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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now. [/quote]

Your whole post is you centric.  “I, I, I, I”.  “Me, me, me” No we.  No mention of your children beyond that they exist.

Expand and include your wife and children into your thoughts.  It isn’t all about you.  You chose to marry, you chose to have three children.  They should be the priorities in your life.

The fear you have of being an outsider in her hometown is what your wife has been living for your entire marriage.

Try to see things from your wife’s point of view and not yours.
Try to see things from your children’s point of view, not yours.

What is best your your children?

How many hours are you away from your house each day?  Including work, commute, gym...... What family activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis?  What couple activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis?  Are your work hours consistent? How often are their family dinners each week?  What time do you leave in the am, what time do you get home?  (Normally, not Covid times)

[/quote]

I noticed this as well.

I also want to move back to my hometown (not a small town, a fairly large midwestern city of about 1.5 million), and my husband wants to stay here.  One of the things that really bothers me is that he really doesn't spend very much time with the kids and I, and it doesn't really feel like we are his top priority.  It feels like he wants us here, waiting for him, so that he can be with us when it fits into the cracks and crevices of his life.  The expectation is that I will give up any of my own dreams, plans, relationships, etc. in my own life in order to be there in the background of his life.

And I do think the kids would do better with grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and close friends, rather than just them and me all of the time.  
[/quote]

This is exactly what my husband has done. I’m 59, kids are grown. I let him and I should not have. He’s just as selfish now. I’m here to cover for him re: the sick dog so he can take his 6 hour bike rides. I can see the tension when I say I’m going out for the day or meeting friends - his mental cogs are turning about the restrictions on his own freedom. I told him I’m leaving in March for our vacation place where my family is in Spring and I’ll be back end of summer. He can file if he so chooses.[/quote]

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