Being a working parent (during non-pandemic times) - is it as bad as it seems?

[Anonymous]

A good way to figure out if your husband will be a true partner is to ask him how long he will take for parental leave. A few days? He’s signaling the baby is your job not his and/or his job won’t provide any flexibility. Listen to what he has to say.

[Anonymous]

we had kids in ours mid 30s with dual HHI of about $150k and we made it work -- my work had a 6 month maternity leave option, which I took, both times.

They gave me a more demanding/prestigious job when I returned, which stunk but not much I could do about it -- after 6 months, I asked to drop to 4 days/wk and they let me. Of course, we cut our income 20% to do so. BUTBUTBUT, my MIL also wanted in on childcare -- asked to do 1 day/wk -- between her day and my day, we were able to drop to PT daycare and pay just 3 days/wk.

that saved maybe $700/month at least -- can't remember now. it was tight for a while....and still is chaotic. but eventually one goes to school and that's a big cost savings.

After a mega-fight with a boss and several years of dues-paying, I was able to flip my work schedule to start at 6 a.m., spend less time in traffic and get home when older child was finishing kindergarten. Boom -- no aftercare costs. DH paid dues, was able to WFH almost 90% of time pre-pandemic -- so while I was doing early work shift, he got kids out of house and off to school.

Our youngest is in PreK now -- the pandemic is obviously its own beast -- but our childcare costs are about 1/3 what they were a year ago....and probably 20% of what they were 3 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not miserable at all. Key factors:
- WFH 2x a week, fairly flexible hours the rest of the week to avoid traffic
- A great nanny, and a Mom nearby who could be around and help

Oh, AND
- An equal partner with respect to childcare and housework

+1
I have been able to work remotely for years. My mom lives with us and I have a cleaning lady who comes twice a week and a cooking/prep lady who comes for 3 hours on the weekend.

When kids were little, a nanny came and worked under the eagle eye of my mom. When they were 3 years old, we put them in a montessori school (paid full time, but used it 1/2 day for socialization only). Nanny came for part of the day. Mom supervised. I had basically 4 backups for childcare. Me, my mom, nanny and montessori school.

DH is very involved dad and does not hesitate to help or to she'll the money out to outsource.

Kids are in HS now, and I still have the cleaning lady come. My cooking person now cooks and delivers...slightly more work and inconvenience during the pandemic but no where near what employed people without childcare are facing.

Oh, also, for very long time, all my earnings was going towards paying for help...All. this was for years. We do not live in an expensive neighborhood of MoCo.

How do you get a person to cook for you? Is this ethnic cooking or general American food?

Either, both. The hiring process means that you test their cooking skills and pay them for their time. When you find a good match in temperament, you hire them. There are several types of cooking - full.meals for several days that you reheat and eat., prep kind of cooking that you need to put in the oven for it to cook, food you cook in bulk to freeze and just a lot of prep with raw materials , chopping, cleaning, roasting, boiling, kneading etc.
You can ask them to follow your recipes, and you cAn also ask them to make their fAvorite recipes.i watch carefully how good they are in basic prep, how much oil and salt they put in food, how neatly and efficiently they can do the work and how they store and cleanup afterwards.

You have to figure out what you are looking for. What cuisine, health concerns, allergies. Food for elderly, snacks for.teens, meals for patients. Finally, you have to be organized with your ingredients, recipes, cooking pots and pans, fridge, freezers etc. You want them to have the run of the kitchen when they are cooking. You have to have your menu and recipes.ready.

[Anonymous]

Ok I see. So where can you find these cooks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, get ready for people to tell you you’re going to be sleep deprived and miserable no matter what you do.

I was nervous about having kids, for a lot of the same reasons you are. Everyone told me you never sleep, it’s so hard, you never get time alone, how will you possible do things you love? It was really weird how much negativity there was around being a parent. When I was pregnant and hated being pregnant people said “oh just wait it’s going to get so much worse”. When he was a calm, sweet baby they said, “oh just wait until he crawls”. Then he crawled and it was so much fun, and they said “oh just wait until he walks, THEN you’ll be miserable”. Then when I wasn’t miserable, they said well wait until he starts taking, preschool, elementary school, teenagers.... And on and on.

I’m not sleep deprived or miserable, but a lot of people for some reason want to tell you that you will be. It’s really weird.

+1000xx

this thread is really depressing. I have a one year old son and I also had many similar worries as OP. I went back to work FT when he was 12 weeks old. I am grateful for an equal partner and the in home daycare that we love. You make it work. Being a parent is the greatest joy I have ever experienced. Is it hard sometimes? Sure. But so so so worth it.

[Anonymous]

It's gonna suck even if you can throw money at the problem. Having a high HHI does make it easy because then being a sahm becomes an option.

How do you managd otherwise? I don't know. We had our kids late because we could not afford it otherwise. God!! Do thankful.for my DH because he has been an equal partner.my entire life. We plan to be there for our grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Buy a home you can afford on one salary in a school district you like. Everything else will be fine. 90% of the problems on here come from being house poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok I see. So where can you find these cooks?

Caterers, home daycare operators, home aides for elderly people, sous chefs, restaurant workers. Ask them and they can guide you.. We found ours through word of mouth. The person who works for me actually worked as a nanny
/cook for some one we knew. She only works on the weekends at my house. Been with me for a long time. She also takes catering orders. The key is the temperament. Recipes you can teach if the attitude is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy a home you can afford on one salary in a school district you like. Everything else will be fine. 90% of the problems on here come from being house poor.

