I am an independent person, not just a conduit to my kids - rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right. Assuming they are straight, when your boys grow up and marry and have kids of their own the women in their lives are highly likely to spend more time with and devote more energy to her side of the family and you are going to be sad. You might want to consider modeling yourself better for your boys so when they grow up they don’t neglect you.

Then its a problem I didn't raise my boys to want or maintain a relationship with their extended family. It doesn't transfer to a DIL problem who must allocate her time to ensure "fairness" to the grandparents ignoring how she wants to spend her time. Its a DIL problem if they block access for an unreasonable reason, its a DS problem if he doesn't care about facilitating a relationship

also (and i'm fired up about this) i do plenty to make sure the kids have a relationship with my inlaws. but when there's extra time, i'm allowed to spend it however i want, whether thats hanging out with no one, my friends, going to the beach, going to great wolf lodge, going on a stay in the country, or visiting my parents. If I choose spending time with people and places that are most important to me as an individual human, that doesn't somehow create an obligation to put exactly the same effort towards something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a workaholic (which is its own problem yes) so I'm on my own with the kids a lot.

My inlaws see our 3 kids several times a year - probably 2-3x / yr for a week and then a handful of other weekends. They never go more than 2 months without seeing them for at least a couple days. They also saw each kid within days of their being born and were invited to stay for a week or so.

My parents actually come visit a lot less than inlaws do and I'd estimate they actually spend equal or fewer days with my kids a year, but I am more proactive in making plans with them. I bring the kids to my parents house for 2 weeks or so in the summer, I make sure we spend the holiday with them when its their turn in the rotation, when the babies were born I welcomed my mom staying with me for a week or two

My inlaws are so bitter about this and think I'm favoring my parents access to my kids over my theirs and its "unfair". What drives me insane about this is that it entirely ignores me as a person verus "manager of the kids". I - as an individual person who is tied to my kids as their caretaker - want to see my parents! I want to go to the town I grew up in and spend time there. I want to do the holiday traditions with my mom I grew up with. I want my mom supporting me as a baby. None of this is some sneaky "i want my kids to be closer to my parents and not to my inlaws". I'm allowed to have ways I enjoy spending my time and do those!

They'd have a valid complaint if they weren't getting much time with the grandkids, but they're getting plenty of access. I wouldn't even blame them for being a bit bummed about it that yeah, sorry often times the DHs mom isn't as welcomed in immediately after birth as DWs, but the taking offense by it like I'm somehow being unfair or am not allowed to exist as a person with my own preferences and needs really bugs me.

DH says "you'll understand someday too" since we only have boys. But I just don't agree. Will I be a bit sad if I'm asked to wait a month to meet my first grandkid while my DILs mom gets welcomed the moment they're born? Sure of course, but I'll also understand that DILs mom's role isn't just to "get to hold baby first" - its to take care of her daughter when she's leaking, bleeding, weeping, etc in a way that I just can't. And its not unfair or mean of the couple to ask me to wait. And if DIL is making plans with her parents a lot and the family never comes visit me, assuming there's not a reason for them not to visit me (which I'd try to correct if so!) i'd view that as a thing for me to work on with my son and asking him to be a little more proactive with making time for it versus treating DIL like the manager of the grandchildren who is not aloud to spend her time how she wants. My inlaws are constantly looking for ways to be put out and beancounting (they were upset we saw my parents over covid and not them - but we could drive to my parents in 8 and and it'd take 30 to get to them!! that reality is entirely ignored) instead of just looking at all the opportunity they have for a great relationship with the grandkids.

Rant over

Do you not have friends? This is an awfully long rant to post here.

[Anonymous]

My story is even wilder: my *mother* has fits and tantrums when she thinks I accommodate my MIL too much. This despite the demonstrable FACT that my children see MIL about HALF as much as they see my mother!!!

Unbelievable.

Moral: let it go, OP. Some people are just takers and are never satisfied, even if you let them walk all over you. You let them cry and stamp their feet and ignore them entirely. They're only hurting themselves, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My story is even wilder: my *mother* has fits and tantrums when she thinks I accommodate my MIL too much. This despite the demonstrable FACT that my children see MIL about HALF as much as they see my mother!!!

Unbelievable.

Moral: let it go, OP. Some people are just takers and are never satisfied, even if you let them walk all over you. You let them cry and stamp their feet and ignore them entirely. They're only hurting themselves, after all.

