Appropriate age for boys to stop going into the locker room with their moms at the pool?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people missing the points here.

First, for all the people who say, "I make him change in a stall, hold up a towel, etc." - that isn't the issue, or even the main issue. He still is around when other women and girls are changing - some of them his classmates, some of them a little older, some of them just hitting puberty. Those girls have every right to be expect to be able to change without members of the opposite sex seeing them. Like it or not, American culture prioritizes modesty from the opposite sex. Complaining that Americans are prudes doesn't change that. The rules are different for very little kids, and in my opinion, the 5 and below pools have hit it right, but regardless of where the line is, there needs to be a line.

As for "I can't send him to change in the mens room alone, what else am I supposed to do?" - holy crap. First, there are obviously options - coming in your swimwear being the obvious one. But more fundamentally, you don't have the right to flout the rules or make people uncomfortable imply because you don't like the setup. Males go one way, females go the other, unless very young. If your kid is older than the cutoff, then *you* need to figure out a way to deal with it without making people uncomfortable or breaking the rules. "I don't have a choice" is complete nonsense. [/quote

So what would you suggest a mother of a transgender child too who was born with male parts but identifies and has been living her life as a female since she was 4?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is on the swim team, and 90% of the time he gets changed at home and arrives at the pool already ready to go. However this is mostly just out of convenience. If he does happen to change at the pool, I'd absolutly let him come into the locker room with me. The boys typically wear 'Jammers' which are similar to tight-fitting bike shorts, and he has a tough time putting them on occasionally and needs help.

How old is he?

He's 7. Some of the older kids even have a hard time with the jammers, they're difficult. Obviously they don't go into the women's locker room for help, but...if your kid is in a rush, it's surprising how difficult it can be.

BTDT

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Are you really suggesting if you had a boy age 3-4 ("older than toddler") you would send him into a mens' changing room alone?

No, but I would have him change at home or in the car or even just under a towel, not out in the open in the women's locker room with his privates on full display. I felt bad for the kid, he was obviously embarrassed when he realize a girl from his class was seeing him naked and noticed my daughter staring. I was shocked his mother didn't care.

Why do you need to change at the pool at all? Get ready at home. Ride home in a suit after drying off, shower at home. What’s the big deal?

+100. What is with you people? You know your kid will survive a 10-minute car ride home in a damp suit, right?

If you have a 6yo or older who can’t manage to walk from pool deck to locker room in 30 seconds as you walk the same route in the women’s room and meet on the other side, you have bigger problems than damp bathing suits. If you don’t see him in 30 seconds, you can walk into the entrance and call for him, and if you don’t hear from him after another 10 seconds, you can yell in, “I’m coming in to get my son in 5 seconds.”

My kids (girls) need to have the chlorine washed off after he pool. And i dont want wet car seats. If its only daddy taking them to the pool (2 and 5) they do a deck change in a towel.

“Want” is not “need.” I swam from age 6 to age 18 and was a lifeguard. If you can’t handle a brief car ride with chlorine in your hair, you can’t handle being a part of swim culture, so you might as well quit now. Wah wah wah, wet car seats? It’s called dry off, put on dry clothes or a cover up, sit on a dry towel in the car seat if you must, but really. Picky picky precious much?

Gosh this is harsh. My child has sevee excema and will break out badly after swimming in a pool. It can be painful. Better to rinse immediately.

My child has excema, too. As it is caused by ALLERGIES, and she’s not allergic to water or chlorine, she’s fine.

If the condition is so bad and you and your husband can’t figure out how to get her showered and changed in the appropriate bathroom, and she is too young to visit the appropriate bathroom by herself, oh well. You can do another activity until she is older.

[Anonymous]

The summer before kindergarten was the last time I took my son in the changing room. The summer before 1st, we came and left in suits because of the pandemic. Now after 1st, he knows lots of kids from school at the pool. He’ll be 7 in a week and he changes himself in the men’s side while I change my 4yr old.

[Anonymous]

This is why I wish all pools had showers on the decks for people to do a mandatory rinse off BEFORE getting in the pool and after if they wished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our pool clearly states on the door: boys 5 and up must use men's locker room and girl's 5 and up must use women's room.

I think this is too young. No way my son could have done this at 5. And I wouldn’t want my husband just sending my daughter into the women’s locker room at 5 either. My ten year old now boy would be fine taking care of himself, but for sure he would be uncomfortable seeing other older men change. He would probably do it once and then not again until 15 years old!

We use the family changing rooms. I appreciate those so much.

The summer my son was 5/6, we changed at home. He wasn’t ready to change alone and not dawdle or goof off in the shower too long. Now at almost 7 he has a watch so he doesn’t take too long. What is embarrassing about changing in a lock room?

