When people who don’t know you, dislike you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had the experience of others (all women) literally taking one look at me and disliking me. It happens and it's them, not you.

That said, what is wrong with your mutual friends who are reporting all of this to you? Are they pushing back on these people? If they don't have a problem continuing to socialize with toxic women who would say these things about someone they barely know, do you still trust them or want to hang out with them?

Heed this advice. I had this happen with an ex friend. It took 5 years to realize the “messenger” was a two faced liar that took habit in stirring drama between people.

There’s a reason this friend of yours knows this info and why she’s sharing it with you. And it’s not because she’s just looking after you.

This is a good point and it reminded me of a “friend” in HS who would kind of twist meaningless comments to sound more hateful than they were intended to be. Then she would act as the comforting peacemaker friend “just being honest” about what she had heard. I think it was just a weird attention thing.

PP and that’s exactly what my ex friend was doing. It was insane. She made me think so many mutual friends hated me for various reasons! Only when I directly approached one particular woman to clear the air did I find out the truth (she showed me text messages which were clear as day).

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's better to make lemonade out of hate lemons. Be glad that person is not close to you, pulling you into their circle. There are probably some heavy stressors they are dealing with to be so endlessly resentful.

[Anonymous]

I do understand the desire to share with someone they are being gossiped about. A friend A was really into and almost worshipful of friend B, confided in her without question. Friend B would not stop gossiping about friend A and sharing all her dirty laundry adding her own details to make it sound more scandalous but being close to both I could see friend B was being very disingenuous (I knew it was normal life issues but she made it sound bad). It's been a looooong time and I still wish I had spoken up at that time to clue friend A in but I did distance myself from friend B because her unkind personality didn't sit right with me. I think it's best to judge anyone on your own personal interactions. It's why I often have different takes on teachers too, you can't listen to people embellishing gossip to make you join their hate train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Yes, the two women are close friends with each other. So not two separate, random people who dislike me.

The way I found out is that a (male) friend of mine was inviting me to a thing he and his wife were hosting, and said “don’t worry, [the two women] won’t be there.” I was confused and asked why that mattered, having no real opinion on them either way, and he said “oh, I just heard from [his wife] that you guys don’t get along.” Which was news to me and further confusing because we’ve barely interacted.

I then asked his wife about it and she confirmed they don’t like me, said she thought I knew and that the women are vocal about it, and also said she assumed “something” had happened to cause a falling out. She said she was on my “side” but I don’t even want there to be sides!

I see what the PP is saying about friend groups but I mean, I didn’t set out to have friend group like this. I just made friends through school and work and hung out with my friends and as we got older, more people got incorporated into the network and now I guess it’s a loose friend group.

Now it feels like a combustible situation because while I don’t care about these two women, I do worry about this impacting my friendships with others and my belonging in the group, if they are talking about it enough that people feel like they need to be on a side or be careful about inviting us all to the same stuff.

Ugh, I know this all sounds like lame friend drama and I hate it. I don’t want stuff like this in my life.

I don’t take from this that those two women hate you, OP. One of them could have said (unkindly) that your voice was annoying, and the other agreed, in front of your friend’s wife, and she thought, “wow, they really don’t like OP.” And that’s all that happened.

Your friend’s wife blew this way out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

Jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do understand the desire to share with someone they are being gossiped about. A friend A was really into and almost worshipful of friend B, confided in her without question. Friend B would not stop gossiping about friend A and sharing all her dirty laundry adding her own details to make it sound more scandalous but being close to both I could see friend B was being very disingenuous (I knew it was normal life issues but she made it sound bad). It's been a looooong time and I still wish I had spoken up at that time to clue friend A in but I did distance myself from friend B because her unkind personality didn't sit right with me. I think it's best to judge anyone on your own personal interactions. It's why I often have different takes on teachers too, you can't listen to people embellishing gossip to make you join their hate train.

