Reply to Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, it doesn’t quite matter if you are the only child in this situation. I have a brother, and both of us moved to the US 20 years ago. It takes me about 24 hours to get to my parents’ home, including 15 hours on the plane. Over the years, I invited our parents to come live with us multiple times. They always refused as they were happy with their independent life where they don’t need to care for any kids or grandkids. My mom used to repeat that when one of them passes away, the other one will come live with us. Now she is bed-ridden in a nursing home with dementia, can’t even sit after a recent fall. My father is in his early 80s, still active, and I’d be so happy if he could come and live with us, but of course it’s not an option while my mom is still alive. He visits her a couple of times a week and hopes that she will get better and will return home one day. Her physical condition is decent, she might live for 10 more years. We have no relatives in my hometown. When I was young (maybe 20), I told my mom how I wish our relatives lived close to us and it would have been so much fun to get together as a large family, she said I’m welcome to start a large family of my own, get a lot of kids and keep them  and their families nearby. [/quote]

Don't you think it is a little ironic or galling for you to tell your mom that you wish your family lived close to each other when you are the one one who moved away??

Don't put this on them. You had a home and family and moved somewhere where you did not. Now you are acting like it is their fault (and quite inconvenient) that they will not die close to you. Time for some introspection. [/quote] Oh no, my story is different. Initially I moved because my parents pretty much forced me to do so, I was no longer allowed to live with them. Any time I mentioned to my parents how I miss my hometown and want to come back, they said that I shouldn’t even think about it because the larger city where I moved had so many more opportunities. Then I met my husband in that larger city, he got a job in the US, and we came here. My parents didn’t want their kids and grandkids to live near them. [/quote]

How did your parents force you to move and why were you no longer allowed to live with or near them? And why didn't they want their kids and grandkids to live near them?[/quote] When I was little, my mom used to repeat that she is only obligated to provide for me financially until I turn 18. When I turn 18, I was supposed to start helping them. When I was 16 or so, she started telling me that there is nothing mine in their house, that the sofa I was sitting on was hers because I didn’t buy it. She also screamed at me for no reason every day. It was just impossible to live with her and my dad in that 1-bedroom apartment. So I had to rent my own apartment across the street and realized that I would never be able to buy a place of my own if I stay in my hometown. Inflation was at least 100% a year, any savings evaporated right away, and there was no mortgage available in my home country at that time. People either inherited apartments from relatives, lived with their parents/grandparents until they die or sold an inherited apartment and bought a new one. So if I wanted a place of my own, I had 2 options - intentionally marry a guy who had a house or move to the large city, make more money, save and come back to buy a place in my hometown. The difference in salaries was very significant.

As to why they didn’t want us near them - because they put our pictures all over the place and told their friends how cute their grandkids are and too bad they can’t spend time with them. They just really didn’t want to help with the grandkids, and if we lived nearby, their friends would have been quite judgmental for them not helping, since all of their friends were very active in their grandkids’ lives and it’s just culturally expected there. However, if we are not around, it’s a great excuse to focus on themselves 24 hours a day. [/quote]

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