[Anonymous]

I do feel like this feeds into a bigger conversation about the need for family changing rooms and bathrooms! We have three daughters and before they were old enough to go to the bathroom by themselves, anytime my husband was out and about alone with them, it was always such an annoyance. Checking if there was anyone in the women's or men's so he could go in there with them or asking a woman to keep an eye on them or having to stand watch at the door. Don't even get me started on when they were babies and barely any changing stations in the men's room! So many problems solved with family bathrooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do feel like this feeds into a bigger conversation about the need for family changing rooms and bathrooms! We have three daughters and before they were old enough to go to the bathroom by themselves, anytime my husband was out and about alone with them, it was always such an annoyance. Checking if there was anyone in the women's or men's so he could go in there with them or asking a woman to keep an eye on them or having to stand watch at the door. Don't even get me started on when they were babies and barely any changing stations in the men's room! So many problems solved with family bathrooms.

Our county rec center has 6 family changing rooms yet there is always a long line for them. I agree with the PP who suggested deck showers where you can rinse in your suit. Then we can all go change in a variety of other places including at home.

Also, manners is a big part of this. Most people won't have a problem with your 5-8 year old quickly and discretely changing in a corner of the room. Kids (or adults) who stare are bring rude and gross, as are kids who giggle because they see butts or whatever. The only time I've been offended by a kid in a locker room was a boy of about 6, possibly SN, who was commenting on people around him. That kid needed to change elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would say 5 or 6. My 6 year old daughter has begun requesting privacy at home. She certainly does not want a boy from school seeing her naked.

If you have no other options, then you change at home. You don’t traumatize little girls because of your fear that something *might* happen.

Is it inherently traumatic to see a little boy changing? I guess I'll tell the entire rest of the world that their daughters are traumatized.

No, it’s not seeing a little boy changing, it’s having a boy their age see them changing when they’d prefer privacy. My girls started asking for privacy when they were 3. By 7 they definitely did not want to be changing their clothes in front of boys, especially boys on their class at school. It’s the girls locker room, so girls should have an expectation of privacy when they are in there, just as boys should have an expectation of privacy and therefore should use the male locker room.

Okay, but OP wasn't mad that her own daughter was changing and boy walked in. She was mad that her daughter saw the boy.

I'm also pretty distressed that OP stared long enough to know whether a 7 year-old who had recently been swimming had a "turtleneck." Kids that age are not normally particularly....endowed....so OP had to look for a long time. That's the grossest part of this story.

I only saw it for about a second but I could still tell. Even if they aren't "endowed" yet it's still very obvious. Also, my daughter actually asked me afterwards why it looked so different from her baby brother's.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would say 5 or 6. My 6 year old daughter has begun requesting privacy at home. She certainly does not want a boy from school seeing her naked.

If you have no other options, then you change at home. You don’t traumatize little girls because of your fear that something *might* happen.

Is it inherently traumatic to see a little boy changing? I guess I'll tell the entire rest of the world that their daughters are traumatized.

No, it’s not seeing a little boy changing, it’s having a boy their age see them changing when they’d prefer privacy. My girls started asking for privacy when they were 3. By 7 they definitely did not want to be changing their clothes in front of boys, especially boys on their class at school. It’s the girls locker room, so girls should have an expectation of privacy when they are in there, just as boys should have an expectation of privacy and therefore should use the male locker room.

Okay, but OP wasn't mad that her own daughter was changing and boy walked in. She was mad that her daughter saw the boy.

I'm also pretty distressed that OP stared long enough to know whether a 7 year-old who had recently been swimming had a "turtleneck." Kids that age are not normally particularly....endowed....so OP had to look for a long time. That's the grossest part of this story.

I only saw it for about a second but I could still tell. Even if they aren't "endowed" yet it's still very obvious. Also, my daughter actually asked me afterwards why it looked so different from her baby brother's.

How old is your daughter? This is absolutely an age where it is past appropriate to talk about differences in bodies and cultures. I hope you explained circumcision vs intact. That there are certain cultural and religious reasons to circumcise. That being intact looks different but that the function is still the same. Just like some men have pink and some men have brown penises. Just like some women have pink nipples and others have brown. TALK to your children PLEASE.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would say 5 or 6. My 6 year old daughter has begun requesting privacy at home. She certainly does not want a boy from school seeing her naked.

If you have no other options, then you change at home. You don’t traumatize little girls because of your fear that something *might* happen.

Is it inherently traumatic to see a little boy changing? I guess I'll tell the entire rest of the world that their daughters are traumatized.

No, it’s not seeing a little boy changing, it’s having a boy their age see them changing when they’d prefer privacy. My girls started asking for privacy when they were 3. By 7 they definitely did not want to be changing their clothes in front of boys, especially boys on their class at school. It’s the girls locker room, so girls should have an expectation of privacy when they are in there, just as boys should have an expectation of privacy and therefore should use the male locker room.

