Concerned for H’s mental health. What to do?

[Anonymous]

A few years back H realized he struggled with some mental health issues. He wasn’t bipolar but did tend to have mood swings, would get into depressive states. He wasn’t an alcoholic, but recognized drinking was a problem for him and stopped drinking altogether. He got into therapy and onto antidepressants as well. After he gave up drinking, he started relying more on weed, and I voiced concerns when he started hiding it from me and he quit that, too.

The last couple weeks he’s been in a depressive state. He’s been sleeping in every day, even on work days. He doesn’t seem very happy with life in general, doesn’t want to go to work but also seems unhappy at home. He’s lost interest in sex.

I noticed he’s been buying 6 packs of non-alcoholic beer and drinking them all within a 24 hour period. It’s non-alcoholic, so that’s good, but I feel like the next step is to get actual beer.

Tonight he asked me if he could start smoking weed again to fix his mood. I said I was open to it, but I would need a better idea of what that would look like - every day, how much, when, etc. I told him I was concerned he would start back up his old behaviors of sneaking off and hiding it, which is a problem for me. He said I don’t understand the medicinal aspect of it, and I told him I do, but if he’s going to use it as medicine on a daily basis he needs to see a doctor, get a diagnosis, and have the doctor determine if weed is the best solution for him. I don’t mind if he uses cannabis. If he needs it for medical reasons, I want him to see a doctor first. If he wants to do it recreationally, that’s fine, I just want to make sure he doesn’t fall into old patterns.

As of now, the way he describes it, it’s more that he needs it just to function and feel any sort of joy in life. To me, this indicates a potential problem.

I am trying to support his mental health by taking on more of the household burdens so he can sleep and rest. But I still need his help. As of now, I’m doing all of the cooking, most of the cleaning, and I’m dreading the weekend because I know he’ll be asleep until noon, meaning I am caring for the kids solo.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to add stress onto him by telling him to suck it up. I don’t want an H who needs to be stoned to be happy at home. Our connection is fading, he doesn’t seem to want much to do with me. I asked him about getting back into therapy but his old therapist has a long waiting list.

[Anonymous]

You can’t fix this and weed is not the answer. He needs help, and fast. Let him know how you feel, especially that you feel the marriage crumbling, and that you can support him only so far. He has to take that step to save himself. You can lead a horse to water . . .

[Anonymous]

Don’t fall into the weed trap- small amounts may mimic an anti-depressant but large amounts may worsen depression. Why did he originally stop taking anti-depressants? I would insist on a psychiatrist and anti-depressants, once he is stabilized let him discuss marijuana use with his doctor.

[Anonymous]

You sound incredibly supportive and levelheaded. Standard care for depression is talk therapy/cbt and possible treatment with SSRIs (antidepressants) especially if this is a relapse and drugs were helpful before. He needs to see a counselor and a psychiatrist. You can help him make appointments if he’s struggling that profoundly. He seems to be leaning on you a lot and looking to you for guidance. So you might as well counter his request for your permission to do weed with support instead for proper care.

I say this as a person with recurrent depression myself who is currently leaning hard on my partner. But also doing the work with weekly therapy and med management with a psychiatric nurse practitioner.

[Anonymous]

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy stava. Find a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Don’t fall into the weed trap- small amounts may mimic an anti-depressant but large amounts may worsen depression. Why did he originally stop taking anti-depressants? I would insist on a psychiatrist and anti-depressants, once he is stabilized let him discuss marijuana use with his doctor.

OP. I completely forgot to mention that. He is still on his anti depressants, but has been talking about how he misses the “highs” of his more manic periods. He recognizes that the medication levels him out overall so his lows aren’t as bad but he wants the highs again. This is very concerning to me, and I’m worried he’ll go off his meds without the guidance of a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Don’t fall into the weed trap- small amounts may mimic an anti-depressant but large amounts may worsen depression. Why did he originally stop taking anti-depressants? I would insist on a psychiatrist and anti-depressants, once he is stabilized let him discuss marijuana use with his doctor.

OP. I completely forgot to mention that. He is still on his anti depressants, but has been talking about how he misses the “highs” of his more manic periods. He recognizes that the medication levels him out overall so his lows aren’t as bad but he wants the highs again. This is very concerning to me, and I’m worried he’ll go off his meds without the guidance of a doctor.

He should discuss with his doctor switching to another type of anti depressants. They really do have different side effects for different people and sometimes they just stop working well and you have to switch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Don’t fall into the weed trap- small amounts may mimic an anti-depressant but large amounts may worsen depression. Why did he originally stop taking anti-depressants? I would insist on a psychiatrist and anti-depressants, once he is stabilized let him discuss marijuana use with his doctor.

