I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the actual amount of time between sets of grandparents is pretty even, your DH needs to tell his parents "Mom and Dad, you clearly have a problem with the amount of time we see you vs. DW's parents. Fwiw, each set of grands sees the kids about the same amount of time throughout a year. I do not appreciate your bean counting comments and complaints about how we spend our time. If they don't stop, we will see you a lot less." I would not even address the petty stuff like OPs mom meeting a baby 3 hours sooner than MIL. And if she brings it up, I would shut it down immediately and refuse to discuss something so foolish.

This. And your husband should probably take the kids to visit his parents sometimes, too.

I would be so irritated, too, OP, by the passive aggressive comments.

Agreed. This is the typical issue where - it’s a husband problem. If he can’t prioritize the visit with his family, then it’s on him. Just cheerily tell them that DH will be coordinating dates/logistics.

[Anonymous]

Remind the in laws that a 30 hour drive to them is next to impossible with young children. Do they actually expect you to make his drive ALONE? Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Continue as you have been doing. Except learn to completely ignore the complaints. That is your only problem here. If someone complains, say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Then change the subject. But let go of any guilt.

You know they have relatively equal access. That is all you can do.

This will all change very soon too. As your kids get older, they’ll have more activities and they won’t have all that time to go visit.

[Anonymous]

I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.

That's the point... she expects her in-laws to visit them, while she takes her kids to visit her parents. They are expressing frustration that they never get to host the kids. But I do agree that passive aggressive comments to the kids is not the smart way to address that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Agree that no one should have to wait a month to meet a grand baby. Even if you don't want them staying at first, a month is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a spreadsheet listing how many days you spent with each set of grandparents and share it widely

Seriously?!?!

I live spreadsheets, but have enough people skills to know that this will invite TONS of problems. Most people are emotional thinkers, not rational. Spreadsheets don't work with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Disagree. Postpartum isn't easy for new moms. I would not want my MIL living with me. That's just the way it is. She can of course see the baby, but MIL isn't staying with us. No way. I gave birth, I want my own mom only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.

+1. I don't cater to ungrateful people.

Yeah, I do sometimes want to say "sorry your son doesn't care about seeing you or your kids having a relationship with you. that's a you / dh problem, not a me problem". It is definitely the way they raised him, once I was an adult my mom sat me down and was like "our relationship is now a two way street, if you want us to be close and there for each other you need to put into the relationship too". DHs parents never stopped treating their relationship as one way and catering to him like a child while having no expectation of being cared for back.

There will be an expectation of being cared for once they are elderly and frail. Is he an only child?

he is. i'm staying out of that for now. i do not think he'll rise to the occasion in a major way. i would never let them fall into a bad situation if for example one had passed and the other had dementia and needed help figuring out a living situation, but i'm also not looking to be the primary coordinator of their care. They have plenty of money to hire all variety of help so there's fortunately no situation where they'd have to move in with us and then all the care taking could be dumped on me

You will be, unfortunately. DHs like yours fold like cards when their parents have a complicated crisis. Glad they at least have money.

NP. Um, no. That's a choice, one that you made apparently. OP has no obligation to become an elderly care coordinator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.

That's the point... she expects her in-laws to visit them, while she takes her kids to visit her parents. They are expressing frustration that they never get to host the kids. But I do agree that passive aggressive comments to the kids is not the smart way to address that.

Why can't her husband take the kids to see his parents? Why is it on her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely see how this is annoying, but I'm not with you on the waiting a month to see a newborn first grandchild. They should be told of the impending birth when labor starts, just like your mom. Then they can get there as quickly as possible with a little help for logistics from your husband and meet the baby at the first feasible opportunity. Denying them access while your mother stays and helps 24-7 is just cruel.

Plus, you just never know what help you will need. I had a very colicky baby, and even though my mom and mil are both bat-sh*t crazy, they we both there with me, taking 15 minute shifts walking around with a screaming baby all night.

To those new moms, it takes a village.

Agree that no one should have to wait a month to meet a grand baby. Even if you don't want them staying at first, a month is not reasonable.

Many people wait much longer than a month to see their grandchild, and somehow they survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.

That's the point... she expects her in-laws to visit them, while she takes her kids to visit her parents. They are expressing frustration that they never get to host the kids. But I do agree that passive aggressive comments to the kids is not the smart way to address that.

Why can't her husband take the kids to see his parents? Why is it on her?

Because he's working his a$$ off to support her staying home with three kids. OP has no trouble spending the money of course.

[Anonymous]

I think you're being evasive here and choosing words carefully like "in-laws visit less" meaning you travel to your parents much more often. And the time spent around births is irrelevant to what's happening today. Face it, you put much more emphasis on seeing your parents and making it happen whereas the burden on getting together is on your in-laws and at their expense.

Also, your in-laws probably wouldn't visit you without the kids. Of course you're a conduit. Would you bother to have much of a relationship with them if you weren't married to their son? This relationship is about the kids. You're likely not that interesting to them otherwise, the same way you wouldn't seek them out if you weren't connected by marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind the in laws that a 30 hour drive to them is next to impossible with young children. Do they actually expect you to make his drive ALONE? Ridiculous.

See, there's these things called airplanes that most people use to travel cross country. Nobody drives 30 hours to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re all nuts. You sound enmeshed with your parents (maybe because your husband is a workaholic), your in-laws sound nosy and judgmental, and your kids sound very young if they have all this time in the fall to visit family and aren’t busy with school and sports. I’d work on teaching your kids to not give every detail, ie, we went to the pumpkin patch vs. we went to the pumpkin patch with grandma. That’s a life skill.

NP. OP, I don’t think you sound enmeshed to your parents at all. Some of us are close with our parents, it doesn’t mean we are enmeshed.