Okay, but OP wasn't mad that her own daughter was changing and boy walked in. She was mad that her daughter saw the boy.

I'm also pretty distressed that OP stared long enough to know whether a 7 year-old who had recently been swimming had a "turtleneck." Kids that age are not normally particularly....endowed....so OP had to look for a long time. That's the grossest part of this story.

I only saw it for about a second but I could still tell. Even if they aren't "endowed" yet it's still very obvious. Also, my daughter actually asked me afterwards why it looked so different from her baby brother's.

How old is your daughter? This is absolutely an age where it is past appropriate to talk about differences in bodies and cultures. I hope you explained circumcision vs intact. That there are certain cultural and religious reasons to circumcise. That being intact looks different but that the function is still the same. Just like some men have pink and some men have brown penises. Just like some women have pink nipples and others have brown. TALK to your children PLEASE.

She's 7. I told her it wasn't appropriate to stare but I still explained the difference without getting too detailed.

[Anonymous]

Thankfully, in our pool - the shower stalls are at the entrance from the pool at the women's section. Lockers are furter inside in another area. You can get into the shower, change in the stall, and then exit out without ever going in the locker area where people are changing. My kids (boy and girl) would go in the shower, I would wait outside with their clothes. Once they were done I would hand them the clothes and they would dress and come out and we would leave. No one was going stark naked into the shower area. We never had any unpleasant experience.

[Anonymous]

I have an 8-year-old boy who would be so embarrassed to change in the women's locker room with me. I agree 8 is way too old. I stopped around 5 and even that felt awkward, and I'd only do it if truly necessary. The girls deserve privacy and I think both the young girls and boys would be very embarrassed to see each other changing!

However, I also get tired of moms of only young girls not being willing to stretch their imagination to the possibility of having a boy, calling them pervs (!) or otherwise not lending any empathy to the situation. We all know that moms are often the default parent, schlepping the clothes, towels, etc. and in general we would ALL prefer our young child (male or female) not be in a room full of male strangers that we can't ourselves enter (please don't compare it to the bathroom at school with all children!) It can be difficult to navigate when a mom and young son enter a situation like this and I can't just magically conjure my husband if he's not there or a family changing room if there's not one. ​Once again I have and do work around it - because the situation is tricky doesn't mean I just expect everyone else (including my embarrassed son) to deal with it. But it's a frustration to me when moms of girls don't understand that we are ALSO concerned for our child's safety and they may need our help just like your child does - not now that he's 8 really, but when 5 or 6 - absolutely. The best way I have seen someone describe it is if you wouldn't send your young girl into the men's room alone for fear for their safety, why would you expect a mom to send the same age little boy? They are young and vulnerable just like little girls!

Last - sorry for the rant - but what is with people saying what children should and shouldn't be comfortable with at certain ages and then "insulting" them by calling them special needs if they need extra care. My son is fairly independent, but not confident in brand new situations. We had a situation a few weeks ago where we got to new-to-us pool for a swim meet and the only way to enter the pool was through a large locker room. My child froze - he had never encountered this situation before because you don't have to enter through the locker room at our pool, and he just isn't a kid who feels confident in new situations like that. He also can panic and feel turned around very easily. We figured it out, but it rubs me the wrong way to hear people say that children who don't face EVERY situation head on and confident are somehow snowflakes. Also anyone using special needs as an insult is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Our gym had a unisex changing space with three stalls and showers in each of those stalls. My issue was always the number of same sex parents/kids using the unisex rooms because the parents did want to use the locker room with their kids. They didn't want their kids seeing other kids naked, even same gender. So I would wait patiently with my 5 year old for 20 minutes while these families hogged the space even though they could use the locker room. Pointing out that they should be using the locker room didn't fix a damn thing. I had no problem with taking my kid out in his swim suit during the warm weather but I was not thrilled to do the same thing during the winter when it was cold out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on how capable the kid is and it's none of your business. Also, Americans are literally the only ones in the world this uptight about kids seeing other kids naked. Could it be that your child's classmate's mom was from a different country?

Considering the boy had a "turtleneck" I would assume she's European, but I did not say anything to her so I'm not sure.

I have literally never ever ever noticed whether a child is circumcized in a locker room. EVER. I haven't looked at their genitals that closely or for that long. Also, in some STATES in America there is a very low circ rate (Washington is only 15% circ, Nevada is 12%) and more than 25% of boys in MD and VA aren't. So I definitely wouldn't come to the conclusion that this is a European thing.

I think around 7 is when typically developing kids should be able to manage on their own in the locker room but that said....my daughter would be embarrassed if she saw a classmate of the same gender naked in the locker room (she's 12) so to some degree it's just teaching them to change in private if they feel they want to and not to stare at other kids long enough to tell if they are circumcized or not....