Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?
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Anonymous
Wow. DH is getting a pretty good deal here. And still wants DW to quit. This is the main reason you keep your job, OP. Otherwise they really will suck it all out of you. |
Anonymous
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We've for twin three-year-olds. Money isn't the problem. Support is. If you don't have other family in the area, it is incredibly hard to have kids in this area. Even before COVID, daycares are quick to send kids home for minor illnesses. What are you going to do those days?
COVID has obviously made it 20 times worse, but it was horrible before. Everyone says you find a way to deal with the logstics. And I suppose that's true, but not without hating your spouse, hating your kids, and pretty much hating life in general. The region's response to COVID just made it even more clear that no one cares about working parents. People really think it'd ok to shut down daycares for a couple months? Or schools for 18 months? Really? I get it's a pandemic, but it's telling that bars and churches opened before schools. Unless you have family in the area, don't do it. If you want kids, move elsewhere first. |
Anonymous
What? Neither is getting a good deal. And the writing is definitely female “rinse and repeat” OP we left the DMV when our kids were 3 and 7 precisely because of this schedule which would have gotten worse with both of us working when kids hit MS. Out of my moms group which was all dual working houses, half moved away, another quarter started SAH, and the remaining quarter had flexible jobs that worked even better as their kids got older. |
Anonymous
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Wow, reading the responses here and very much glad that I realized extremely early on that both parents working at FT, in-office jobs, with no family nearby and not enough income to afford FT+ care, would suck.
I left my FT job after my first was born. Was not the original plan, but was looking down the gun at the kinds of schedules people have described in this thread, had PPD, and didn't like my job that much. It was hard on one income for a bit but we made it. I never had any intention of being a fully SAHM -- I just didn't want to be FT in an office 40 hours a week with a job that was going to be annoyed at me for leaving at a specific time in order to pick up my infant child from the daycare I didn't really like that much but was what was available and that we could afford. I picked up contract work here and there for about a year, not much income but when you added it to our savings from not doing any childcare at all, it really wasn't bad. Second year was harder because a mobile toddler who doesn't nap as much is much harder to care for while also doing freelance work. At that point I had to find part time childcare, which took some work but was doable. Then by the third year, I had a fully flexible job working anywhere from 15-20 hours a week, plus a good set up with about 10 hours a week of childcare. I make up the difference in the evenings and weekends, which is fine because my DH, who works a normal 9-5, is very involved and also very committed to me staying employed, and enjoys that time with his kid. Soon child will be in PK, which since we live in DC will be free. Thanks to my flexible schedule and PT status, we don't expect to need to pay for before or aftercare, so our childcare costs will go to zero (save for the occasional babysitter for date nights since, again, no local family or other options). As my kid gets older and needs me less, I'd like to work on my career more and see if I can step up the kind of work I do to demand higher rates and also just get to work on more interesting projects. I am fortunate to have a couple women in my field how both hire me for a lot of work and serve as mentors -- they are both working moms with much older kids and have been absolutely a lifeline through all of this. Through Covid in particular, when our childcare shut down for months and I was kind of losing my mind, they showed me a lot of grace and kindness and helped make sure that I didn't become one of the many women who had to drop out of the workforce altogether thanks to Covid. I am so grateful to them. I have zero regrets about any of this. It's worked out about as well as it possibly could have, which is ignoring some pretty tough times (mostly the financial stuff in that second year of my kid's life when I was struggling to find time to work and also trying to find reliable PT childcare that fit our budget and it was very challenging). But as others have mentioned, I always kept my eyes on my long-term goal, which was a meaningful but highly flexible job so that I always have my own income but also the ability to really be there for my kid. We are on the fence about a second kid. If we do it, we kind of have to do it now because if I ramp up my career and then get pregnant, the timing will suck. I think we are probably just going to stick with one, but you never know. |
Anonymous
| It is really really difficult, but worth it if you like children. I love my two so much! Having young children almost broke me pre- COVID, though, mostly because my DH has to work late and on weekends. I managed to get my work hours down to 40/hrs a week. Life got better when I began teleworking 2x a week and DH 1x week, leaving us with only 2x week we had to scramble to make daycare pickup and dropoff. I sometimes ended up taking an hour of leave on those days (as I have more job flexibility than DH). Now that my youngest is almost 2 and our daycare finally reopened, life is a bit easier (though still need to work after kid bedtime to make up hours as there is no option for aftercare). I plan to cut my hours when we eventually have to do pickup and dropoff at schools in different neighborhoods. We live in an apartment and can't afford a nanny, but the house/nanny route has worked best for dual professional families I know who don't have close by family support. |
Anonymous
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It’s hard but doable. We hosted a nanny share for the first two years which made a huge difference (expensive but easier).
