Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every therapist in the world suggest to just listen and not provide solutions. You have the one H on earth that does that and you’re mad about it.

File this under looking for a fight.

Lol.

Now never responding, never offering emotional support, never having back & forth conversation, not making eye contact, and just twiddling on your iPhone while someone’s talking to you about important stuff is called “listening”.

What a hoot. What psychotic planet are you on PP?

After a while, everyone gets tired of listening to whining. You sound like a broken record. Quit your complaining or do something about it. But this need of yours for him to fix it is weird.

I mean, we’re only two pages in and I’m tired of listening to you too.

Geez. I’m op and this isn’t even me. I’ve posted the original post and one comment on here. Cool your jets

[Anonymous]

Pay someone to do homemaking or husband quits job to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I haven’t seen in OP’s description of the issue is her concretely asking for help and her DH refusing.

OP, have you asked DH to help you figure this out? Have you asked him to step up and earn more?

Earlier in our marriage, I was out earning DH x5 in a job I didn’t like and carrying most of the house/kids care burden. I was at a breaking point, and very directly told DH I needed him to make more money so I could move to a lower paying job. He did it. But he watched me struggle and complain for five years and never proactively did anything. I’ve come to realize that he needs a direct request to take action. Maybe your DH is similar.

Op - yes I have and it is not happening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.

We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.

Is he neuroatypical as well? Maybe he is given the lack of empathy, inability to plan or do things, and poor communication skills.

You’re in a pickle then. Others of this in this pickle either quit to work on the kid(s) and home, or work but hire live in nanny, 2x a week housekeeper, therapists for all, drivers. We also detach from our “husbands”, sideline them like they want, and ignore them like they ignore the family. Then gray divorce once the last kid it out. Also, make a point of socializing with your own friends after 8pm, and other families with your kids or at least your NT kid.

Grieve first. This is not the marriage or situation you signed up for.

+1
+1
+1

[Anonymous]

Op - he has adhd as does kid. But possible they both have some asd traits. With ds he does not seem autistic generally speaking. But in this case a little

[Anonymous]

As the breadwinner wife with a crazy stressful job, I used to completely stress out about my job all the time, break down crying, etc. DH told me "it'll be fine, you just should quit, you'll find something better" but he didn't like, send me job listings or anything. I cycled through these same motions for ~4 years before I finally changed jobs, and was completely freaked out by what downsizing our income might mean. Over those 4 years he stopped really responding as much to my freakouts. Why would he? He couldn't move the needle on my anxiety, he had already "said all the right things," and it must have just felt like I didn't really ever plan to make a change.

And when I did make a change, everything was fine. Just like he said it would be, but I had such a hard time believing (not because he's unsupportive, because of financial anxiety that predates my marriage). I know you're overwhelmed right now, and if he seems not to be overwhelmed it's easy to make it his fault. But is it really his fault you haven't left your job? Honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - he has adhd as does kid. But possible they both have some asd traits. With ds he does not seem autistic generally speaking. But in this case a little

Good get him to a psychiatrist and on a stimulant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - he has adhd as does kid. But possible they both have some asd traits. With ds he does not seem autistic generally speaking. But in this case a little

How is your DH's ADHD being treated and managed? Maybe he needs new/different/more meds and an executive function coach. That could enable him to engage more both at work and at home.

I'm a mom with ADD and a SN kid and w/o meds and coaching it was really hard to manage life and work. Like attracts like, my ex had issues and I was not diagnosed until kid was, but we struggled like you describe, especially under stress.

You are also modeling to your ADHD child what a healthy marriage with someone with ADHD can look like. One where limits are acknowledged but also addressed or worked around effectively. You also sound very overwhelmed and should be evaluated for ADHD, anxiety and depression, esp with all you have been through.

If someone with ADHD is checked out on overwhelm don't assume they don't "care" they may not be able to do better without meds and executive function help. You have ALL been through a lot. Get everyone functioning better, routines, outsource, have someone come in and work with the family on ADD issues, whatever you can swing. Go from there. Stop trying to do the same thing and expecting a different result and taking it personally, that shows you may need help with mood or executive functioning too. All of that will make work and family life easier and then you can try to reconnect as a couple. Don't try to use him as a career coach, outsource that or find mentors in your field.

I'm sorry for the health and other challenges, OP. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - he has adhd as does kid. But possible they both have some asd traits. With ds he does not seem autistic generally speaking. But in this case a little

How is your DH's ADHD being treated and managed? Maybe he needs new/different/more meds and an executive function coach. That could enable him to engage more both at work and at home.

I'm a mom with ADD and a SN kid and w/o meds and coaching it was really hard to manage life and work. Like attracts like, my ex had issues and I was not diagnosed until kid was, but we struggled like you describe, especially under stress.

You are also modeling to your ADHD child what a healthy marriage with someone with ADHD can look like. One where limits are acknowledged but also addressed or worked around effectively. You also sound very overwhelmed and should be evaluated for ADHD, anxiety and depression, esp with all you have been through.

