Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

Lazy is lazy bro. She’s addicted to food and booze. Just like an alcoholic you can’t tell a fat person not to eat. Their rational brain can’t control their addiction to food

Science is showing that much of this is genetic and hormonal. So don’t be so quick to judge.

Can you try focusing on what you DO love about her? Hopefully that was not driven largely by her dress size. Don’t let you penis dictate your future!

So does the same science say it was not genetic and hormonal prior to 1990 in the US? Obesity was rare in the 1950's, 1960's, 1970's and 1980's etc and certainly in the 1920's, 1930's, and 1940's. It is really interesting to look
at crowd shots from earlier times.

Soo...your hypothesis is just that millions of people have decided, as individuals, to become lazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

Lazy is lazy bro. She’s addicted to food and booze. Just like an alcoholic you can’t tell a fat person not to eat. Their rational brain can’t control their addiction to food

Science is showing that much of this is genetic and hormonal. So don’t be so quick to judge.

Can you try focusing on what you DO love about her? Hopefully that was not driven largely by her dress size. Don’t let you penis dictate your future!

So does the same science say it was not genetic and hormonal prior to 1990 in the US? Obesity was rare in the 1950's, 1960's, 1970's and 1980's etc and certainly in the 1920's, 1930's, and 1940's. It is really interesting to look
at crowd shots from earlier times.

Soo...your hypothesis is just that millions of people have decided, as individuals, to become lazy?

Smoking rates are lower

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope she divorces you and finds some man who likes a little more cushion for the pushin

only low class guys like extra

Pierce Brosnan must be low class then.

[Anonymous]

I think OP's wife should lose between 150-200 lbs in a divorce from OP. She will be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

I never understand how someone feels that when they make time to workout, it automatically makes it easier for their spouse to work out. This is a zero sum game. Every hour you take to yourself is an hour that she has to be doing chores/childcare/working/etc.

lol I know right?? Working out (including dressing down, stretch, shower, dress again, extra laundry) is a massively time consuming thing that my DH is a doll to support.

Right? I don’t know where people get off saying that they “make time” to workout without recognizing that their spouse is supporting them. Even when I was working out early in the morning, my husband took over some of the bedtime duties with the kids because I was tired at night, and he had to work it out to get to work a bit later.
I wonder what it’s like to just assume that all of your time is your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

Lazy is lazy bro. She’s addicted to food and booze. Just like an alcoholic you can’t tell a fat person not to eat. Their rational brain can’t control their addiction to food

Science is showing that much of this is genetic and hormonal. So don’t be so quick to judge.

Can you try focusing on what you DO love about her? Hopefully that was not driven largely by her dress size. Don’t let you penis dictate your future!

So does the same science say it was not genetic and hormonal prior to 1990 in the US? Obesity was rare in the 1950's, 1960's, 1970's and 1980's etc and certainly in the 1920's, 1930's, and 1940's. It is really interesting to look
at crowd shots from earlier times.

It is also really interesting to read about how to correctly use apostrophes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

Lazy is lazy bro. She’s addicted to food and booze. Just like an alcoholic you can’t tell a fat person not to eat. Their rational brain can’t control their addiction to food

Science is showing that much of this is genetic and hormonal. So don’t be so quick to judge.

Can you try focusing on what you DO love about her? Hopefully that was not driven largely by her dress size. Don’t let you penis dictate your future!

So does the same science say it was not genetic and hormonal prior to 1990 in the US? Obesity was rare in the 1950's, 1960's, 1970's and 1980's etc and certainly in the 1920's, 1930's, and 1940's. It is really interesting to look
at crowd shots from earlier times.

It is also really interesting to read about how to correctly use apostrophes.

Regardless of apostrophe usage, his/her point is valid. Genetics cannot and do not change remotely that quickly. It would take thousands of years for natural selection to go from 3% obesity to 40% obesity as we have done. Not to mention the "genetics" appear to be confined to countries that coincidentally had an explosive cultural shift toward fast food and junk food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

Lazy is lazy bro. She’s addicted to food and booze. Just like an alcoholic you can’t tell a fat person not to eat. Their rational brain can’t control their addiction to food

Science is showing that much of this is genetic and hormonal. So don’t be so quick to judge.