OP again. We just discussed it, and I said I would be okay if he saw both a psychiatrist and counselor, and they recommended cannabis as a treatment. He seemed not too thrilled about the idea and keeps talking about research on THC and depression. I feel like he’s trying to convince me it’s okay for him to self-diagnose and self medicate.

We also talked about his work and his boss has been very frustrated with him the last 3-4 months. He says she has unreasonable expectations, but I’m now worried he’s failing at work and could possibly lose his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Don’t fall into the weed trap- small amounts may mimic an anti-depressant but large amounts may worsen depression. Why did he originally stop taking anti-depressants? I would insist on a psychiatrist and anti-depressants, once he is stabilized let him discuss marijuana use with his doctor.

OP. I completely forgot to mention that. He is still on his anti depressants, but has been talking about how he misses the “highs” of his more manic periods. He recognizes that the medication levels him out overall so his lows aren’t as bad but he wants the highs again. This is very concerning to me, and I’m worried he’ll go off his meds without the guidance of a doctor.

He sure sounds bipolar to me. There's bipolar 1, with severe manic periods, and bipolar 2, with less severe manic periods. And to confuse matters more, my ex-H was diagnosed with bipolar 2 even though he never had "up" periods, and it was explained to is that he experienced dysphoria instead of euphoria, so instead of feeling happy, his manic periods were marked by agitation, anxiety, and irritability. So he sang between that and depression, which all just looked like depression really. Anyway, my point is, he probably needs a cocktail of meds including a mood stabilizer.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for my typos
* explained to us
* swung between that and depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Don’t fall into the weed trap- small amounts may mimic an anti-depressant but large amounts may worsen depression. Why did he originally stop taking anti-depressants? I would insist on a psychiatrist and anti-depressants, once he is stabilized let him discuss marijuana use with his doctor.

OP again. We just discussed it, and I said I would be okay if he saw both a psychiatrist and counselor, and they recommended cannabis as a treatment. He seemed not too thrilled about the idea and keeps talking about research on THC and depression. I feel like he’s trying to convince me it’s okay for him to self-diagnose and self medicate.

We also talked about his work and his boss has been very frustrated with him the last 3-4 months. He says she has unreasonable expectations, but I’m now worried he’s failing at work and could possibly lose his job.

Yeah, absolutely not to this. He needs to see professional(s) and you need to see something in writing medically recommending and/or prescribing cannabis.

[Anonymous]

OP this is so hard. Your spouse seems so comfortable with you and it is great you can discuss it together. I’m living something similar to this with a spouse who is depressed/anxious but one denial.

It is easy for others to say what he should do, and what you should do to make him do it. Dealing with it myself, I know it isn’t that easy, not at all.

Im right there with you OP. Trying to understand, support and let him know his mental health a major concern. It is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Don’t fall into the weed trap- small amounts may mimic an anti-depressant but large amounts may worsen depression. Why did he originally stop taking anti-depressants? I would insist on a psychiatrist and anti-depressants, once he is stabilized let him discuss marijuana use with his doctor.

OP. I completely forgot to mention that. He is still on his anti depressants, but has been talking about how he misses the “highs” of his more manic periods. He recognizes that the medication levels him out overall so his lows aren’t as bad but he wants the highs again. This is very concerning to me, and I’m worried he’ll go off his meds without the guidance of a doctor.

He sure sounds bipolar to me. There's bipolar 1, with severe manic periods, and bipolar 2, with less severe manic periods. And to confuse matters more, my ex-H was diagnosed with bipolar 2 even though he never had "up" periods, and it was explained to is that he experienced dysphoria instead of euphoria, so instead of feeling happy, his manic periods were marked by agitation, anxiety, and irritability. So he sang between that and depression, which all just looked like depression really. Anyway, my point is, he probably needs a cocktail of meds including a mood stabilizer.

OP. This is interesting. The weird thing is I’ve never really noticed any swings. He’s never irritated or anxious. I’ve never even seen him angry. All I noticed is that once in awhile he’ll get really into a hobby, and once in awhile he’ll spend more time sleeping and will give up things like working out. I didn’t even know he was feeling swings until he told me.

I wonder if part of the problem is he has only seen a GP for anti depressants. He should probably see an actual psychiatrist instead.

[Anonymous]

Medications and especially weed are a crutch. He needs to get his ass to the gym and lift. Best thing you can do is go with him to the gym to encourage him to do it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce