Stay at Home vs Retired

[Anonymous]

I think you should continue doing whatever enables you to spend time with your kid. My kids always rode a bus but I would assume that pick up and drop off is a nice time to have a chat with your child, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course he does pickups and drop offs. Is he seriously arguing he shouldn’t? What does he expect to do all day?

This.

If he disagrees, then you married a very selfish person...and that’s on you.

What self-respecting man would sit on his duff while his wife works and struggles to also manage the kid duties?

[Anonymous]

He will probably travel. That's what retired people do, they travel. NP here. Have you all not thought about this --- he won't always be home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, a twist on the division of labor question that I don't think I've seen. I'm about 10 years younger than my husband and we have an 11 year old. I work a very well paying, shift work job. He's has a moderately well paying job and the opportunity to retire next year. We can totally handle this financially, but, in my mind, he's turning into a stay at home dad, while, in his mind, he's retiring! Right now, we have a half-time housekeeper, so there is very little housework to be done. We will still be able to afford her services. Currently, we have a pretty good division of labor.

But here's an example of where there is no meeting of the minds. Right now, I start an hour before my shifts (6:30 am) and work through lunch so I can do pickups at school (I don't have a fixed end time if I'm not working all night) . I do several 30 hour shifts a month, and I'll do the school pickup even after these. Any day I'm not working, I also do drop-off. So, we really do split pickup and dropoff 50/50. I said, that if he stops working, I'd expect him to do 90% of the pickups and dropoffs. Why would I get up an hour early, while he's sleeping, to start work, so I can pick up in the afternoon? Or add an extra hour to my commute after working all night when he's available? I don't mind spotting once or twice a week, but it seems like that should be his job. Same thing with shopping/ dinner prep. We pretty much split it. I really feel like if he's home all day, that should get done during the day. Of course, I'd still help with evening cleanup and routine, but that's pretty basic with a middle schooler. I also still handle the "management stuff" like appointments, camps, forms, etc.

I guess, I feel like he's getting a pretty good deal - basically a stay at home parent of a school age kid with 20 hours of hired cleaning help a week. He, on the other hand, feels like his work time now converts 100% to "his" time and we maintain the status quo otherwise.

Thoughts?

My fathers wife is 15 years younger.
When he retired, he took on 150% of household responsibilities. Your husband is incredibly selfish. It isnt much work to take care of children who are school age and have a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Make him buy a bus!

https://mypositiveoutlooks.com/grandfather-buys-school-bus-so-he-can-drive-his-grandkids-to-school/

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that's not fair, OP. He doesn't get to check out like that and not share at least some of the abundant time he will have so that you have less of a crunch. How is that not valuable to him?

I bet there's a way to work it out so he can support your happiness while still keeping a good share of his newfound free time to use as he likes, even if it's something like he'll do all pu/do M-Th and then you do both on Friday so he can have the whole day to himself every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that's not fair, OP. He doesn't get to check out like that and not share at least some of the abundant time he will have so that you have less of a crunch. How is that not valuable to him?

I bet there's a way to work it out so he can support your happiness while still keeping a good share of his newfound free time to use as he likes, even if it's something like he'll do all pu/do M-Th and then you do both on Friday so he can have the whole day to himself every week.

Does OP get a whole day to herself as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so silly. He's retiring from work, not from life. If you didn't have a kid but you had a dog, would retirement mean he suddenly isn't responsible for walking the dog?

Sounds like he’s saying they should both walk the dog 50% of the time. He shouldn’t have to walk the dog 100% of the time just because he’s home all day.

So if the dog's gotta go out and he's the only one home, the dog's SOL until DW gets home? Come on. If you want to retire to a carefree life, don't have kids as an old person.

[Anonymous]

He's retiring from his job, not from his parental responsibilities. Of course, he does pick up/drop off, meal prep and household errands.

He can help with homework and schlep your kid around to activities, too. And, yes, he watches the dog and takes care of appliance repairs/deliveries, etc.

It's cute that he thinks that he can just retire from work and have zero responsibilities, though. What a silly dilly he is.

[Anonymous]

You all have one 11 year old child and a housekeeper and can’t figure this pickup/ drop off thing out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all have one 11 year old child and a housekeeper and can’t figure this pickup/ drop off thing out?

Figuring it out is easy when one parent isn’t planning to stop parenting when he’s unemployed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He will probably travel. That's what retired people do, they travel. NP here. Have you all not thought about this --- he won't always be home.

Usually they travel with their spouse if they have one, not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all have one 11 year old child and a housekeeper and can’t figure this pickup/ drop off thing out?

Seriously. For 20 hours a week, this housekeeper better be keeping the house in spotless condition *and* cooking. How is OP's life not already a vacation?

[Anonymous]

OP older people who are retired don’t get “bored” so easily. They certainly don’t get so bored they feel like getting up at 6:30AM and then doing pick up at 4PM. I think you have a fight on your hands. My DH retired and he had NO IDEA how many little chores and pick ups and parenting I did. He did also feel he had put in his time. The kids were in HS and fortunately they could drive around then. It took awhile for DH to become more hands on.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you’re going to retire too! Then quit your job.

Your husband’s is delusional if he thinks he doesn’t have to contribute to the household because he’s “retired” He still has a kid to raise!