Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

I am really sorry to hear this OP. I think both spouse need to maintain a normal amount of attractiveness to each other. 40lbs is a lot of weight on someone who is short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Stress is a part of life, and adults need to manage their own stress.

This. OP, manage your feelings about this. You are 100% in charge of how you handle this. If you choose to be “disgusted,” then clearly your marriage and family isn’t that valuable to you. Why?
And if it is valuable, then work on managing your mind and emotions so that you don’t destroy it.

I'm the poster you're responding to. I meant his wife needs to manage her stress. No one lives a stress-free life and you don't get to tell other people to remove stress from your life. Manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Look, here's the thing. She may be stressed. She may be depressed. She may be any number of other things. But SHE IS IN CHARGE OF HER. Not OP. Not his inlaws. No one is responsible for the wellbeing of another adult, unless they are chained in the basement. If she's depressed, it's on her to become un-depressed by whatever means. Seek treatment. Go to the doctor. Something! I hate it when grown women blame other people for what is happening to them.

Only a rich DCUM woman could possibly say this with a straight face. What you're basically saying is that it's her choice to be stressed, her fault if she's stressed.

That works fine if you get support from parents (including $ and/or babysitting, but maybe even just being kind and saying supportive things when you need to hear them), have no financial struggles, kids are doing well, no health issues in the family, etc. Then maybe it's someone's choice/fault if they go looking for problems. But in the real world, some women have a much harder life than is typically found on DCUM - kids with special needs (sometimes meaning no proper sleep in years), obnoxious inlaws and DH doesn't man up and deal with his own family, medical issues, financial worries so they just can't have a break when they desperately need it, etc.

Sometimes the best thing women can do for their stress level is to get divorced. At least then they know they're on their own with the issues and don't need to deal with DH pretending to help but actually piling on.

[Anonymous]

This is really coincidental, almost too coincidental but I promise it's true. Literally last night I was talking to my wife about this very issue from my past. I was married to a woman for ten years (married young, in my early 20s). In my late 20s I put on 40 pounds (no kidding, precisely 40 pounds) over about 3 years. It is a MASSIVE amount of weight to gain. Thinking back, I couldn't run, I got hot and tired very easily, I felt fatigued and kind of cloudy to the point I went to see if I had a thyroid problem.

The conversation with my current wife last night came after I pulled up some old pictures from that era of my life and I saw how absolutely terrible and unhealthy and sad I looked. But what REALLY upset me is that NOBODY TOLD ME. I guess my ex-wife and my friends were trying to be nice or maybe they were just so shocked they tiptoed around it. But I just can't believe nobody ever pulled me aside and was like, "dude, you have gained SO MUCH weight and you have to make some adjustments." I honestly think if you love somebody it's your responsibility to give them a wake up call that this is NOT okay! One day I just kind of woke up and realized, holy hell am I fat. Lost 40 pounds in six months just stop shoveling food and drink into my face.

Anyway long story short I think you owe it to your wife and yourself to seriously have an intervention on this. It's the right thing to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the same mirrors you have at home work for your wife, right? Maybe she doesn't want to be attractive to/for you.

OP here. I was never the worlds most attractive guy, but I’m basically the same I was when we got married. About 10 lbs heavier maybe half muscle half fat. Far stronger and fitter now.

Did you grow 2 or more babies in your womb for 9 months each, push them out of your vagina, and breastfeed them for a few months? Did you suffer any traumatic (emotionally or physically) injuries from that?

Do you help with the cooking, cleaning, child rearing (without her asking you), schedule doctor and orthodontist appointments, do the laundry, make your bed, plan birthday parties, sign permission slips, buy birthday presents, and carry half the mental load for the family?

I sympathize with your situation and wish your DW all the luck in her health/exercise journey but you sound like a jerk.

Oh here we go! The I had a baby now I can be a fatty excuse. I had a baby and was back to my size 6 six months later. No excuses, no explanations. I bet if they get divorced and she goes on back on the market she’ll lose weight.

Haha PP next time you pretend to be a woman on an anonymous forum drop the “back on the market”, only pitifully angry men say that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

Big girls need lovin too, but not from me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to know you will take something she values from her if she doesn’t come around. For now, you are reluctant to divorce and she knows it!
It’s that simple.
Signed, woman, but not american, and astonished at the level of manipulation american women subject their husbands to.

Well, you assume OP’s wife does value the marriage. OP says it’s not a great marriage.

She may not value it, yes, but then OP is either stuck, or can divorce abs live his life the way he wants.

[Anonymous]

What is her height and weight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to know you will take something she values from her if she doesn’t come around. For now, you are reluctant to divorce and she knows it!
It’s that simple.
Signed, woman, but not american, and astonished at the level of manipulation american women subject their husbands to. [/quote]

Yeah I get why you are laughing. That’s what I meant - men need to manipulate back a bit more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure it's not kid related? I tend to turn to food when mine are stressing me out.

That’s not kid related. That’s stress related.

It is kid related because they are causing me the stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Look, here's the thing. She may be stressed. She may be depressed. She may be any number of other things. But SHE IS IN CHARGE OF HER. Not OP. Not his inlaws. No one is responsible for the wellbeing of another adult, unless they are chained in the basement. If she's depressed, it's on her to become un-depressed by whatever means. Seek treatment. Go to the doctor. Something! I hate it when grown women blame other people for what is happening to them.

Only a rich DCUM woman could possibly say this with a straight face. What you're basically saying is that it's her choice to be stressed, her fault if she's stressed.

