When people who don’t know you, dislike you

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I am struggling with this. I have learned that two women from my broader friend/social group (overlapping groups from grad school, work, and hobbies) apparently really dislike me and voice this opinion when often to people I know (which is how it made its way back to me).

I get not everyone likes everyone. Heck, I don’t like everyone. But this one is irking me because these women don’t actually know me. I’ve never interacted with them 1:1 or even in a small group. I’ve only ever spent time with them at big gatherings where I might have spent a few minutes speaking in the same group, but that’s the max of our interactions.

So I guess they just dislike me on sight? My general vibe? Have heard things about me they hate? It’s just weird to me. There are a handful of people I really dislike, but I have actual reasons for it, like I worked with them for years and they were a jerk to me consistently. I can’t think of anyone I hate or even dislike despite never having spent any time with them or interacted in a meaningful way.

I know I should just not care but it is really bothering me because it feels arbitrary, and also because they are so vocal about it, apparently. I have half a mind to call them out on it but I know that’s probably a mistake.

I don’t care if the like me or not, I just don’t understand why they HATE me.

[Anonymous]

It sounds cliche to say it's not you, it's them - but it's not you, it's them. Ignore as best you can and if anyone brings it to your attention, don't engage beyond "that's weird, I've never really had any interactions with them, not sure why they dislike me."

[Anonymous]

People who talk about people they don't even know behind their back have insecurity problems. It really is them, not you. They are not people worth your time.

[Anonymous]

Ugh Op. This is why I avoid friend groups. A - they shouldn’t be saying those things about you. B - nobody should be reporting the gossip to you. C - someone should have shut them down but didn’t.

This is a toxic group that thrives on negativaty and drama. Get out!!

[Anonymous]

I understand. It is my RBF.

[Anonymous]

It is odd and maybe even stranger still that your actual friends would divulge this info. Are the two haters close with one another? I feel like there must be more to this story or your social group is exceptionally immature. Would you say there is anything particularly outsized about your personality, voice? flamboyance? tendency to monopolize a conversation? What did your actual friends report was said? Hate is a strong word.

[Anonymous]

I've had the experience of others (all women) literally taking one look at me and disliking me. It happens and it's them, not you.

That said, what is wrong with your mutual friends who are reporting all of this to you? Are they pushing back on these people? If they don't have a problem continuing to socialize with toxic women who would say these things about someone they barely know, do you still trust them or want to hang out with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand. It is my RBF.

For me, it’s my RBF and the weird awkward vibe I give off (thank you social anxiety).

[Anonymous]

There are some people I really dislike that I don’t know well at all because I know of specific things they have done to other people that have been cruel, or constant repetition of entitled behavior. I wouldn’t say it’s hate but it’s a steer clear of them kind of thing. This doesn’t sound like that’s the case here, but as others have said, the whole dynamic is bizarre to me. Why are the women who are supposedly your friends stirring things up by telling you how strongly people dislike you? It just seems like a toxic group in general. fwiw, I don’t discuss the people I dislike with any mutual friends, if there are any.

[Anonymous]

It’s rude and petty of them to gossip. I’m sorry they are that rude.

Are you sure they hate you, though?

There are women I don’t know well that I know I dislike. MLM recruiters, MAGA types, #boymom types who don’t keep their kids from hitting others or saying horrible things and laugh it off. Wine Culture Moms. But that said, I just avoid them. I don’t gossip. But yeah, it’s possible to know you dislike someone without knowing them well.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Yes, the two women are close friends with each other. So not two separate, random people who dislike me.

The way I found out is that a (male) friend of mine was inviting me to a thing he and his wife were hosting, and said “don’t worry, [the two women] won’t be there.” I was confused and asked why that mattered, having no real opinion on them either way, and he said “oh, I just heard from [his wife] that you guys don’t get along.” Which was news to me and further confusing because we’ve barely interacted.

I then asked his wife about it and she confirmed they don’t like me, said she thought I knew and that the women are vocal about it, and also said she assumed “something” had happened to cause a falling out. She said she was on my “side” but I don’t even want there to be sides!

I see what the PP is saying about friend groups but I mean, I didn’t set out to have friend group like this. I just made friends through school and work and hung out with my friends and as we got older, more people got incorporated into the network and now I guess it’s a loose friend group.