Can you try focusing on what you DO love about her? Hopefully that was not driven largely by her dress size. Don’t let you penis dictate your future!

So does the same science say it was not genetic and hormonal prior to 1990 in the US? Obesity was rare in the 1950's, 1960's, 1970's and 1980's etc and certainly in the 1920's, 1930's, and 1940's. It is really interesting to look
at crowd shots from earlier times.

It is also really interesting to read about how to correctly use apostrophes.

Regardless of apostrophe usage, his/her point is valid. Genetics cannot and do not change remotely that quickly. It would take thousands of years for natural selection to go from 3% obesity to 40% obesity as we have done. Not to mention the "genetics" appear to be confined to countries that coincidentally had an explosive cultural shift toward fast food and junk food.

Environmental factors certainly can change that quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody has discussed a real possibility: OP's wife is sick of all the criticism and has found a man on the side who likes her the way she is, extra 40 pounds and all.

[Anonymous]

I'm a wife who has gained more than 40 pounds during my marriage. I don't think you're awful for not being attracted to your wife but you aren't going to be able to fix this. It will have to come from her. You just need to decide if you can adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

Lazy is lazy bro. She’s addicted to food and booze. Just like an alcoholic you can’t tell a fat person not to eat. Their rational brain can’t control their addiction to food

Science is showing that much of this is genetic and hormonal. So don’t be so quick to judge.

Can you try focusing on what you DO love about her? Hopefully that was not driven largely by her dress size. Don’t let you penis dictate your future!

So does the same science say it was not genetic and hormonal prior to 1990 in the US? Obesity was rare in the 1950's, 1960's, 1970's and 1980's etc and certainly in the 1920's, 1930's, and 1940's. It is really interesting to look
at crowd shots from earlier times.

It is also really interesting to read about how to correctly use apostrophes.

Regardless of apostrophe usage, his/her point is valid. Genetics cannot and do not change remotely that quickly. It would take thousands of years for natural selection to go from 3% obesity to 40% obesity as we have done. Not to mention the "genetics" appear to be confined to countries that coincidentally had an explosive cultural shift toward fast food and junk food.

Environmental factors certainly can change that quickly.

Right, an endless supply of snacks and wine and a culture that encourages excess consumption is one such environmental factor that, paired with a lack of self control and predisposition to addiction, converts into 40 pounds. I'm not sure how this matters to OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

She needs to know you will take something she values from her if she doesn’t come around. For now, you are reluctant to divorce and she knows it!
It’s that simple.
Signed, woman, but not american, and astonished at the level of manipulation american women subject their husbands to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to know you will take something she values from her if she doesn’t come around. For now, you are reluctant to divorce and she knows it!
It’s that simple.
Signed, woman, but not american, and astonished at the level of manipulation american women subject their husbands to.

Well, you assume OP’s wife does value the marriage. OP says it’s not a great marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you tell her you love her? Do you make her feel wanted? If these things aren't possible, then divorce her, because it's likely you're making her feel worse about herself because you're not showing love. Believe me, she knows she's fat, and she would much rather not be. But stress and depression and feeling unwanted likely are the causes. Good luck.

It's not possible to fake desire where none exists. Envisage forty pounds of fat. Actually visualize it. It cannot look attractive and I won't call a man shallow for refusing to like it.

I've gained 22 pounds after 3 kids. There may be very good reasons for it but I don't kid myself that it looks attractive on me. It doesn't. I look at myself naked in the mirror every morning and I don't lie to myself that what I see is an attractive body. I would look 100% better with these pounds off. OP's wife would surely look better with her 40 off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to know you will take something she values from her if she doesn’t come around. For now, you are reluctant to divorce and she knows it!
It’s that simple.
Signed, woman, but not american, and astonished at the level of manipulation american women subject their husbands to. [/quote]