Stay at Home vs Retired

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. ICU doc. Not nearly as rough as an ER doc, IMO. But not great. I’m just getting up to start hours 24-30 of shift, and looking at my Fitbit I was in bed for 4 hours of poor sleep. That’s about average, some better, some worse.

That being said, I wouldn’t trade this job for anything in the world. Great work. And although I miss 1 weekend a month a month with my kids, I’m also there when they get home from school 4 out of 5 days a week. Plus, with 12 flexible days off a month (seniority brings priority in scheduling), I’m at school for parent events, recitals, all the good stuff.

But, I do have a hard start time of 7:30 (I just start earlier so on short shift days I’m out earlier) So, this would not be possible without a helpful spouse or dependable morning child care.

I thought you only had 1 kid? What's the story here?

General fatigue plus habit of referring to stepson as kid due to almost decade of precollege life with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read all your posts and I do think you need to have a serious talk with your husband. I can't believe he wouldn't offer to do more given your work schedule and especially considering the fact that YOUR job is what is putting his son through private college and put him through private school and it is YOUR job that will be providing health insurance for your family. Also, you love your job, which is awesome. My husband has discussed retiring early as well (we are the same age but due to many years of graduate school I have worked a "real" job for fewer years. We currently split things 50/50 but we also work about the same hours and make about the same amount of money. We also outsource a lot (housekeeper, gardener, nanny, etc.). We agreed if he did retire then we wouldn't need the nanny anymore but would keep the maid and gardener. But he would essentially become the SAHP. I am a mere lawyer, not an ICU doctor like you, and even with my relatively easy job I can't imagine that we'd keep the same schedule if he was retired from his job. For sure I'd sleep in later and I wouldn't have to get back on my computer after dinner some nights because I could stay later to finish something if needed because he could do dinner. I think you need to make clear to your husband how much you are bringing to the table in this scenario and that it's not fair that he get to just retire from life. That's now how it work at all. I'm sorry you're in this boat. I'm in awe of what you do and I'm grateful for people like you.

[Anonymous]

Previous poster who works in the ED (and ICU). The work is equally taxing in both departments so make sure you take care of yourself.

Maybe decide that on your work days your DH does ALL pickups and dinners and laundry. Etc.

You do the drop off and go in a little early since you are up and out anyway and you aren’t going to sleep great the night before regardless. Maximize the early rounding on patients, get your orders for the morning into EPIC, schedule family care conference earlier, put that call into the neurologist earlier in the morning because he is lame about returning calls promptly, and then get out sooner in the afternoon yourself. Even if you are still on call and have to answer the phone at home. On those days, your DH is on at home and does pick up and everything else. You are “on” at your hospital those days so don’t be “on” at home or you will kill your health. Lay low at home and let him step up. Don’t overfunction at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Previous poster who works in the ED (and ICU). The work is equally taxing in both departments so make sure you take care of yourself.

Maybe decide that on your work days your DH does ALL pickups and dinners and laundry. Etc.

You do the drop off and go in a little early since you are up and out anyway and you aren’t going to sleep great the night before regardless. Maximize the early rounding on patients, get your orders for the morning into EPIC, schedule family care conference earlier, put that call into the neurologist earlier in the morning because he is lame about returning calls promptly, and then get out sooner in the afternoon yourself. Even if you are still on call and have to answer the phone at home. On those days, your DH is on at home and does pick up and everything else. You are “on” at your hospital those days so don’t be “on” at home or you will kill your health. Lay low at home and let him step up. Don’t overfunction at home.

OP here. I really appreciate your input. Unfortunately, I have a hard start at 7:30am to signout the overnight team. I literally cannot get my kid to school and get to work at 7:30. Since I'm out of the house before everyone else is out of bed anyhow, it just makes sense that I go in even earlier to do exactly what you suggest. That puts me in a good position to do pickups. But dropoffs are off the table on my work days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previous poster who works in the ED (and ICU). The work is equally taxing in both departments so make sure you take care of yourself.