Now it feels like a combustible situation because while I don’t care about these two women, I do worry about this impacting my friendships with others and my belonging in the group, if they are talking about it enough that people feel like they need to be on a side or be careful about inviting us all to the same stuff.

Ugh, I know this all sounds like lame friend drama and I hate it. I don’t want stuff like this in my life.

[Anonymous]

It is odd and parochial behavior. Your "friends" who told you, are not real friends, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s rude and petty of them to gossip. I’m sorry they are that rude.

Are you sure they hate you, though?

There are women I don’t know well that I know I dislike. MLM recruiters, MAGA types, #boymom types who don’t keep their kids from hitting others or saying horrible things and laugh it off. Wine Culture Moms. But that said, I just avoid them. I don’t gossip. But yeah, it’s possible to know you dislike someone without knowing them well.

MAGA people I’ll give you, but I think you are being unnecessarily harsh on the others. I have friends in all of those categories even though I don’t like that aspect of their personalities. They aren’t my best friends but they are people I like and can talk to, and I just overlook and draw hard boundaries with the stuff I don’t like.

There are also people who I know are into stuff I dislike (like MLMs or wine mom culture) and I’m not friends with them but I also don’t dislike them. I am just neutral in them with no strong feelings. I would never say “oh Larla, I can’t stand her” just because she has an MLM. Who cares? Unless she’s done something directly to me, her interests and behavior don’t impact me.

But at least you aren’t talking poorly about them behind their backs, which is worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Yes, the two women are close friends with each other. So not two separate, random people who dislike me.

The way I found out is that a (male) friend of mine was inviting me to a thing he and his wife were hosting, and said “don’t worry, [the two women] won’t be there.” I was confused and asked why that mattered, having no real opinion on them either way, and he said “oh, I just heard from [his wife] that you guys don’t get along.” Which was news to me and further confusing because we’ve barely interacted.

I then asked his wife about it and she confirmed they don’t like me, said she thought I knew and that the women are vocal about it, and also said she assumed “something” had happened to cause a falling out. She said she was on my “side” but I don’t even want there to be sides!

I see what the PP is saying about friend groups but I mean, I didn’t set out to have friend group like this. I just made friends through school and work and hung out with my friends and as we got older, more people got incorporated into the network and now I guess it’s a loose friend group.

Now it feels like a combustible situation because while I don’t care about these two women, I do worry about this impacting my friendships with others and my belonging in the group, if they are talking about it enough that people feel like they need to be on a side or be careful about inviting us all to the same stuff.

Ugh, I know this all sounds like lame friend drama and I hate it. I don’t want stuff like this in my life.

I posted earlier but I think your feelings are valid and it’s not lame because it does seem like really unnecessary toxic crap. There are a few schools of thought and I don’t think either are wrong- it’s just personal preference. Either you avoid most or all gatherings that include these 2 women, or when you do go to things where they will be there, hold your head high and think of knowledge as power. This can inform how and how often you engage with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s rude and petty of them to gossip. I’m sorry they are that rude.

Are you sure they hate you, though?

There are women I don’t know well that I know I dislike. MLM recruiters, MAGA types, #boymom types who don’t keep their kids from hitting others or saying horrible things and laugh it off. Wine Culture Moms. But that said, I just avoid them. I don’t gossip. But yeah, it’s possible to know you dislike someone without knowing them well.

MAGA people I’ll give you, but I think you are being unnecessarily harsh on the others. I have friends in all of those categories even though I don’t like that aspect of their personalities. They aren’t my best friends but they are people I like and can talk to, and I just overlook and draw hard boundaries with the stuff I don’t like.

There are also people who I know are into stuff I dislike (like MLMs or wine mom culture) and I’m not friends with them but I also don’t dislike them. I am just neutral in them with no strong feelings. I would never say “oh Larla, I can’t stand her” just because she has an MLM. Who cares? Unless she’s done something directly to me, her interests and behavior don’t impact me.

But at least you aren’t talking poorly about them behind their backs, which is worse.

It is not “harsh” for me to be cordial and polite but avoid people I don’t connect with. I have lots of friends, and yes, I am allowed to dislike pushy MLM types who prey on women. I dislike women who knowingly try to scam other women out of money.