Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer

[Anonymous]

Husband and I have been together 13y. But I've started to realize he really doesn't care if I'm ok. I had cancer last year and he was helpful, but not concerned. Since then he's just been mainly... annoyed. I am the breadwinner and have a job I hate, but make a lot (about x5 his salary). I've noticed he doesn't ever proactively try to help me figure out a way to downsize our lives so that I can take a step back. He'll listen and nod - sometimes - when I tell him how unhappy I am. But he never ever suggests solutions for us to adjust so that I could have a better balance. There are times when I am literally crying my eyes out about the level of stress from my job and he is vaguely listening while scrolling on his phone. Right now I am interviewing elsewhere and seeing red flags in places and he just... doesn't care. He says "oh it will be fine". Like - not necessarily if you're the one pulling the 55h weeks surrounded by the worst people ever. He never pulls extra effort with his own career. Recently I got super sick again and was worried and he just made me feel like I was a crazy, anxious irritation who needed to chill the f out. Maybe I am! But clearly he has no more interest in making the effort.
any advice? I would really prefer not to divorce w a 7 and 10 yo, one is neurodiverse. but it's getting - into ridic territory. Should we just divorce or separate or what makes sense?

[Anonymous]

You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.

Sorry, OP, that must be a shitty feeling. Take care of yourself. I'd find a therapist or supportive friends or family to vent to and maybe a job hunting support group. If you can reframe his role AS the neutral nanny it may hurt less. I stayed in a not great marriage bc of wanting to conserve assets and have 2 parents on hand bc 1 kid is SN. I try to think of it more as running a family unit not a support for me. Good luck with the job hunt.

[Anonymous]

Tell him your plan is to quit at the end of the year and he needs to execute on finding you a realtor and putting the house on the market

[Anonymous]

Why are you still married to him? What does he bring to the table?

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of my ex husband. We did break up. He was like an additional child in many ways. My life is better without him, but l don’t know if l would have pulled the plug in your situation with illness and a SN kid.

He is probably overwhelmed and feels like nothing he does is good enough, leading to no longer caring or trying to do better. He might be incapable of stepping up more than he has. Not to be harsh but I’m sure he’s also experienced a very hard and stressful time with your illness and caring for the SN child, stress over what if you can’t work any more and what will he do with the kids without you.

I do think you need to take a less stressful job, but it’s just unrealistic for you to expect him to help with that based on what you’ve said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.

I kind of think you should do it. If you get divorced, alimony and child support will be based on your current salary, and you will be trapped in this job. Better to do it while you’re still married.

[Anonymous]

In this particular scenario, I think it would be worth it to (I) seek marriage counseling and (ii) push his to be screened for depression and anxiety. You have both been through a lot. It would be that he is falling apart on the inside and stoicism is his only coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

Every therapist in the world suggest to just listen and not provide solutions. You have the one H on earth that does that and you’re mad about it.

File this under looking for a fight.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever considered he has autism if that’s what one of your children has as their SN? Highly heritable. A lot of his indifference would fit if this is what’s going on. Maybe reach out to a neurodivergent therapist or one familiar with ND/NT couples for help. A regular therapist will actually make things worse. It didn’t fix my situation ( I am also very sick with SN kid and I stayed for this reason) but it did reframe how I see my husband. I don’t take his lack of caring so personally now I guess.

[Anonymous]

Might he be neurodivergent?

It’s possible that he lacks problem-solving skills, recognizes he’s not bringing much to the table but doesn’t know how to do better, and just feels helpless and mute - which presents as irritation or not caring.

He doesn’t know how to fix things, and shuts down (scrolling on his phone mutely while you vent about the job that is bringing nearly the entirety of the household income - that’s irritating as F, but he might not be capable if more).

You need and deserve support. Can you carve out space for yourself to see a therapist, who can help you problem-solve and figure out how you want to proceed in your job and your marriage? Do you have supportive family or friends? Making time for yourself for activities that decrease your stress levels enough that you don’t feel like you’re in the midst of a five-alarm fire, so you can breathe and clarify your thoughts and see things clearly, would definitely be a benefit.

So maybe your husband isn’t going to help you solve this, but he can take the kids to give you some breathing room and reduce what sounds like an immense stress level. And then go from there.

You may also have to be more directive, since it doesn’t sound like he’s inclined to partner with you. You may just have to make decisions and tell him what is going to happen, and see how he reacts.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry.

I need you to fully, 100 percent understand a few things.

First, you can only control your own actions. Yes, he needs to be aware, but he's not actively participating in your lives. Considering this, you need to decide how to proceed. Professionally, you need to decide how YOU want your life to go. If you want a new job, look at the money and decide what changes are necessary and announce them. Don't ask. Announce.

Second, you need to decide whether the short-term stability of being married to a someone who doesn't hard but doesn't help is better than divorcing and dealing with the fall out from their. I've been a big believer that when it comes to divorce, it's a lot easier for kids to live with parents who are happy with their situations or at the very least at peace with them. That means, if it's divorce, then do it. But if you can be together and just avoid the stress and upheaval of divorce until your kids are adults and they can decide on their own terms what they want from their father without the courts or visitation, it is massively, massively better to defer. Considering the special needs component and your health, it might not be worth going through the stress to get divorced.

Third, is acceptance. You have to look at your life, your DH and accept it for what it is. You can't change people. You CAN change yourself though. So, it's all back to point one.

Fourth, if he is so passive, then he can't kick up a fuss. Change is hard, but you get the decide. If you get fired, what's the plan? Proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.

Is he neurodiverse as well? Maybe he is given the lack of empathy, inability to plan or do things, and poor communication skills.

You’re in a pickle then. Others of this in this pickle either quit to work on the kid(s) and home, or work but hire live in nanny, 2x a week housekeeper, therapists for all, drivers. We also detach from our “husbands”, sideline them like they want, and ignore them like they ignore the family. Then gray divorce once the last kid it out. Also, make a point of socializing with your own friends after 8pm, and other families with your kids or at least your NT kid.

Grieve first. This is not the marriage or situation you signed up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him your plan is to quit at the end of the year and he needs to execute on finding you a realtor and putting the house on the market

Is he even capable of this? Would he mess it up, avoid talking with the realtor, or sabotage things.

Right now OP is his sugar daddy who works 55 hrs a week, takes care of two kids, manages the house and yard, whilst he does exactly what he wants: nothing.