+1

OP, is this in Bethesda, McLean or another close in suburban neighborhood? It seems like the areas with many SAHMs tend to be more catty. Some of my best friends are SAHMs, but they make it a point to avoid the drama prone - who tend to be people from the area, and who need to control the narrative of their (rather primitive) "turf". Someone pretty and/or successful moves in, and viola! a target and new "hobby" materializes - just stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

+1

The mean, stunted moms are well known in most neighborhoods, OP - their reputation precedes them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can suck my hypothetical Dick. I don’t give a shit about these shitheads. They can go fcuk themselves.

Honestly, I love this attitude.

+1

Mean girls gonna mean, OP. They are of no importance, and try to make themselves "important". They have no significance, but try to make themselves "significant". Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have one person who actively dislikes me for no real reason. Don’t let them occupy your headspace. I actually never think about that person unless someone brings it up like this, and I feel pretty neutral about her. She’s obviously got problems or she wouldn’t feel that way about me.

How do you know there’s no reason? Maybe you said something that offended her, without meaning to. Maybe you made assumptions. Maybe you asked about a sensitive topic. You don’t know.

Maybe you should work on not over reacting so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once (as a college freshman) became friends with a girl who lived on a neighboring hall where a girl from my hs also lived. After we’d gotten close she told me the hs acquaintance (who I barely knew but I felt friendly towards) had taken her aside to “warn” her about me/say I had teased her for having asthma.

I had absolutely no idea she had asthma and of course wouldn’t have teased her if I had! I spent so much time in college (snd occasionally after) wondering about how she thought that!

I think some of these women never grow up and just like to stir the pot, because they have nothing to offer but drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

People always trot this out, but I have never been mean to anyone because I was jealous of them. I’m almost never jealous of anyone. But if I am it never causes me to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

People always trot this out, but I have never been mean to anyone because I was jealous of them. I’m almost never jealous of anyone. But if I am it never causes me to be mean.

Sure you aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I am struggling with this. I have learned that two women from my broader friend/social group (overlapping groups from grad school, work, and hobbies) apparently really dislike me and voice this opinion when often to people I know (which is how it made its way back to me).

I get not everyone likes everyone. Heck, I don’t like everyone. But this one is irking me because these women don’t actually know me. I’ve never interacted with them 1:1 or even in a small group. I’ve only ever spent time with them at big gatherings where I might have spent a few minutes speaking in the same group, but that’s the max of our interactions.

So I guess they just dislike me on sight? My general vibe? Have heard things about me they hate? It’s just weird to me. There are a handful of people I really dislike, but I have actual reasons for it, like I worked with them for years and they were a jerk to me consistently. I can’t think of anyone I hate or even dislike despite never having spent any time with them or interacted in a meaningful way.

I know I should just not care but it is really bothering me because it feels arbitrary, and also because they are so vocal about it, apparently. I have half a mind to call them out on it but I know that’s probably a mistake.

I don’t care if the like me or not, I just don’t understand why they HATE me.

OP seriously, be glad to be free of those worthless b&tches. People who are happy with their lives don't gossip. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

People always trot this out, but I have never been mean to anyone because I was jealous of them. I’m almost never jealous of anyone. But if I am it never causes me to be mean.

Dp
I agree that it's not jealousy but resentment. You are not exactly jealous but cultivate hate in thinking they don't deserve what they have or it's ruining your own status (encroaching on your turf). I notice it but doubt the resentful can see it in themselves. They would double over laughing if you accused them of jealousy because of course Larla sucks so who would be jealous but also Larla doesn't deserve her charmed life. It's easy to see why some assume it's jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jealousy.

People always trot this out, but I have never been mean to anyone because I was jealous of them. I’m almost never jealous of anyone. But if I am it never causes me to be mean.

Dp
I agree that it's not jealousy but resentment. You are not exactly jealous but cultivate hate in thinking they don't deserve what they have or it's ruining your own status (encroaching on your turf). I notice it but doubt the resentful can see it in themselves. They would double over laughing if you accused them of jealousy because of course Larla sucks so who would be jealous but also Larla doesn't deserve her charmed life. It's easy to see why some assume it's jealousy.

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