Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
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Anonymous
| 2 careers, 3 kids. We are in a pandemic, and all 3 kids are home, and we are still working, and managing virtual school and a 3 year old. The only reason we can do this is because we both have flexible jobs and schedules and because we work from home. One works for the federal government, one works non-profit. We make 225K. The secret, in my opinion, is to find a job where you can work from home sometimes/all the time, and have 2 jobs that are flexible - meaning you can work at night sometimes, that you can easily take off for appointments, that neither parent is traveling tons and tons. And, reduce the commute if you can. This all makes having children and working doable and - most importantly - enjoyable. |
Anonymous
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FT WOHM (during non-pandemic times) of two with HHI of $325 (less when my first was born) here who is most certainly not miserable nor exhausted. Here's what makes my life work:
1) When my older DC was 1.5 I switched jobs. The new (and still my current) job is low stress and flexible. I leave my work at the office door everyday at 4:30 (I don't even so much as check emails in the evening). This job change is the number one key to my current happines above all else. I truly enjoy my job and it's still in my field, requires my advanced degree, etc. , but a more ambitious or career-oriented person than myself might not be as fulfilled. (It's also a very intellectual, cerebral kind of position.) I did forgo a lot of earning potential. Again, no regrets, but YMMV. 2) DH is an amazing husband and father -- he does a fair and equitable portion of household and childcare taks. It is not 50/50 -- I do more -- but it is absoltuely fair given that DH works much longer and more stressful hours and has a longer commute. He genuinely wants to spend time with the family and contribute; I don't need to "ask for his help' or "nag" or blah blah. 3) Great childcare. We did a nanny share for my first -- actually quite affordable and worked out nicely, and our own nanny when the second came around plus part-time preschool mixed in too. This was certainly expensive, but worth every penny, and the childcare years of course don't last forever. Our nanny is an angel! And if something falls through on the childcare front, my job is flexible (see number 1) such that it is NBD if I need to take off. Our nanny is also pretty much always available to babysit for date nights, etc. I do not have any family nearby, but thanks to numbers 1-3 combined, it's fine. 4) Sleep training -- at 4 months we began sleep training both of my DCs, and by 6 months for the first, and 7 months for the 2nd, they were sleeping through the night with no regressions since. I actually get more sleep as a parent than I did before because now I prioritize it. 5) Outsourcing - we have a bi-weekly cleaning lady and have used grocery delivery since my first was born. Lots of amazon delivery too, and I'm a great meal planner. Responses on threads like these skew to the miserable. I have a circle of working-mom friends who are similarly happy and found their own recipe for making it work. Obviously, $$ helps. I'd love more time for hobbies, to read, etc., but that will resume again in another season of my life... |
Anonymous
Didn’t realize sending your kids to school/daycare was called outsourcing parenting. You seem jealous. I would love to be able to spend my 4 hours a day with my kids just hanging out and not doing the dinner / pickup / commute scramble. |
Anonymous
Yes you are being dramatic and sort of precious about this. People do this every single day, hundreds of thousands of them. Are you only comfortable when things are perfect? Are you intolerant of any sort of disruption? Then definitely do not have a baby. |
Anonymous
The key part to the above schedule is BOTH partners are involved and work together to make this work. It can be hard at times, but its not awful all of the time. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| LOL! $200K is a lot of money. You hire a nanny or you send your child to daycare. It's not hard. |
Anonymous
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It sucks. I have a 10 and 8 year olds. No family in area. DH and both work. I'm telling you pre kids I was type A strong networker, I was really successful. Now I could care less about my job I just need to make x amt and have to stop working at x time during the wks to carpool duty. Both our kids are travel sports and it's one parent per kid. I have a boy and girl who are really different and my son has ADHD. Let me tell you it's harder when they are older. All that lean in stuff is bullshit. All the families I know either have hired help or family to help. Or one parent stays home or PT. There is NO way we could do this without one of us having great flexibility and we both have signed up for it meaning we have financial stability but neither of us have upward career mobility. One of us could but the other world not be able to. Flexibility is paramount.
