his relationships. My in-laws want to see him too, not just the kids. I can’t be their son. Most of my friends in similar positions feel the same. If he expected me to do his duty of managing his parents instead of respecting and prioritizing them I would think a lot less of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let your DH deal with his parents' bitterness. I would not engage with them if they start to complain to you.

its almost all passive aggressive comments to my kids (which is probably why it gets to me so much). things like saying to my 5 year old "dont you want to come visit your papa and granny? we just need to tell your mommy to bring you to our house too like she brought you to grandma and grandpas!" with me in the room

. Oh my god. That would piss me off. In the moment, when your kids can hear, say I know the kids love visiting you! Why do you talk to (DH’s name) about when he can bring them?

+1000

Exactly, OP. It’s more comfortable for her to make it your problem then confront the fact that her son is too busy for her.

And make sure you let him know you’re no longer going to take the blame for him. It’s easiest for her to see this as a YOU problem. He’s passively letting you deal with her because he knows she’s a PITA scorekeeper.

[Anonymous]

DH used to always tell his mom I need to ask Jane..... Then he would never ask me and just tell her it didn't work out for him to come visit. I grew wise to this, when I over heard a conversation and said oh you're going to go visit your parents.... And he said...no, I don't feel like driving up there next weekend. I asked why you didn't just tell your mom that then and he said it's easier this way. 😳
I said if you ever use me as escape good again. You will find out the rath of a woman looks like.
I am still pissed and he knows it. So he has made a bit more of an effort to take the kids up even if I am busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're being evasive here and choosing words carefully like "in-laws visit less" meaning you travel to your parents much more often. And the time spent around births is irrelevant to what's happening today. Face it, you put much more emphasis on seeing your parents and making it happen whereas the burden on getting together is on your in-laws and at their expense.

Also, your in-laws probably wouldn't visit you without the kids. Of course you're a conduit. Would you bother to have much of a relationship with them if you weren't married to their son? This relationship is about the kids. You're likely not that interesting to them otherwise, the same way you wouldn't seek them out if you weren't connected by marriage.

+1 The rant became more layered as OP continued to post.

I’m gathering OP is a SAHM. As a long time SAHM myself you know you are able to do what you do because he does what he does - and what he does takes the bulk of his waking hours. You and the kids are a little unit and you are the most direct conduit to them, and that’s likely a choice you and your DH made for your family. If that is the case, you stay home because your DH values your role as a full time parent to your kids, you craft their days, schedule their activities, plan their trips. It’s a little disingenuous to then throw up your hands when it comes to his parents. Assuming you love your husband you need to help him a little bit here. IMO it’s part of the juggling we assume as the SAHP. Otherwise we can go to work too and then it can be every in-law for themselves when it comes to scheduling our limited vacation time. Your world would look very, very different.

To be clear, I’m not advocating the working parent assumes no responsibility for managing the relationship with their parents, but if OP is traveling multiple weeks a year - b/c her DH works to make that happen for her - the least she could do is throw him a bone and suck up a visit with his parents.

I just threw up a little in my mouth. You sound like a pastoral counselor.

The PP is not wrong here just because you don't want to schedule time with your kids with the ILs.

His family, his responsibility regardless of who works outside the home unless the spouses have come to a different arrangement. Which, according to OP, the have not.

Just because others perpetuate outdated gender roles doesn't mean it's right.

This includes being a SAHM who throws a tantrum about scheduling/spending time with the dreaded ILs, no? THAT Stereotype is so overdone these days.

NP. Being a SAHP means your full-time job is to manage your house and your kids. Period. The SAHP and the WOHP both have a full-time job.

ON TOP OF THAT, there is the care and keeping and logistics of families of origin. Given that SAHP and WOHP each have a full-time job, dividing up that emotional labor to wife managers her family and husband manages his is more than reasonable.

Don’t like the frequency of visits or phone calls? Pick up the phone and ASK THE SON YOU RAISED to make plans with you. It is that simple.