Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not miserable at all. Key factors:
- WFH 2x a week, fairly flexible hours the rest of the week to avoid traffic
- A great nanny, and a Mom nearby who could be around and help

Oh, AND
- An equal partner with respect to childcare and housework

+1
I have been able to work remotely for years. My mom lives with us and I have a cleaning lady who comes twice a week and a cooking/prep lady who comes for 3 hours on the weekend.

When kids were little, a nanny came and worked under the eagle eye of my mom. When they were 3 years old, we put them in a montessori school (paid full time, but used it 1/2 day for socialization only). Nanny came for part of the day. Mom supervised. I had basically 4 backups for childcare. Me, my mom, nanny and montessori school.

DH is very involved dad and does not hesitate to help or to she'll the money out to outsource.

Kids are in HS now, and I still have the cleaning lady come. My cooking person now cooks and delivers...slightly more work and inconvenience during the pandemic but no where near what employed people without childcare are facing.

Oh, also, for very long time, all my earnings was going towards paying for help...All. this was for years. We do not live in an expensive neighborhood of MoCo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 6 y.o and 2 y.o and both work and have no local family. It's totally fine (I mean, we are busy and it's hard work but we didn't expect having kids would involve much sitting on the beach, sipping margaritas). The KEY is that both of us have flexible schedules. We both work a lot but can almost control our schedules fully except for morning meetings and an occasional afternoon meeting. Our hhi is $300k and we had kids in our late 30's though. In non-covid times, we employed a nanny ($60k) and had no other help except cleaners twice a month. In covid times, we have literally had no help except cleaners every 2-3 months. We are both healthy and energetic, which I think makes a big difference. We never had the kids in a million activities (only one each), and plan to continue that after things normalize. We live close in but in a rowhouse condo, so no big house and yard, and our kids will go to public school (DCPS).

Lol. It's fine to have kids in the DC region provided you both have flexible jobs making $300k and can hire a nanny for $60/year. What's the big deal, OP?

Well, OP is making $200k HHI now, we were under that when we started our family. The "target market" in this post is not low income. By the way, I grew up poor (though never hungry, etc.) and my parents had two kids and both worked. Different context, though, so I didn't mention how they figured it out.

Anyway, someone else mentioned special needs. I think health is a huge factor, both the parents' and the kids' and this includes mental health.

But above all, as yet another PP noted, if you really want kids, you should have them. And if you don't, you should not. This is not a calculation you can make the way you decide whether or not to buy a particular car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not miserable at all. Key factors:
- WFH 2x a week, fairly flexible hours the rest of the week to avoid traffic
- A great nanny, and a Mom nearby who could be around and help

Oh, AND
- An equal partner with respect to childcare and housework

+1
I have been able to work remotely for years. My mom lives with us and I have a cleaning lady who comes twice a week and a cooking/prep lady who comes for 3 hours on the weekend.

When kids were little, a nanny came and worked under the eagle eye of my mom. When they were 3 years old, we put them in a montessori school (paid full time, but used it 1/2 day for socialization only). Nanny came for part of the day. Mom supervised. I had basically 4 backups for childcare. Me, my mom, nanny and montessori school.

DH is very involved dad and does not hesitate to help or to she'll the money out to outsource.

Kids are in HS now, and I still have the cleaning lady come. My cooking person now cooks and delivers...slightly more work and inconvenience during the pandemic but no where near what employed people without childcare are facing.

Oh, also, for very long time, all my earnings was going towards paying for help...All. this was for years. We do not live in an expensive neighborhood of MoCo.

How do you get a person to cook for you? Is this ethnic cooking or general American food?

[Anonymous]

Our family is also not struggling, either before Covid or even now, but that is because of deliberate choices we have made to make sure we can manage.

Our household income is $220k and my husband travels for work constantly (even now!). Even before Covid, I worked from home full time. We chose an in home daycare 5-10 minutes from our house, depending on how many traffic lights you hit. We only have one child. We have biweekly house cleaning, no yard work and I make simple meals during the week and a more elaborate dish with leftovers on the weekend.

Life really isn’t hard, but I made sure not to take on things I couldn’t handle.

