Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, as an immigrant living in US, I witnessed some wives like yours. Frankly, I cannot relate to her. She sounds immature and resentful of you. No one made her to be a stay at home wife. There are plenty of daycares and nannies available. If a woman wants to have a professional career, nothing is stopping her. She is tired of taking care of her children? Life is WORK. Whether it is a professional job or being at home. You have to find means to feed yourself, clean after yourself, keep the roof over head. It is WORK. She only has two kids and is tired of scheduling camps or buying clothes? Lol Sounds like she is lazy and spoiled.
We women get EXHASTED and tired, but instead she wants to be passive aggressive and blame you for her unhappiness. Why do you even need to be in this kind of a marriage?

Well yes, if you don’t understand white SAHM culture in the US your experience is going to have no bearing on what OP should do. It is its own crazy world. Your comment is not helpful. It’s interesting, but not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Since you have to ask….

Too late to fight for her. You should have done that over the 20 years she ran the whole household and raised the kids herself.

The only way to fight now in this Too Little Too Late scenario is to profusely apologize and show gratitude via behaviors and actions.

OP here, perhaps I shouldn't take this response so personally but what does this mean? I worked my tail off for the family and provide a very comfortable if not wealthy existence. And I was home when I could be. She wanted to leave the workforce. I am happy to help her transition but I don't see this as my fault - or hers.

Well there you go Op.
you’ve answered your own question.
You were nothing but a paycheck and maybe present when convenient for yourself/your job. Your priorities and fecklessness are clear.
And your feigning cluelessness or attempts at victimhood at being called out and suffering the consequences of your decisions is clear as well.
Quite playing dumb. You failed.

[Anonymous]

This guy is just doubling down on his selfishness and total lack of understanding life. I hope he gets served tomorrow. He is not marriage material. Too dense. Too self centered. What a joke.

[Anonymous]

I imagine given good financial resources many couples would part to be alone post kids. A fresh start sounds heavenly. I love my husband but I’m not sure I want to careen towards death with him. There is so much I want to do yet that he has no interest in or understanding enough to give me space for. I’d not suspect an affair. It sounds like she’s ready to start over in most every way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I felt the same way. My husband worked a lot. He put work before everything and everyone. I figured if he wasn’t going to pay attention to me I may as well live alone. No affair.

It’s insulting to live with a “husband” like that. There is no team or life partner. His office work is his only life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

My DH would say the same thing. What he doesn't seem to understand (or want to understand) is that I don't want to be a "rock star." I want a parenting and life partner. I don't want to carry the emotional and mental load alone. Since he's abdicated, I do it anyway - because abdicating myself would mean the kids would suffer - and I guess my prize is being called a "rock star."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you actually want to spend time with her and make an effort to do so, or do you do what my DH does at night— which is vanish upstairs after dinner to read and watch sport’s while I interact with the kids, attend to a ton of household management needs. The resentment builds up and honestly, it wouldn’t take much to dissipate it— all he would need to do is actually be the initiator once in a while for us spending time together. So how much time over the last 20 years have you been the one to say, “let’s go on a date night, or away for a weekend, or just even take a walk”?

He wants what’s best for his external image and ego.

Look at that family man with a house, a wife, and nice kids in college. Wow, what a dad. What a husband. What a package.

Except he was none of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love her, fight like hell for her. Give her space but also step up to add more joy to her life. Give to her what she’s provided foe 2 decades.

I’m nervous for you that this is t obvious.

+100

But he doesn’t seem like the type or the values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

Of FFS, do you know how many CEOs I know who openly say that the reason for their career and life success is due to their wife. Their wife.
Their wife allows them to be a a myopic, workaholic, one trick pony allowing them to only focus on their professional work 24/7. And breeze in and out of their family life like a feather floating through a busy train station of kids, nannies, schools, sports, food, extended family, tutors, healthcare, friends, teachers, hobbies, travels, clothes, gear, vehicles, sitters/drivers, etc.

Btw, so you know the number 1 reason women don’t “reache the pinnacle of their careers and industries?” Self-centered, unsupportive, ignorant husbands who neglect them, the kids and the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

My DH would say the same thing. What he doesn't seem to understand (or want to understand) is that I don't want to be a "rock star." I want a parenting and life partner. I don't want to carry the emotional and mental load alone. Since he's abdicated, I do it anyway - because abdicating myself would mean the kids would suffer - and I guess my prize is being called a "rock star."

Such a good point. By telling you she wants to be alone, she's not telling you she wants appreciation for what she's done and is doing. She wants to stop doing it. Probably she didn't want to do it in the first place but she did it because it had to be done and no one else would. Now she's done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

This is what SAHP don’t understand.., they say they sacrificed… career, time, etc.

But working parent sacrifice too… time with kids, sleep, stress, being healthy, etc

People that play the suffering olympics will always lose.

Millions of dual income working parents disprove this every day.

You either work and know wtf is going on with your kids, spouse and house or you check out and just work at the office. Your actions speak louder than your belated words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be a woman in your 40s. It is. Not saying it isn't hard to be man in your 40s. But that's another post.

OP, what do YOU want? Do you want to separte and divorce?

Have you asked her what this REALLY means? Does she want to be alone temporarily? forever? just sometimes?

Would it help if she had a small space to herself (a tiny house in the country? an apartment in the city?) that she could go a couple days a week? Does she need more alone time on a daily/weekly/yearly basis?

My parent have been married a LONG time. But they also spend time apart when my mom goes to do things, or just do alone time in another state. My dad visits, but it is her place, for her comfort.

There may be creative and better ways to make this work than just her leaving. You might have to start with her taking 3-6 months alone - and then she maybe will reset, recharge, and return.

BTW, do you have kids? If so, how old are they?

two kids, 11 and 14

Then start acting like it. Start behaving like you’re raising kids Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, just going back to work doesn't sound like she wants to leave you. It just sounds like she is done with being SAHM and needs something to live for. You brought up moving out, not her. She said I don't know. Don't bluff. Don't ask her to do something you don't really want.

I don’t think he emotionally connects with people on a personal level. He’s lost that skill in order to talk shop and be transactional at work. He neglected his family. For years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she also plans to leave the 11 and 14 "year olds behind?!

I've been a WOHM and I've been a SAHM. It sounds like she lost her identity to being a mom. It happens. COVID probably heightened that awareness and now she has a lot of regrets. I definitely suggest marriage counseling. Can you take some time off at work?

My answer would be different if your kids were older, but a mom willing to leave her kid behinds hints at a much bigger issue than burnt out and regret. She needs things to change and a counselor will. Hopefully help you guys figure out how to do that

Leaving kids and not thinking about kids during an affair is the height of selfishness, “my needs” only. Lots of people like this. They use the “kids are better why I am happy” BS.

She never said she’s moving out. That was HIS only response to her confiding how unhappy she is with the current roles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHW, OP. I feel this way at least 5 out of 7 days but I work to tamp down those feelings because I know DH and kids are depending on me. Everyone desires financial and family stability but no educated person wants to focus on serving others -- even beloved children or partners -- in a menial capacity for decades. If your DW could enjoy nearly the same standard of living without having to live the lackey life, why would she not try to seize the chance to change? She does not care about the cleanliness of your underwear or your latest squabble with a colleague, and is tired of pretending.

Triple this if you are rarely saying thank you, or showing gratitude or appreciation or even listening to her daily.