Live and save on one salary. You will realize that the second salary is not required.

[Anonymous]

Before you become parents -
Get in shape and make exercise and nutrition priority
Declutter and get organized
All paperwork in order
Insurance
Medical checkups

After you become parents -
Take help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you have a supportive work place and flexible hours. ExDH I had had DD in our late 20s, both made around 100K in federal positions. Our jobs allowed for relatively flexible schedules and we found a lovely inhome daycare center in our neighborhood that was affordable. We worked hours that allowed one of us to do drop off and the other pick up so we each worked full days. We also had option to work flexible schedules of longer days for less days per week/pay period. It was very doable in this area (prepandemic) bc childcare centers are used to two working parent households with commutes, so the hours allowed for that.

As far as sleep, we were lucky and DD slept through the night fairly early, but the trick is to swap out and share the burden. When DD was an infant, we would both wake up so one did the diaper, the other the bottle, so it wasn't a longer stretch awake and we would swap so one parent wasn't always waking up.

The key is a supportive workplace and a supportive spouse.

This was basically us. Once the baby was a little older, we did shifts - H was on call until 2 am, and I did any wakeups after that. We are a night owl and early bird, so that worked fine for us.

We also tried not to fall into the trap of a zillion activities and running all over the place. You don't need to drag your baby to the fall festival AND the pumpkin patch AND take long fall hikes. If you love that stuff, great! But DC is super competitive parenting non-stop, and you can make yourself crazy trying to jam in all the activities and events and classes and sports. We took a more relaxed approach to our weekends and used that time to recharge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not easy, but it's doable. Few key things, at least for me:

1) Sleep train right at 4 months. The miserable parents I knew were still getting up multiple times a night (!!) with their 18 month olds (!!) Four months is bad enough.
2) Equal partner. Truly, equal. Not "does his half when you remind him but you have to keep track of everything"
3) Short commute. Ours is 35 mins, and that's as high as I would go.
4) Actually work 40 hours a week. Both of you. Working a late night once every week or two when you're childless, just because something came up, or because you weren't all that productive during the day, is no big deal. When you have a kid, it's a PITA. I would say an occasional hour or two of work after hours can be okay IF it's flexible, and you can do it after the baby goes to bed.
5) Parental leave. Both my husband and I have 12 weeks of leave (each), and the majority is paid. We took every last day. Two weeks together at the beginning, then 10 weeks just me, then 10 weeks just him. That way, by the time kid is off to childcare, he's also sleep trained (see point 1) and you're both getting full nights of sleep.

With all that? We are loving parenthood and planning for a large family!

All of this especially the sleep training. After your kid is four months old, it’s truly your choice if absent illness or a rare event, you aren’t getting a decent nights sleep.

The sleep training thing is such BS. Infant sleep depends on a million factors. My kid performed all the motions of a good sleeper - took to her crib/room immediately, didn't need to be rocked/held to sleep - but she did not stay asleep all night until she was a year+ old. Every developmental milestone messed with her sleeping, and she was a light napper. Sometimes there's nothing you can do. LOL at "planning for a large family" b/c odds are at least one of your children won't sleep.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound like parent material OP. Most people are excited and look forward to having kids. If you view them as disruptive and difficult, they aren't for you. If you like your life now, don't have kids. Your life will never be the same and that's the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not easy, but it's doable. Few key things, at least for me:

1) Sleep train right at 4 months. The miserable parents I knew were still getting up multiple times a night (!!) with their 18 month olds (!!) Four months is bad enough.
2) Equal partner. Truly, equal. Not "does his half when you remind him but you have to keep track of everything"
3) Short commute. Ours is 35 mins, and that's as high as I would go.
4) Actually work 40 hours a week. Both of you. Working a late night once every week or two when you're childless, just because something came up, or because you weren't all that productive during the day, is no big deal. When you have a kid, it's a PITA. I would say an occasional hour or two of work after hours can be okay IF it's flexible, and you can do it after the baby goes to bed.
5) Parental leave. Both my husband and I have 12 weeks of leave (each), and the majority is paid. We took every last day. Two weeks together at the beginning, then 10 weeks just me, then 10 weeks just him. That way, by the time kid is off to childcare, he's also sleep trained (see point 1) and you're both getting full nights of sleep.

With all that? We are loving parenthood and planning for a large family!

All of this especially the sleep training. After your kid is four months old, it’s truly your choice if absent illness or a rare event, you aren’t getting a decent nights sleep.

The sleep training thing is such BS. Infant sleep depends on a million factors. My kid performed all the motions of a good sleeper - took to her crib/room immediately, didn't need to be rocked/held to sleep - but she did not stay asleep all night until she was a year+ old. Every developmental milestone messed with her sleeping, and she was a light napper. Sometimes there's nothing you can do. LOL at "planning for a large family" b/c odds are at least one of your children won't sleep.

Yes, you can absolutely stay up all night for your bad sleeper if that’s what you enjoy doing. OP asked for how to not be miserable and PP was providing examples. One way to make your life better and enjoy parenting is to not get up throughout the night once it isn’t necessary. If you want to be miserable then you should definitely stay awake like you did and also quit your job while you’re at it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound like parent material OP. Most people are excited and look forward to having kids. If you view them as disruptive and difficult, they aren't for you. If you like your life now, don't have kids. Your life will never be the same and that's the point.

You sound jealous that OP is trying to make sure she enjoys parenting. Did you make bad choices like have an inflexible job, marry a man child or stay awake all night ?