That works fine if you get support from parents (including $ and/or babysitting, but maybe even just being kind and saying supportive things when you need to hear them), have no financial struggles, kids are doing well, no health issues in the family, etc. Then maybe it's someone's choice/fault if they go looking for problems. But in the real world, some women have a much harder life than is typically found on DCUM - kids with special needs (sometimes meaning no proper sleep in years), obnoxious inlaws and DH doesn't man up and deal with his own family, medical issues, financial worries so they just can't have a break when they desperately need it, etc.

Sometimes the best thing women can do for their stress level is to get divorced. At least then they know they're on their own with the issues and don't need to deal with DH pretending to help but actually piling on.

No, I'm saying that if she is stressed, it is her responsibility to manage her stress. If she chooses to manage it with a knife and a fork, that's her choice. No one is forcing her to do this. I mean isn't there a healthier way of managing your stress.

I may be a rich DCUM woman, whatever that means. I've also lived through carpet bombing and years as a displaced person. My father just died. My third child is a preemie. It's hugely stressful. But here's the thing - stress is a part of life. That's what I tell my children when they tell me they are sad. Sadness is a part of life. Pain is a part of life. Everyone will taste misery. And when that happens, you don't get to turn to someone, stomp your feet, and say, remove this pain from my life! It doesn't work that way. You have to manage your own pain. No one else can. It's your job as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Look, here's the thing. She may be stressed. She may be depressed. She may be any number of other things. But SHE IS IN CHARGE OF HER. Not OP. Not his inlaws. No one is responsible for the wellbeing of another adult, unless they are chained in the basement. If she's depressed, it's on her to become un-depressed by whatever means. Seek treatment. Go to the doctor. Something! I hate it when grown women blame other people for what is happening to them.

Only a rich DCUM woman could possibly say this with a straight face. What you're basically saying is that it's her choice to be stressed, her fault if she's stressed.

That works fine if you get support from parents (including $ and/or babysitting, but maybe even just being kind and saying supportive things when you need to hear them), have no financial struggles, kids are doing well, no health issues in the family, etc. Then maybe it's someone's choice/fault if they go looking for problems. But in the real world, some women have a much harder life than is typically found on DCUM - kids with special needs (sometimes meaning no proper sleep in years), obnoxious inlaws and DH doesn't man up and deal with his own family, medical issues, financial worries so they just can't have a break when they desperately need it, etc.

Sometimes the best thing women can do for their stress level is to get divorced. At least then they know they're on their own with the issues and don't need to deal with DH pretending to help but actually piling on.

No, I'm saying that if she is stressed, it is her responsibility to manage her stress. If she chooses to manage it with a knife and a fork, that's her choice. No one is forcing her to do this. I mean isn't there a healthier way of managing your stress.

I may be a rich DCUM woman, whatever that means. I've also lived through carpet bombing and years as a displaced person. My father just died. My third child is a preemie. It's hugely stressful. But here's the thing - stress is a part of life. That's what I tell my children when they tell me they are sad. Sadness is a part of life. Pain is a part of life. Everyone will taste misery. And when that happens, you don't get to turn to someone, stomp your feet, and say, remove this pain from my life! It doesn't work that way. You have to manage your own pain. No one else can. It's your job as an adult.

Amen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Look, here's the thing. She may be stressed. She may be depressed. She may be any number of other things. But SHE IS IN CHARGE OF HER. Not OP. Not his inlaws. No one is responsible for the wellbeing of another adult, unless they are chained in the basement. If she's depressed, it's on her to become un-depressed by whatever means. Seek treatment. Go to the doctor. Something! I hate it when grown women blame other people for what is happening to them.

Only a rich DCUM woman could possibly say this with a straight face. What you're basically saying is that it's her choice to be stressed, her fault if she's stressed.

That works fine if you get support from parents (including $ and/or babysitting, but maybe even just being kind and saying supportive things when you need to hear them), have no financial struggles, kids are doing well, no health issues in the family, etc. Then maybe it's someone's choice/fault if they go looking for problems. But in the real world, some women have a much harder life than is typically found on DCUM - kids with special needs (sometimes meaning no proper sleep in years), obnoxious inlaws and DH doesn't man up and deal with his own family, medical issues, financial worries so they just can't have a break when they desperately need it, etc.

Sometimes the best thing women can do for their stress level is to get divorced. At least then they know they're on their own with the issues and don't need to deal with DH pretending to help but actually piling on.

No, I'm saying that if she is stressed, it is her responsibility to manage her stress. If she chooses to manage it with a knife and a fork, that's her choice. No one is forcing her to do this. I mean isn't there a healthier way of managing your stress.

I may be a rich DCUM woman, whatever that means. I've also lived through carpet bombing and years as a displaced person. My father just died. My third child is a preemie. It's hugely stressful. But here's the thing - stress is a part of life. That's what I tell my children when they tell me they are sad. Sadness is a part of life. Pain is a part of life. Everyone will taste misery. And when that happens, you don't get to turn to someone, stomp your feet, and say, remove this pain from my life! It doesn't work that way. You have to manage your own pain. No one else can. It's your job as an adult.

That’s all fine but how does it help OP? I don’t think the problem is he’s failed to shrug his shoulders and tell her she’s an adult responsible for her own choices.

[Anonymous]

It helps him to feel better when a bunch of never-known-pain women tell him it's his fault his wife is fat because he must be doing something to stress her out and he must stop stressing her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try hiring a full-time babysitter 3 days a week and telling your wife 'this is your time' but I want to go with you to a personal trainer I found.

Uhm? How exactly is it her time, then?