Maybe decide that on your work days your DH does ALL pickups and dinners and laundry. Etc.

You do the drop off and go in a little early since you are up and out anyway and you aren’t going to sleep great the night before regardless. Maximize the early rounding on patients, get your orders for the morning into EPIC, schedule family care conference earlier, put that call into the neurologist earlier in the morning because he is lame about returning calls promptly, and then get out sooner in the afternoon yourself. Even if you are still on call and have to answer the phone at home. On those days, your DH is on at home and does pick up and everything else. You are “on” at your hospital those days so don’t be “on” at home or you will kill your health. Lay low at home and let him step up. Don’t overfunction at home.

OP here. I really appreciate your input. Unfortunately, I have a hard start at 7:30am to signout the overnight team. I literally cannot get my kid to school and get to work at 7:30. Since I'm out of the house before everyone else is out of bed anyhow, it just makes sense that I go in even earlier to do exactly what you suggest. That puts me in a good position to do pickups. But dropoffs are off the table on my work days.

OP once again. I should also say, we do have a very nice division of labor right now. And my husband truly isn't a jerk. I'd love to "turn off" after my call nights or extra long shifts, but, I find that if I push through when I'm not totally drained, once or twice a month when I say I really, really need to just turn everything over to him and sleep, it's not a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previous poster who works in the ED (and ICU). The work is equally taxing in both departments so make sure you take care of yourself.

Maybe decide that on your work days your DH does ALL pickups and dinners and laundry. Etc.

You do the drop off and go in a little early since you are up and out anyway and you aren’t going to sleep great the night before regardless. Maximize the early rounding on patients, get your orders for the morning into EPIC, schedule family care conference earlier, put that call into the neurologist earlier in the morning because he is lame about returning calls promptly, and then get out sooner in the afternoon yourself. Even if you are still on call and have to answer the phone at home. On those days, your DH is on at home and does pick up and everything else. You are “on” at your hospital those days so don’t be “on” at home or you will kill your health. Lay low at home and let him step up. Don’t overfunction at home.

OP here. I really appreciate your input. Unfortunately, I have a hard start at 7:30am to signout the overnight team. I literally cannot get my kid to school and get to work at 7:30. Since I'm out of the house before everyone else is out of bed anyhow, it just makes sense that I go in even earlier to do exactly what you suggest. That puts me in a good position to do pickups. But dropoffs are off the table on my work days.

OP once again. I should also say, we do have a very nice division of labor right now. And my husband truly isn't a jerk. I'd love to "turn off" after my call nights or extra long shifts, but, I find that if I push through when I'm not totally drained, once or twice a month when I say I really, really need to just turn everything over to him and sleep, it's not a problem.

OP, gently, you shouldn't need to push through.

I see this dynamic in female doctor marriages sometimes. They overfunction (perfect word) in the marriage. You have skewed your thought process and you aren't seeing just how much you are overperforming to allow others around you to underperform, especially your DH. You are what I would call a driven caretaker. But you need to care for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sure your DH is a nice guy. He is just not being a fair partner at all to you and your children. Fair isn't always equal and you aren't even asking that it seems.
He should want to compromise and do what works best for your family. He should want the mother of his children to not feel stressed, having to push through 29 days a month just to be able to recharge on 2 while he does the heavy lifting.

Maybe you can't see it clearly since you are living it and seem like a well organized, efficient, hard worker. But to put this gently, he is basically dead weight in your marriage right now and will be even more so after retirement. Nice guys don't always make great partners and that is what you need right now. A Partner to transition into what could be a really really great period of time for your entire family.

You and DH need to sit down and prioritize what each of you want/need from the other. A compromise should leave both individuals not getting 100% of what they want ideally but should leave the couple stronger. He is making your partnership weaker and comes across of selfish and lazy to be honest.

