Stay at Home vs Retired

[Anonymous]

Ok, a twist on the division of labor question that I don't think I've seen. I'm about 10 years younger than my husband and we have an 11 year old. I work a very well paying, shift work job. He's has a moderately well paying job and the opportunity to retire next year. We can totally handle this financially, but, in my mind, he's turning into a stay at home dad, while, in his mind, he's retiring! Right now, we have a half-time housekeeper, so there is very little housework to be done. We will still be able to afford her services. Currently, we have a pretty good division of labor.

But here's an example of where there is no meeting of the minds. Right now, I start an hour before my shifts (6:30 am) and work through lunch so I can do pickups at school (I don't have a fixed end time if I'm not working all night) . I do several 30 hour shifts a month, and I'll do the school pickup even after these. Any day I'm not working, I also do drop-off. So, we really do split pickup and dropoff 50/50. I said, that if he stops working, I'd expect him to do 90% of the pickups and dropoffs. Why would I get up an hour early, while he's sleeping, to start work, so I can pick up in the afternoon? Or add an extra hour to my commute after working all night when he's available? I don't mind spotting once or twice a week, but it seems like that should be his job. Same thing with shopping/ dinner prep. We pretty much split it. I really feel like if he's home all day, that should get done during the day. Of course, I'd still help with evening cleanup and routine, but that's pretty basic with a middle schooler. I also still handle the "management stuff" like appointments, camps, forms, etc.

I guess, I feel like he's getting a pretty good deal - basically a stay at home parent of a school age kid with 20 hours of hired cleaning help a week. He, on the other hand, feels like his work time now converts 100% to "his" time and we maintain the status quo otherwise.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I agree with you. He needs to step up. Maybe not to the extent you are indicating, but there is room for compromise. For example neither of you should have to get up extra early every day for drop off. You should split that.

[Anonymous]

I retired this year because my husband had stay-at-home wife privilege and my full-time salary. I will do the SAH stuff and we'll keep the once a week housekeeper. We'll see how it goes. We can financially handle it; just not sure if I"ll like it. I'm 6 years older but worked about 10 years longer in my career than he has. Also, my career paid more over the years so I also saved about 2/3 of the family fortune. I've earned it. Maybe he has too. That said, not only should he pick up kid, he should master the art of making your take-to-work lunches.

Imagine a nice bento with warm soup in the bottom, some pot stickers in the middle, and a fresh salad on top, above the hot top? Sounds good doesn't?

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should also benefit from his retiring. Communication and compromise is the basis of any successful marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I retired this year because my husband had stay-at-home wife privilege and my full-time salary. I will do the SAH stuff and we'll keep the once a week housekeeper. We'll see how it goes. We can financially handle it; just not sure if I"ll like it. I'm 6 years older but worked about 10 years longer in my career than he has. Also, my career paid more over the years so I also saved about 2/3 of the family fortune. I've earned it. Maybe he has too. That said, not only should he pick up kid, he should master the art of making your take-to-work lunches.

Imagine a nice bento with warm soup in the bottom, some pot stickers in the middle, and a fresh salad on top, above the hot top? Sounds good doesn't?

OP here. That's funny. That was his exact phrase - he's earned this. Only thing is, if we maintain the status quo, I feel like's he's earned it at the cost of my labor -

He currently makes the kid's lunch. He's a really good lunch maker. However, one of my job benefits is free on-site meal, so I've never asked

[Anonymous]

He should do more pickups/drop offs.

Food division - order online to keep it simple. Split meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you should also benefit from his retiring. Communication and compromise is the basis of any successful marriage.

+1. Why wouldn’t he want drop off and pick up / do grocery shopping & errands if he’s at home? What is he planning to do with his time?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I would be irritated by his proposal, too. Perhaps he needs to be reminded that he is retiring from his job and not from being a parent LOL . Maybe you can remind him- happy wife, happy life.

[Anonymous]

This is what happens when old people have kids.

[Anonymous]

I’d be really disappointed if my husband didn’t feel we should both benefit from him retiring early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be really disappointed if my husband didn’t feel we should both benefit from him retiring early.

+1. There’s enough extra time in there for everyone to benefit.

[Anonymous]

He is not really retiring then. You just want him to change duties. I’d keep working if my DW is like you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you're looking at this correctly. You currently feel that you both split things 50-50. That's great! You should try to keep that. It doesn't have to change just because someone's job changes. It shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

I retired young (retirement funds healthy, college plus paid up for kids), and we had kids later in life, so they still need some parenting, so I do the SAH privileges and whatever I can to make life easier for my not-ready-to-retire-yet spouse. It's a joy to me to be able to be a part of their lives this way. I never really realized how much of my life was "all about me" when I was working.

[Anonymous]

Of course he does pickups and drop offs. Is he seriously arguing he shouldn’t? What does he expect to do all day?