[Anonymous]

OP, people manage as they need to. Being a SAH sucks in some respects. WOH sucks for some respects. You and your family will figure it out. With your income, nanny is usually the best option, but no one can figure this out for you.

The awesome etching is.. the choice is your, and you can change your choice. It’s okay.

My only advice is to not judge one side or the other. Every chooses based on what works for them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think so but you have to make smart choices. The most miserable parents I know didn’t sleep train and don’t prioritize their marriage. Make sure to:

1. Keep your job
2. Leave your baby early on with your husband and don’t provide instructions
3. Plan ahead for maternity leave
4. Be able to live off of one salary
5. Go on a weekly date night once baby is six weeks old
6. Sleep train. No excuse for not sleeping once baby is four months old
7. Exercise daily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our family is also not struggling, either before Covid or even now, but that is because of deliberate choices we have made to make sure we can manage.

Our household income is $220k and my husband travels for work constantly (even now!). Even before Covid, I worked from home full time. We chose an in home daycare 5-10 minutes from our house, depending on how many traffic lights you hit. We only have one child. We have biweekly house cleaning, no yard work and I make simple meals during the week and a more elaborate dish with leftovers on the weekend.

Life really isn’t hard, but I made sure not to take on things I couldn’t handle.

This. The people who complain seem to have made poor decisions. Constant excuses as to why they can’t sleep train, can’t work, can’t hang out with friends etc.

[Anonymous]

Literally the most important thing to consider: will your spouse be a 50/50 partner or not? Many married couples decide to have kids and then one parent ends up doing 80% of the work (I’m talking about in families where there are two working parents.)

That is...not desirable or sustainable. The only way it works (without either spouse feeling resentment) is if there is a somewhat equal balance of both childcare and house related duties.

[Anonymous]

Supportive workplace and flexible hours for at least one parent in the beginning is key. DD is now 14, but when she was born, we were making about $120HHI in Arlington. We were stretched very, very thin and ran our credit cards up quite a bit for awhile. Daycare was about $1300 a month for 5 1/2 years -- she'd move up to a room with a lower tuition and then COLA would hit and it would be almost the same again. After a year I switched jobs so that we both weren't in DC for work -- in VA at least I could get to her faster if needed. I definitely mommy-tracked, but that's okay with me. She didn't sleep but was a great kid otherwise -- you learn how to get by. We had some family nearby that wasn't very useful, and my parents would fly in from time to time to help us out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Literally the most important thing to consider: will your spouse be a 50/50 partner or not? Many married couples decide to have kids and then one parent ends up doing 80% of the work (I’m talking about in families where there are two working parents.)

That is...not desirable or sustainable. The only way it works (without either spouse feeling resentment) is if there is a somewhat equal balance of both childcare and house related duties.

This is maybe one of the better points made. And being "excited to be a dad!!" does not an equal partner make. Have some really tough convos about how you will prioritize both your careers (if that's important to you). Sometimes it's hard to know, I've heard of moms where the husband helped around the house before baby but after baby had a lot of assumptions on what moms do vs dad. So how are your partners assumptions/what are their experiences in your family of origin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Literally the most important thing to consider: will your spouse be a 50/50 partner or not? Many married couples decide to have kids and then one parent ends up doing 80% of the work (I’m talking about in families where there are two working parents.)

That is...not desirable or sustainable. The only way it works (without either spouse feeling resentment) is if there is a somewhat equal balance of both childcare and house related duties.

This is maybe one of the better points made. And being "excited to be a dad!!" does not an equal partner make. Have some really tough convos about how you will prioritize both your careers (if that's important to you). Sometimes it's hard to know, I've heard of moms where the husband helped around the house before baby but after baby had a lot of assumptions on what moms do vs dad. So how are your partners assumptions/what are their experiences in your family of origin?