Me again. Adding that in my opinion, you also have a husband problem. He should be telling his parents to back off.

[Anonymous]

You’re all nuts. You sound enmeshed with your parents (maybe because your husband is a workaholic), your in-laws sound nosy and judgmental, and your kids sound very young if they have all this time in the fall to visit family and aren’t busy with school and sports. I’d work on teaching your kids to not give every detail, ie, we went to the pumpkin patch vs. we went to the pumpkin patch with grandma. That’s a life skill.

[Anonymous]

Your 5 yr old is telling them constantly about his other grandparent visits? 5 yr olds can barely remember what they had for lunch. This doesn't ring very true.

[Anonymous]

Make a spreadsheet listing how many days you spent with each set of grandparents and share it widely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My story is even wilder: my *mother* has fits and tantrums when she thinks I accommodate my MIL too much. This despite the demonstrable FACT that my children see MIL about HALF as much as they see my mother!!!

Unbelievable.

Moral: let it go, OP. Some people are just takers and are never satisfied, even if you let them walk all over you. You let them cry and stamp their feet and ignore them entirely. They're only hurting themselves, after all.

OP here - that is wilder!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 5 yr old is telling them constantly about his other grandparent visits? 5 yr olds can barely remember what they had for lunch. This doesn't ring very true.

No one lives close - everyone is either a trip for us or a house guest. So yes when a 5yo face times weekly, taking a trip or having a house guest comes up.

I probably see my parents 4x a year total and my older two also do their own visit with them (one at a time) in summer. Again, if anything my kids see my inlaws more - its my inlaws ruminate on the aspects my parents get and they don't instead of looking at the big picture. and even if my parents did get more - like i wanted to take the kids to spend the whole summer in my hometown - i think thats fine and doesn't mean the next summer i must take them to spend it in DHs home town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be petty and stop bringing the kids to my in-laws. DH can take them if he feels that relationship is important. They already feel you favor your family, so might as well do that all the way.

+1. I don't cater to ungrateful people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a spreadsheet listing how many days you spent with each set of grandparents and share it widely

i'm not sure if you're being facetious, but in case not, thats my point. I don't exist only as "manager of kid's time and grandparent access". If I want to go spend 2 weeks in my hometown, I can just do it because I get to spend my time how I want. I shouldn't block a relationship between my inlaws and the kids and should do a reasonable amount to support it for my kids sake, but when I don't have to spend an equal amount of time with my inlaws. If I took the kids to spain for 2 weeks because I wanted to see spain, no one would think it was reasonable to then say "ok you went to spain, now you must visit your inlaws for 2 weeks also".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a spreadsheet listing how many days you spent with each set of grandparents and share it widely

I keep one for my own records when MIL pulls this crap. She is jealous of visits my kids have with mom, my dad and stepmother, AND with her ex husband and his wife.

She also complained when I took my infant to see my grandmother during my mat leave? People are wild, man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 5 yr old is telling them constantly about his other grandparent visits? 5 yr olds can barely remember what they had for lunch. This doesn't ring very true.

No one lives close - everyone is either a trip for us or a house guest. So yes when a 5yo face times weekly, taking a trip or having a house guest comes up.

I probably see my parents 4x a year total and my older two also do their own visit with them (one at a time) in summer. Again, if anything my kids see my inlaws more - its my inlaws ruminate on the aspects my parents get and they don't instead of looking at the big picture. and even if my parents did get more - like i wanted to take the kids to spend the whole summer in my hometown - i think thats fine and doesn't mean the next summer i must take them to spend it in DHs home town

I don't see why you can't allow your older two to visit your in-laws once they get watersafe with swimming lessons.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your situation is fairly common. I spend more time with my parents, so my kids are closer to my parents than my in laws. Like you, I like going to my home time. I like how my dad cooks for me and my mom watches my kids so I can catch up with old friends. It's just easier and more comfortable for me. I also have a son and I expect if he marries his kids will likely favor their mom's parents for the same reasons. In our case though, no one is keeping score as both sides have other grandkids and are busy with their own lives. I kind of wish my in laws cared more, but they just don't. My FIL (divorced) hasn't seen our youngest for 5 years. That is entirely on him and DH as that's a relationship I stay out of.

[Anonymous]

"they were upset we saw my parents over covid and not them" that's quite a long time to not see the grandkids