Reply to I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids

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[quote=Anonymous]My husband is a workaholic (which is its own problem yes) so I'm on my own with the kids a lot.

My inlaws see our 3 kids several times a year - probably 2-3x / yr for a week and then a handful of other weekends.  They never go more than 2 months without seeing them for at least a couple days.  They also saw each kid within days of their being born and were invited to stay for a week or so.

My parents actually come visit a lot less than inlaws do and I'd estimate they actually spend equal or fewer days with my kids a year, but I am more proactive in making plans with them.  I bring the kids to my parents house for 2 weeks or so in the summer, I make sure we spend the holiday with them when its their turn in the rotation, when the babies were born I welcomed my mom staying with me for a week or two

My inlaws are so bitter about this and think I'm favoring my parents access to my kids over my theirs and its "unfair".  What drives me insane about this is that it entirely ignores me as a person verus "manager of the kids".   I - as an individual person who is tied to my kids as their caretaker - want to see my parents!  I want to go to the town I grew up in and spend time there.  I want to do the holiday traditions with my mom I grew up with.  I want my mom supporting me as a baby.  None of this is some sneaky "i want my kids to be closer to my parents and not to my inlaws".  I'm allowed to have ways I enjoy spending my time and do those!

They'd have a valid complaint if they weren't getting much time with the grandkids, but they're getting plenty of access.  I wouldn't even blame them for being a bit bummed about it that yeah, sorry often times the DHs mom isn't as welcomed in immediately after birth as DWs, but the taking offense by it like I'm somehow being unfair or am not allowed to exist as a person with my own preferences and needs really bugs me.

DH says "you'll understand someday too" since we only have boys.  But I just don't agree.  Will I be a bit sad if I'm asked to wait a month to meet my first grandkid while my DILs mom gets welcomed the moment they're born?  Sure of course, but I'll also understand that DILs mom's role isn't just to "get to hold baby first" - its to take care of her daughter when she's leaking, bleeding, weeping, etc in a way that I just can't.  And its not unfair or mean of the couple to ask me to wait.  And if DIL is making plans with her parents a lot and the family never comes visit me, assuming there's not a reason for them not to visit me (which I'd try to correct if so!) i'd view that as a thing for me to work on with my son and asking him to be a little more proactive with making time for it versus treating DIL like the manager of the grandchildren who is not aloud to spend her time how she wants.  My inlaws are constantly looking for ways to be put out and beancounting (they were upset we saw my parents over covid and not them - but we could drive to my parents in 8 and and it'd take 30 to get to them!! that reality is entirely ignored) instead of just looking at all the opportunity they have for a great relationship with the grandkids.

Rant over[/quote]

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