If he can't swing pick ups (OF HIS MINOR SON) a few days a week while he is not working, I don't know what hope you have for him to do much of anything after he retires. You may want to look into a chef, pool boy, lawn care, shopping, etc. He can get another job to pay for it if he has to. I would send him a bill each month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because the wife doesn't want to retire, that's not a reason to limit the retired person's activities -- if he wants to travel. Some. Alone.

Then he can get a part-time job to support it.

[Anonymous]

Update?

[Anonymous]

OP, I pulled some key lines from your update. I know you don't want anyone to think your husband is a jerk, and you don't want to think that either. I'm not saying he's a jerk. I'm just offering your own words:

OP here. thanks for all the input. Didn't mean to disappear, but we went to Sunday school and I feel like I got behind. But, I'll try to answer some things:

I cannot retire.

We support his son about 80% financially.

So, my husband has a lovely nest egg... but it's there and untouched due to my labor.

He will still need me providing health insurance for him for several years. I currently provide it for both kids as well.

So, he has been and is dependent on your income. So he needs to step up (not even all that much IMO!)

I just think he's sometimes blind to how exhausting my day can be. Especially after a 30 hour shift when I'm staying awake to do pickup, dinner, etc. He just sees that I've been missing all night and he's been handling everything.

Yes, and he needs to come to Jesus (or whomever) about this. Maybe it can be done gently, maybe via a therapist, but I have the feeling this is not the only issue of this sort, even if he does do a lot more than his father ever did, etc., etc.

I'm fine with keeping all the management tasks. I'm much more organized than he is, and I don't mind doing that stuff.

Yes, women always* say this. That is also labor. I find it unlikely that you truly have a 50/50 division even now, but you probably feel lucky he's not a gigantic chauvinist a$$ and "call it fair."

OP-- You need to work a few kinks out in your relationship, at the very least.



*Obviously not always blah blah blah.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, OP seems like a catch and he should be kissing the ground she walks on. Not balking about an afternoon pick up that takes, what, 45 minutes tops? WTF dude.
OP needs to realize her worth and realize her DH is NOT worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, OP seems like a catch and he should be kissing the ground she walks on. Not balking about an afternoon pick up that takes, what, 45 minutes tops? WTF dude.
OP needs to realize her worth and realize her DH is NOT worth it.

Yeah. This guy sounds like a real dick. This situation makes me really sad that we as women accept partners like this. Aargh...

Leave his ass and let him pay for his step son's living expenses on his own. Not your problem. Then we'll see if he sticks with his plan to retire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. ICU doc. Not nearly as rough as an ER doc, IMO. But not great. I’m just getting up to start hours 24-30 of shift, and looking at my Fitbit I was in bed for 4 hours of poor sleep. That’s about average, some better, some worse.

That being said, I wouldn’t trade this job for anything in the world. Great work. And although I miss 1 weekend a month a month with my kids, I’m also there when they get home from school 4 out of 5 days a week. Plus, with 12 flexible days off a month (seniority brings priority in scheduling), I’m at school for parent events, recitals, all the good stuff.

But, I do have a hard start time of 7:30 (I just start earlier so on short shift days I’m out earlier) So, this would not be possible without a helpful spouse or dependable morning child care.

I thought you only had 1 kid? What's the story here?

General fatigue plus habit of referring to stepson as kid due to almost decade of precollege life with him.

I'm confused -- isn't OP's stepson in college now? Why do you need to spend time with him after school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He will probably travel. That's what retired people do, they travel. NP here. Have you all not thought about this --- he won't always be home.

Usually they travel with their spouse if they have one, not alone.

Not us. My husband hates to travel. For me, it is my #1 interest. It actually has worked out well for us. I will travel anywhere in the world and he is holding down the fort at home. I love it. He loves it. We miss each other. We have great sex when i get home.

[Anonymous]

OP I guess I’m over invested in this thread – but I’m really angry at your husband!