"Fast" kids -- how do they get that way?

[Anonymous]

I’m the poster who has one “fast” tee and one very much not “fast” and I believe it’s very personality driven as well as friendship driven.

However, now that my fast teen is 20, I will say he started doing things (sex, weed, drinking) rather young )and yes we had boundaries, were involved, good parents) but it didn’t progress, if anything, it regressed a bit as he got older.

Contrast this to my other teen, who is a homebody, has only a few close friends, has never been to a party, and I’m not sure I’d say this teen is totally prepared for college social scene. But I have been thankful for less worry with this one.

One last thought, as I look at the friends my faster teen had in high school, they were good kids that were almost to a tee, the youngest in their families. I do think that matters. But not one of them has any issues, all at great schools and doing well. There’s one I worry about as the dad is a pretty bad alcoholic, but hopeful he will be ok even though he (the kid) drinks. My dad was a terrible alcoholic, I drank, but I’m fine as I was very aware and self disciples post college.

[Anonymous]

I would be much more worried about a kid who didn't have any interest in sex or drinking/weed while in high school. The last think I'd want is for them to go through this while away from home without a parent around to guide them through it all.

How do people claiming being "fast" is about having insufficient parent supervision reconcile that with the posters who say their parents were super strict yet they were able to sneak around and do all those forbidden things?

[Anonymous]

Personality (and/or what is going on internally), peer group, parental supervision and expectations.

Probably in that order.

[Anonymous]

I think it's often an unfortunate confluence of the kid being precocious and the parents being absent/oblivious/lazy.

I was one of these kids. Matured relatively early, was on a not so great path by age 12. Pretty precocious with boys and wanting to experiment with lots of crowds and things I wasn't wise enough to know weren't actually cool or good.

I was an only child and very responsible and self aware. My parents were good parents and were loving, but were NOT child-centric at all, so by age 10 or 11 they basically considered me a small adult and treated me as such. That wasn't a good thing.

I had an incident in middle school that resulted in being labeled as a "slut" and they immediately blamed everyone but themselves, pulled me, and sent me on a totally different (elite private school) path. That ended up being very good for me academically and socially, but while I regard that period with a lot of shame and pain and sadness, they regard it with a mix of celebration and total loss of memory for how it actually went down. That is so hurtful.

As an adult, I blame my parents very much for not facilitating/encouraging the things that would have been age-appropriate, and would have kept me in childhood longer. It was their job to say "no," to observe, to require activities and not let me latchkey (money was no issue), etc... I will not make the same mistake with my kid. They can resent me for all kinds of things, but it won't be lack of active parenting and involvement.

[Anonymous]

Unhealthy parenting. Either too strict or too permissive. Family dysfunction. Lack of good parenting. Low self esteem and lots of anger in children.

Lack of morality. Lack of affection from birth family towards the children. Mental illness in children. Doing self destructive things.

[Anonymous]

I was pretty much unsupervised and have always been very independent about my decisions. So I had boyfriends very young (but did not actually have sex until I 100% wanted to at 16) and experiemented with drugs and alcohol very young (but was completely uninterested in binge drinking/“partying.”)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unhealthy parenting. Either too strict or too permissive. Family dysfunction. Lack of good parenting. Low self esteem and lots of anger in children.

Lack of morality. Lack of affection from birth family towards the children. Mental illness in children. Doing self destructive things.

Bad company. Access to stuff like vape, booze, blunt, porn...easily. too much or too little money at home. Busy or negligent parents. Not one consistent care giver. No accountability. Lax punishments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unhealthy parenting. Either too strict or too permissive. Family dysfunction. Lack of good parenting. Low self esteem and lots of anger in children.

Lack of morality. Lack of affection from birth family towards the children. Mental illness in children. Doing self destructive things.

Bad company. Access to stuff like vape, booze, blunt, porn...easily. too much or too little money at home. Busy or negligent parents. Not one consistent care giver. No accountability. Lax punishments.

Community the children belong to. If there is a risk that their infractions will be reported to parents by teachers, neighbors, relatives those kids stay in the straight and narrow.

While some fast kids do very well academically ( I know if a middle class girl who is in med school and prostitutes using Tinder) most are not doing well in school. The fast kids are actually the bad kids.

[Anonymous]

You need to invest the time in your kids when they are little, so that you can gently mold them into making good choices. You need to understand what makes your kid tick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early puberty, risk-taking personality, and lack of supervision.

I don’t get the people here saying parenting doesn’t play a role. I have a 14-year-old who doesn’t even go to parties. He plays online games with friends, goes to sports, and walks the dog. Where in there would he be smoking pot and having sex?

In contrast, I had a boyfriend once who said he first had sex at 13, with an older girl. I can’t even imagine when or how. When mine was 13 he still played with legos.

If it was me, he would be climbing out the window. Really some kids are so awful they just can’t be controlled with good parenting. That said I think that parents who are emotionally absent/don’t at least try to enforce form boundaries are far more likely to have kids like this.

Thankfully now there are alarms, cameras and more to help with that.

I wonder if that’s really an improvement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a secret class in fourth grade in which they accelerate the growth impulse. So, that’s where they are taught to want to drink, have sex and vape. It’s all very hush hush and marketed to kids who have been abused or whose parents have divorced. The Koch Brothers fund it.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Youngest sibling, grows up spoiled and imitating older ones.

Or only child that parents treat like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youngest sibling, grows up spoiled and imitating older ones.

Or only child that parents treat like an adult.

Child treated like adult friend by single parent is often like this...see Barrymore, Drew. Your kid is not your party buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youngest sibling, grows up spoiled and imitating older ones.

Or only child that parents treat like an adult.

Child treated like adult friend by single parent is often like this...see Barrymore, Drew. Your kid is not your party buddy.

Single parent here. I find that that’s very insulting. I’m considered one of the stricter parents. We have to double down and watch everything because there’s only one of us. I appreciate the theories above I don’t think there’s any one thing. It’s teen development and sometimes it goes smoothly and sometimes it doesn’t. And from my own experience It can pivot at any moment. Don’t get to righteous guys.

[Anonymous]

My DD isn't "fast"
She has straight As doesn't drink
She did have a BF starting at age 14 however and began having sex with him at 15
She didn't end up pregnant or grades going down or doing drugs.
She isn't dating him anymore or anyone (covid and not going anywhere).
But they aren't all linked. We have liberal views about sex and dating.
But we don't about drugs or getting wasted or bad grades. So she stays in what we've created as her lane.