If someone with ADHD is checked out on overwhelm don't assume they don't "care" they may not be able to do better without meds and executive function help. You have ALL been through a lot. Get everyone functioning better, routines, outsource, have someone come in and work with the family on ADD issues, whatever you can swing. Go from there. Stop trying to do the same thing and expecting a different result and taking it personally, that shows you may need help with mood or executive functioning too. All of that will make work and family life easier and then you can try to reconnect as a couple. Don't try to use him as a career coach, outsource that or find mentors in your field.

I'm sorry for the health and other challenges, OP. Hang in there.

Op - ty for this truly thoughtful post. Really helpful and he has had coach in past - will see if he will resurrect

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to move to change jobs?

With a lot of neurodivergence and you seeming overwhelmed, is there any way to outsource more to lower stress? I had an organizer come in and help set up simple systems and help organize routines. She comes back a few times a year to tweak. That helped me get past decision paralysis re: changes, seems you may also be prone to that? We did Blue Apron for a while and go back to that during stressful times, as one example.

I'd optimize the status quo, get DH treated for ADHD, get yourself evaluated and treated, my decision paralysis and rumination and anxiety were ADD linked, lower stress all around, regroup and go from there. Right now job hunting is a lot to pile on when you are at a low ebb and your ruminating about your projected interpretation of your DH not "caring" is not helping your mental or physical health either, as a cancer survivor.

Once treated, have DH work with a coach to ramp up his own career and enhance chances of success, that will make things more balanced.

Do you have room for an au pair? Help with the kids and dinner might lower your stress a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - he has adhd as does kid. But possible they both have some asd traits. With ds he does not seem autistic generally speaking. But in this case a little

Good get him to a psychiatrist and on a stimulant

He doesn’t need to be drugged because she hates her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband is either tired of your behavior or is realizing that you’re asking an awful lot with no guarantee that if you get what you want, you’ll be happy. You want to uproot your kids and live where exactly? There is no magical land of inexpensive housing, that is comfortable, close to stuff you all like, and has enough space set up in a way you’ll like. There is no magical place with good schools, wholesome activities and bosses that put your family first.

As an aside, I’ve never met anybody who downsized and been happy, that doesn’t mean that you need or want the biggest and best, just that a 4 bedroom townhouse is very different then a 4 bedroom single family, and very few people can adjust the way they think they can, parking or noise or lack of light or lack of outdoor space will upset them. Neighbors can impact you in a townhouse in a way they simply can’t in a single family. Things in the house will still break and need replacement, the house fairy isn’t going to come along and replace the roof, not unless you pay a roofer. Do you realize any of this?
You may have savings now, but you won’t for very long if you quit your job with nothing else lined up.

Are you prepared to deal with the emotional impact to your kids? They probably worried more about you with cancer then you know as did your husband. They, both your husband and kids, probably just want to have a normal year, do things they want, maybe a vacation, a festival, in other words the energy, money, and time you’d spend moving can be spent or not spent having fun and enjoying each other.
Y
Our kids too are at a point where they are forming friendships. Yes, they can make new friends, but that isn’t as easy as it seems even for the most sociable kids. Humans aren’t interchangeable parts.
Not all places have the same types of activities. My kids have expressed an interest in the Young Eagles program which requires an airport, usually regional airport that you can easily get to for meetings and activities. They exist but not all places have them. One area may have a great Scout program, the place you move to may have a miserable one or one that is inactive. Some schools have a very active involved pta, which leads to fun family events and community involvement, others don’t and unless you are a dynamo it isn’t always possible to “be the change you want to see”.

I’m with your husband, op. Find a job you like better or learn to like the one you have and let your family rest and recover. Medical events can really take a toll on the family physically and emotionally. Cancer wasn’t your fault, I’m not saying that at all, but you do need to realize just what your family went through and what they may want to spend their time doing with you now that they can.

I was in big law for over 10 years. Knew plenty of people who downsized and were very content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the breadwinner wife with a crazy stressful job, I used to completely stress out about my job all the time, break down crying, etc. DH told me "it'll be fine, you just should quit, you'll find something better" but he didn't like, send me job listings or anything. I cycled through these same motions for ~4 years before I finally changed jobs, and was completely freaked out by what downsizing our income might mean. Over those 4 years he stopped really responding as much to my freakouts. Why would he? He couldn't move the needle on my anxiety, he had already "said all the right things," and it must have just felt like I didn't really ever plan to make a change.

And when I did make a change, everything was fine. Just like he said it would be, but I had such a hard time believing (not because he's unsupportive, because of financial anxiety that predates my marriage). I know you're overwhelmed right now, and if he seems not to be overwhelmed it's easy to make it his fault. But is it really his fault you haven't left your job? Honestly.

I have a similar story. When you are the person who has to make the change and are full of angst, it's hard for the other person to ever say or do the right thing. Basically I wanted my husband to be more angsty so I could be less. But that's just not how life works.

[Anonymous]

Yes the more “laid back” and uninvolved the dysfunctional spouse is, the more it forces the functional spouse to make up for it in hyper vigilance, stress, and awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - he has adhd as does kid. But possible they both have some asd traits. With ds he does not seem autistic generally speaking. But in this case a little

Good get him to a psychiatrist and on a stimulant

He doesn’t need to be drugged because she hates her job.

Correct, he needs ADHD drugs to treat and manage his chronic ADHD symptoms so he can contribute a base level of effort to the family.