I also know parents who outsource help to the point their kid has separation anxiety since it's so rare seeing their parent. I don't think it's worth it personally. When they are young it's easier esp if you have money. I had 2 nannies incl one who overnight our kids on weekends if we needed some time. It was glorious. But now older you can do sleepovers and such. But it's also harder since you can't just have someone take care of them - you're gonna have to cook all the meals yourself! Lol I think for some people parenting is easier than others. For us it's really hard and miserable. We make a ton of money but after camps, family vacations, activities, pvt school, we always seem to be screaming at our lack of funds. It depends on your kids too. We were lucky in certain ways - our kids are great sleepers for example. No potty training drama, no allergies, etc. but it's always something with a kid just remember. Our kids seem great but for us it's picky eating. It's ADHD. It's a strong willed kid. Have kids and enjoy them as we love ours but know it takes a village and living near family who may help you is priceless. The early years are easier even though you won't believe me now. Hire help and you'll be fine but plan for the older years before 14, 15 when you really have to be around and even later in teens when it's so important to mentally be there even if physically they are fine on own. |
Anonymous
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I understand your anxiety, but you will adapt as everyone else does. Your life will change dramatically with your first and much less with subsequent children (because your life will already be geared toward a child).
I used to have so much time for myself, we used to party at night, stay up late watching movies, meeting friends on weekend etc. you will still be able to do all those things, but it will require preparation. When kids are little especially, you will have to plan a lot and you won’t be able to be spontaneous much. You will be fine, everyone does it... try to get as much help as you can (even if you stay at home) for the first couple of months... |
Anonymous
My kids have turned out great. They do well in school, they are social, their mental health is great, they are self-motivated and chilled. They have lots of adults around them at home. While they don't need to do anything to help at home if they choose, they are actually quite self-sufficient in adulting too thanks to my mom (can cook, clean, do laundry, drive car, iron clothes, manage their medical appointments). All of this worked because I had my mom living with me and she could supervise my home, and I mommy tracked and got a flexible job. We were very lucky that things worked out for us and there were no special circumstance or dysfunction to derail all of this. We prioritized kids, family and continuation of my career. We compromised majorly on where we lived, our lifestyle, our savings and having a multi-generational household. |
Anonymous
What percentage of working moms have left the workforce since the start of this pandemic? Yeah! We all are doing the best that we can because there are no govt and corporate policies to make things better for parents and women. Sorry, I am not going to defend my desire to continue working or parent my kids the way I parented. I am wholly satisfied with having my kids at home with a nanny and my mom. Yes, I could have saved thousands if I would have let my mom babysit my kids, but I did not want to tax my mom at her age. The fact that there were two or three people to look after my kids and my house, and my mom had to only supervise with a lot of help was great for my family. In fact , it also helped my DH because he had the flexibility of getting more career enhancing credentials even after we had two kids. However, all of this cost us a lot of money to outsource and we did have to dial down on material things like expensive home or expensive cars etc. |
Anonymous
I don't think it's really easy to hire a nanny on $200K pre-tax. You are paying the nanny at least $40K for full time. You can do it for a few years but won't have a lot left for savings or extras. Daycare is fine, but I don't think it makes things easy. The drop-off/ pick-up takes extra time in the day, and it's hard when the child gets sick and you have to stay home from work. You don't have a lot of time left over each day to manage all of the household things, so then you outsource cleaning, and that costs more money. It works out for most families, but I wouldn't say it's all easy. |
Anonymous
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We had no student loans, credit card debit, or car payments. We spent half of what we could on a house. I changed jobs 3 years prior to having the kid because my old company’s maternity leave was a joke. I used a daycare in the neighborhood instead of a nanny and live across the street from the elementary school. I’m fully remote (regardless of pandemic), so no commute. I built a gym in the house so I can work out during my lunch breaks.
It was a lot of planning in the years leading up. Don’t let people make you feel bad for asking these questions and trying to sort out your lifestyle. You’re being smart and making sure you don’t put yourself and your family in a bad or unhappy position. |