Sure but if you stay home, most men (and women) are going to assume you’re the default parent and in charge of the household. If you don’t want to slide into this role, then don’t quit your job. Once you are in charge of everything, it’s very hard for you to get your husband to step up. I have a few friends who have become SAHMs and they seem surprised that the burden of childcare and housework is on them.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the thing though about “50/50” — in my experience,
It’s not that every aspect of family life is 50/50. My husband doesn’t do 50% of the childcare or housework and guess what? Our system works for us. He picks up more on other things and his work life is more intense than mine, so we balance each other out on the whole. We look at it like a team sport where we play complimentary but different roles. So don’t panic looking at your relationship thinking you’ll be doing it wrong if you don’t split pick ups and drop offs evenly down the middle (as an example).

It’s all about communication and figuring out what works for your family- which doesn’t have to be the same “checklist” as what works for other families (and what people have insisted you need in this thread.) And figuring that out takes time.

[Anonymous]

It's not easy, but it's doable. Few key things, at least for me:

1) Sleep train right at 4 months. The miserable parents I knew were still getting up multiple times a night (!!) with their 18 month olds (!!) Four months is bad enough.
2) Equal partner. Truly, equal. Not "does his half when you remind him but you have to keep track of everything"
3) Short commute. Ours is 35 mins, and that's as high as I would go.
4) Actually work 40 hours a week. Both of you. Working a late night once every week or two when you're childless, just because something came up, or because you weren't all that productive during the day, is no big deal. When you have a kid, it's a PITA. I would say an occasional hour or two of work after hours can be okay IF it's flexible, and you can do it after the baby goes to bed.
5) Parental leave. Both my husband and I have 12 weeks of leave (each), and the majority is paid. We took every last day. Two weeks together at the beginning, then 10 weeks just me, then 10 weeks just him. That way, by the time kid is off to childcare, he's also sleep trained (see point 1) and you're both getting full nights of sleep.

With all that? We are loving parenthood and planning for a large family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not easy, but it's doable. Few key things, at least for me:

1) Sleep train right at 4 months. The miserable parents I knew were still getting up multiple times a night (!!) with their 18 month olds (!!) Four months is bad enough.
2) Equal partner. Truly, equal. Not "does his half when you remind him but you have to keep track of everything"
3) Short commute. Ours is 35 mins, and that's as high as I would go.
4) Actually work 40 hours a week. Both of you. Working a late night once every week or two when you're childless, just because something came up, or because you weren't all that productive during the day, is no big deal. When you have a kid, it's a PITA. I would say an occasional hour or two of work after hours can be okay IF it's flexible, and you can do it after the baby goes to bed.
5) Parental leave. Both my husband and I have 12 weeks of leave (each), and the majority is paid. We took every last day. Two weeks together at the beginning, then 10 weeks just me, then 10 weeks just him. That way, by the time kid is off to childcare, he's also sleep trained (see point 1) and you're both getting full nights of sleep.

With all that? We are loving parenthood and planning for a large family!

I'm the PP, and I should also mention - consider a nanny share. We assumed that we'd be priced out of it (we have a similar income to you, slightly less), but it's actually only about $100 more per month than daycare where we are (and that's including taxes - we pay on the books). Totally worth it! I wouldn't have predicted that's where we'd land on childcare but we LOVE it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not easy, but it's doable. Few key things, at least for me:

1) Sleep train right at 4 months. The miserable parents I knew were still getting up multiple times a night (!!) with their 18 month olds (!!) Four months is bad enough.
2) Equal partner. Truly, equal. Not "does his half when you remind him but you have to keep track of everything"
3) Short commute. Ours is 35 mins, and that's as high as I would go.
4) Actually work 40 hours a week. Both of you. Working a late night once every week or two when you're childless, just because something came up, or because you weren't all that productive during the day, is no big deal. When you have a kid, it's a PITA. I would say an occasional hour or two of work after hours can be okay IF it's flexible, and you can do it after the baby goes to bed.
5) Parental leave. Both my husband and I have 12 weeks of leave (each), and the majority is paid. We took every last day. Two weeks together at the beginning, then 10 weeks just me, then 10 weeks just him. That way, by the time kid is off to childcare, he's also sleep trained (see point 1) and you're both getting full nights of sleep.

With all that? We are loving parenthood and planning for a large family!

All of this especially the sleep training. After your kid is four months old, it’s truly your choice if absent illness or a rare event, you aren’t getting a decent nights sleep.