Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?

[Anonymous]

21:06 again. It's possible for kids to wake up during the night for a long time. If you can normally fall asleep easily, then this should not be a big deal. You just need to allocate 9 hours per night for sleep and settling kids back down and you should be able to get 7.5-8 hours nightly in two or max. three chunks.

[Anonymous]

I lucked out. It isn't hard because I work a 35 hour a week, well-paid WFH job.

[Anonymous]

At that income, you have choices. The vast majority of people don't. I'm a single parent so not working is not a choice. In a way, it's easier when you don't have a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a 6 y.o and 2 y.o and both work and have no local family. It's totally fine (I mean, we are busy and it's hard work but we didn't expect having kids would involve much sitting on the beach, sipping margaritas). The KEY is that both of us have flexible schedules. We both work a lot but can almost control our schedules fully except for morning meetings and an occasional afternoon meeting. Our hhi is $300k and we had kids in our late 30's though. In non-covid times, we employed a nanny ($60k) and had no other help except cleaners twice a month. In covid times, we have literally had no help except cleaners every 2-3 months. We are both healthy and energetic, which I think makes a big difference. We never had the kids in a million activities (only one each), and plan to continue that after things normalize. We live close in but in a rowhouse condo, so no big house and yard, and our kids will go to public school (DCPS).

Lol. It's fine to have kids in the DC region provided you both have flexible jobs making $300k and can hire a nanny for $60/year. What's the big deal, OP?

[Anonymous]

And don't assume you'll have a normal kid, OP. Things sucked when my kids were younger, but at least we had a stable situation with daycare. As one got older, we discovered he has ASD and now needs intensive therapy throughout the week. No family, my spouse doesn't have a flexible job, so it's all on me to shuttle him around while also working full-time.

If I could go back in time I definitely would not have had kids.

[Anonymous]

You make $200k and you're worried? We made half that 5 years ago when we had our son. It was fine. We just had less choices than those with more money and/or family nearby.

We chose to live in the burbs, used a home daycare, and my maternity leave was only the 6 weeks of STD. Was it ideal? No. Did it work? Absolutely. DC was also a premie, so we had therapies and early intervention and all that fun stress the first two years, but kid is now a thriving 5 year old.

I'm not trying to diminish the very real concerns over the changes a child brings to life--they are many! But you can always choose to change jobs or lean out or move closer to family down the road if that makes more sense. Babies generally come one at a time, so you aren't going to be responsible for 3 schedules and childcare payments and extra curriculuars all at once. You grow into it and it works itself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You make $200k and you're worried? We made half that 5 years ago when we had our son. It was fine. We just had less choices than those with more money and/or family nearby.

We chose to live in the burbs, used a home daycare, and my maternity leave was only the 6 weeks of STD. Was it ideal? No. Did it work? Absolutely. DC was also a premie, so we had therapies and early intervention and all that fun stress the first two years, but kid is now a thriving 5 year old.

I'm not trying to diminish the very real concerns over the changes a child brings to life--they are many! But you can always choose to change jobs or lean out or move closer to family down the road if that makes more sense. Babies generally come one at a time, so you aren't going to be responsible for 3 schedules and childcare payments and extra curriculuars all at once. You grow into it and it works itself out.

Yes. This! You figure it out as you go. The biggest question to answer is whether you want children at all. The details come out in the wash.

[Anonymous]

We have 2 kids, live in DC proper, and a HHI of $270k. We both work jobs with normal 40 hr. weeks, and I WFH 2 days/week (pre-covid). We have short commutes and are within walking distance of schools. When they were little we used day care (not a nanny). We don't have family nearby to help but have developed a network of friends that support us when we need it. We feel comfortable, we sleep normal hours, and we are generally happy.

I say all of this as a counter to the people who say being a working parent is terrible and that it's not possible to do it in DC with a salary under $500k. It can be done.

OP-- I think the key factors to look at is whether your husband will be an equal partner, how flexible your jobs are, what your commutes are like, and what your normal stress level is. Kids certainly make your life busier, but I know a lot of people who make parenting a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

It is as you describe it.
You are wise for your age.

[Anonymous]

One kid is totally fine and two kids can be as well if you have some flexibility for hours and work from home. Get a daycare convenient to your home. Value short commutes and simplicity over space and fancy baby stuff. We live in a cramped apartment with two kids because it saves time and money, and instead enjoy (pre covid but even some during covid) living in a fun, walkable neighborhood near the (free) zoo with lots of fun (free) playgrounds and interesting (free) museums and (free) kids activities. If school opens, it's 1 block away and 2 blocks from daycare for the other kid. We found a basic daycare with good teachers (though have a nanny for covid) and skipped the bilingual and Montessori options that were several hundred dollars more a month. I spend way more time with my kids than people who have longer commutes. I had friends who picked their kids up at 6 and put them to bed at 7. I'd leave work at 4, am daycare before 4.30, and then walk home with a stop at the park . Oh and we spend no time on yard work and minimal time on apartment maintenence and have one car (used Toyota, which probably doesn't surprise you given my other responses) we park on the street.

[Anonymous]

What brand of smoke do you smoke that you think earning $100,000 is not enough for a family of three?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What brand of smoke do you smoke that you think earning $100,000 is not enough for a family of three?

Are you aware of what childcare and housing cost in this area?

[Anonymous]

I’ll address your sleep issue because that hit home for me. I had twins and was lucky enough to have sick leave to take 14 weeks off after they were born. By 12 weeks they were sleeping 12 hours a night (no crying it out, for those who want to say I must have abused my children to make that happen), so I had two weeks worth of 8-9 hours a night before I returned to work. So, my advice for you on that front would be to make sure you have enough leave for a good maternity leave and work on a sleep schedule starting when they’re around 8 weeks old so you can slowly wean them from nighttime feedings. And yes, it’s hard, but like with most things, your life will find a way to adapt to your new normal.

[Anonymous]

OP, we’re a dual-income family and the biggest thing that has helped us make it through kids is having a husband who truly does at least 50% of the work. Sometimes he does 100% if I can’t (traveling, working long hours, etc.). Everyone I know who is miserable has a husband who doesn’t help out, and that includes SAHMs, believe it or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, get ready for people to tell you you’re going to be sleep deprived and miserable no matter what you do.

I was nervous about having kids, for a lot of the same reasons you are. Everyone told me you never sleep, it’s so hard, you never get time alone, how will you possible do things you love? It was really weird how much negativity there was around being a parent. When I was pregnant and hated being pregnant people said “oh just wait it’s going to get so much worse”. When he was a calm, sweet baby they said, “oh just wait until he crawls”. Then he crawled and it was so much fun, and they said “oh just wait until he walks, THEN you’ll be miserable”. Then when I wasn’t miserable, they said well wait until he starts taking, preschool, elementary school, teenagers.... And on and on.

I’m not sleep deprived or miserable, but a lot of people for some reason want to tell you that you will be. It’s really weird.