Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
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Anonymous
That is correct. Although the five years thing might mitigate. Would be a judge’s discretion but any change that is found to be motivated by a desire to pay less in support would be deemed specious and a different income imputed. It happens all the time. |
Anonymous
A judge absolutely might. |
Anonymous
Nope, wrong. And if some know-nothing lawyer claimed that Op with cancer and illness and special needs kids has all the reasons in the world to downshift. It’s daddy bear who has to grow up and step up. He’s developmentally behind by decades. |
Anonymous
Nice MO!: after not really listening nor responding, be a bully and gaslight them to shut up with their concerns and feelings. Yes, double down with verbal and emotional abuse. That’s the ticket! |
Anonymous
Not responding to loved ones just escalates the topic and need to be heard. It’s truly amazing how responding validates others and advances the topic. Everyone moves on. |
Anonymous
She’s busy recovering from cancer, raising her kids alone, paying the bills and maintaining the house. She should call his mommy and daddy and he can spend a few years there with psych appts, trialing meds and deep therapy. I’m sure that’ll work at this age. |
Anonymous
Boy r u dense. These are 100% Family Issues to discuss together. While it’s clear you don’t have a spouse, if you did you’d know that their health, their job are family matters, not personal-only matters. But maybe you’re a troll, pretending to not be able to distinguish between the two. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like your husband is either tired of your behavior or is realizing that you’re asking an awful lot with no guarantee that if you get what you want, you’ll be happy. You want to uproot your kids and live where exactly? There is no magical land of inexpensive housing, that is comfortable, close to stuff you all like, and has enough space set up in a way you’ll like. There is no magical place with good schools, wholesome activities and bosses that put your family first.
As an aside, I’ve never met anybody who downsized and been happy, that doesn’t mean that you need or want the biggest and best, just that a 4 bedroom townhouse is very different then a 4 bedroom single family, and very few people can adjust the way they think they can, parking or noise or lack of light or lack of outdoor space will upset them. Neighbors can impact you in a townhouse in a way they simply can’t in a single family. Things in the house will still break and need replacement, the house fairy isn’t going to come along and replace the roof, not unless you pay a roofer. Do you realize any of this? You may have savings now, but you won’t for very long if you quit your job with nothing else lined up. Are you prepared to deal with the emotional impact to your kids? They probably worried more about you with cancer then you know as did your husband. They, both your husband and kids, probably just want to have a normal year, do things they want, maybe a vacation, a festival, in other words the energy, money, and time you’d spend moving can be spent or not spent having fun and enjoying each other. Y Our kids too are at a point where they are forming friendships. Yes, they can make new friends, but that isn’t as easy as it seems even for the most sociable kids. Humans aren’t interchangeable parts. Not all places have the same types of activities. My kids have expressed an interest in the Young Eagles program which requires an airport, usually regional airport that you can easily get to for meetings and activities. They exist but not all places have them. One area may have a great Scout program, the place you move to may have a miserable one or one that is inactive. Some schools have a very active involved pta, which leads to fun family events and community involvement, others don’t and unless you are a dynamo it isn’t always possible to “be the change you want to see”. I’m with your husband, op. Find a job you like better or learn to like the one you have and let your family rest and recover. Medical events can really take a toll on the family physically and emotionally. Cancer wasn’t your fault, I’m not saying that at all, but you do need to realize just what your family went through and what they may want to spend their time doing with you now that they can. |
Anonymous
No. What happens is the person with no job gets sliding down alimony for a couple years in order to train up and get a job. No one gets ordered to go back to peak income in order to pay an underemployed, unmotivated ex husband. Obviously if some $million+/year exec suddenly quits, sits on boards, tells everyone to give them deferred pay and stock in order to avoid child support and alimony, then forensic accounting is called in. But most execs and their lawyers aren’t that stupid in the first place. |
Anonymous
| If you make so much money he probably feels like he needs to defer to you on anything that matters because it’s your dime. Also, he can’t really help you take a step back from your career. You have to do that. |
Anonymous
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My husband is this way. He's a doctor, so he'll take care of us as long as we have physical symptoms. But mental health? Stress? Forget it. His medical school training did not address that and his high-functioning autism makes it hard for him to step into other people's shoes. Anyway, when he's experiences struggle, he doesn't react the same way as I do: he never cries (his beloved brother died and he didn't even cry), he starts yelling, but doesn't connect it to his stress. He has very little awareness of how psychology and emotions interact.
So I've had to literally talk him through it: how to identify an emotion, and how to figure out why that person is emotional (his mind works in 360 degrees and he gets confused as to which is the most probable reason, because to him they're all equally probable, even when one reason is obvious to everyone else). Next, how to ask questions *sensitively* if he's confused about why that person is upset. Then, how to treat the problem: change tone to gentle, use affectionate physical contact if person is a relative (but not coworker!), suggest options from list of options appropriate to the occasion, remember that upset person also needs time to work out whether options will work. It's like programming a robot, except that my husband is human and also has emotions and feelings and I have to take them into account. He can get touchy about his lack of emotional intelligence. And no one can predict in advance all the emotional tools he might need in advance, so even though he's made EXCELLENT progress, there are always times when his emotional response will be off... because that particular program was not entered into the system. |
Anonymous
| He needs to verbalize something about how he feels or thinks. |
Anonymous
| OP, if your child is neurodivergent, your DH likely is too. So if it is ASD, impacts how "caring" may be expressed. If ADHD he is likely overwhelmed and meds and executive coaching may help. Get both of your oxygen masks on, get everyone functioning on all cylinders as much as possible and go from there. Right now it's all projection about feelings and imputing motives and it's not productive. If he used to be more effusive in expressing "care" could have been less stressed or masking. |
Anonymous
Do not do this with cancer!!! She probably needs employer health insurance. |
Anonymous
| Just a quick aside here: stop saying people are "neurodiverse" unless they have two brains that are different. They would be neurodivergent. |