Part of the reason we only have one child is to manage it all. If you can afford a babysitter, au pair, nanny even when your child is in preschool it’ll all go much more smoothly. I’m also in a “mommy track” position which helps a lot (though long term I might regret it). It’s nice to remain full-time and have an income and a family. But it’s hard and we’ve made trade offs. |
Anonymous
| How many hours do you both work per week OP? How flexible are jobs? |
Anonymous
DH exactly 40 hours, commute 30 min each way. Me ~45 hours, commute 45 min. We can both set our hours to some extent but also both client facing so only as much as clients are willing to accommodate. |
Anonymous
| We have a 6 y.o and 2 y.o and both work and have no local family. It's totally fine (I mean, we are busy and it's hard work but we didn't expect having kids would involve much sitting on the beach, sipping margaritas). The KEY is that both of us have flexible schedules. We both work a lot but can almost control our schedules fully except for morning meetings and an occasional afternoon meeting. Our hhi is $300k and we had kids in our late 30's though. In non-covid times, we employed a nanny ($60k) and had no other help except cleaners twice a month. In covid times, we have literally had no help except cleaners every 2-3 months. We are both healthy and energetic, which I think makes a big difference. We never had the kids in a million activities (only one each), and plan to continue that after things normalize. We live close in but in a rowhouse condo, so no big house and yard, and our kids will go to public school (DCPS). |
Anonymous
| We only have one kid, but had two FT jobs when he was an infant. It was hard. We went to work fairly early in the morning, picked him up as soon as we could, and enjoyed our evenings. We had no family help as they aren't nearby and we had a great in home daycare. But the slog got to me fairly quickly. It got worse when he was diagnosed with SN at 2 and needed early interventions. We were able to make it work for about a year, but after that I was just losing it weekly. I ended up going PT with work and have been that way for five years now. It works out well and we manage better with one of PT and living close to school. DH has about a 45 min commute (not right now) and I work at home. I realize I'm really lucky, but I think one of the halfway decent things to come out of Covid is that more arrangements like this will be possible. |
Anonymous
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No, not with a great nanny and a husband/partner who assumes 50% of the household and kid responsibilities.
With daycare and a husband from the 1950s - yes. |
Anonymous
| It does all sound scary before it happens. By 12 weeks postpartum (when I returned to work), I slept 8 hours straight. I did a dream feed at 11pm and then baby slept until about 7:30. It does take time to structure your life around kids. We both chose a house right down the street from work. And we have a great inhome daycare that always has our backs in case of emergency. It’s open on snow days and most small holidays. And bonus it was half what other daycares cost. Our kids haven’t been as pricey as you would think. |
Anonymous
| We went to one income, down from 225 to 125. Was the best thing we did for our happiness and quality of life. We lived here n a small two bedroom with no car until the kids were 6 and 8. It’s been a lovely, relaxed and happy life. |
Anonymous
A couple making $200k isn't going to be hiring a nanny in the DC. Come on. |
Anonymous
I sound like a Californian with that "the DC" term. I meant to say the DC region. |