Stay at Home vs Retired

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this happens a lot with SAHMs when the spouse retires. The labor division in the house was so unequal before they retired that it just gets worse once the man retires. I've seen quite a few elderly men being catered to on hand and foot by their spouse. I mean did the wives really expect for their DH to suddenly learn how to scrub a bathroom, cook or do laundry once they retired? Yours is just compounded because you have young kids.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Retirement is different from SAH.

You should let him really retire. It's not fair otherwise.

Nope. You don't get to "retire" from you parental responsibilities. If you don't want to be parenting a child when you hit retirement age, don't have a baby 11 years before you are due to retire. Duh.

This.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Retirement is different from SAH.

You should let him really retire. It's not fair otherwise.

Nope. You don't get to "retire" from you parental responsibilities. If you don't want to be parenting a child when you hit retirement age, don't have a baby 11 years before you are due to retire. Duh.

This. We both retired young. My husband did so before I did. My job workload remained difficult AND I did most of the child-rearing. I subsequently retired and my parental workload increased but job-workload stopped. It is insane to me that it is acceptable that one party has a lot more work and responsibility so that the other can life the life of Riley. We've discussed it ad nauseum. Nothing changes.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for all the input. Didn't mean to disappear, but we went to Sunday school and I feel like I got behind. But, I'll try to answer some things:

Yes, child is his. He's considering a very early retirement. Only negotiation was one child only. Which I was and am fine with. He does have an older child who is now in college.

This kind of ties in with other information. I cannot retire. We support his son about 80% financially. I have a really well paying job, especially for the amount of flexibility it provides. So, it was pretty much on me that the older kid got a college fund (went from zero when I entered the picture to covering about half our cost, currently, of a private college and expenses),both kids are in private school, we have a housekeeper, mortgage is fully paid off. So, my husband has a lovely nest egg from his 20 years of work he did from my ages 12-32, but it's there and untouched due to my labor and workable with our current lifestyle also due to my labor.

Yes, it's a really early retirement. I don't think he was even considering it 10 years ago, but, our financial situation has improved faster than he thought with my job, and it's on offer. He will still need me providing health insurance for him for several years. I currently provide it for both kids as well.

Finally, yeah, I work an unusual shift work combo. I could not do this job without his support with pickups, drop-offs, etc to the extent he does them now. My only request for increased labor on his part is him taking over the pickups when I'm working a day shift (so I can shift my hours from 6:30-3:30 to 7:30- 4:30...I could still get home just as kid is getting home this way) and to split the pickups/drop-offs I do on the days I'm not doing shifts. It would move things from 50/50 to about 80/20 him. Plus, yes, I think he should put in some dinner prep, light organization stuff during the day. It's not new for him, he does everything when I'm working overnight shifts 4-6 times a month.

He's really not an asshole, I promise. I just think he's sometimes blind to how exhausting my day can be. Especially after a 30 hour shift when I'm staying awake to do pickup, dinner, etc. He just sees that I've been missing all night and he's been handling everything. I'm getting kind of old for this myself. Honestly, he's really good at housework and taking care of the kid(s). If he shifted into a more SAHD role, I'd be thrilled. I'm fine with keeping all the management tasks. I'm much more organized than he is, and I don't mind doing that stuff.

Finally, we don't want to outsource anything except cleaning. His older son had to do full time aftercare before I was in the picture, and my husband really didn't like the amount of family time that provided. We set up our lives so our kid gets dropped off and picked up by a parent after activities. And, no, there is no bus or public transportation to our school.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

Also, in case it wasn't clear. I'm also, in no way, asking him to let me have evenings off! It would just be nice to shift some of that evening work into his day. I have days off during the week as well (remember, shift work) and it's what I do. Take care of a grocery run, clean out a closet, prep dinner, so, when everyone is home we just have to clean up the kitchen and get ready for bed. It's literally 1 or 2 hours of work the whole time my kid is at school. Plenty of time for "me" time.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the replies, but I agree with the OP.
I am a SAHM (at least for now) of two elementary age kids. I do 100% of school drop-offs and pick-ups, taking kids to and from sports/activities/appointments, watching the kids on school holidays/snow days, etc. I also do about 90% of the shopping and cooking and most of the housework. Why wouldn’t I? All of this is the point & benefit of having one parent home. Why should the working parent pick up extra work when one parent isn’t working for money?

Also, I think it’s funny how people on DCUM love to call people like me lazy, but think OP’s husband deserves a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I would be irritated by his proposal, too. Perhaps he needs to be reminded that he is retiring from his job and not from being a parent LOL . Maybe you can remind him- happy wife, happy life.

Well said!

[Anonymous]

I mean, I would not necessarily expect him to pick up that many more chores and stuff but for him not to do 90% of pick-up and drop-offs in the situation you describe is absolutely ridiculous and I'd have trouble being married to someone like that. He wants you to go to work an hour early so he doesn't have to get off his duff at pick up time?! WTAF?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one gets to retire from parenting duties until the kids are out of the house at 18. I’d absolutely push back.

This. Kid is 11.

[Anonymous]

I was the PP who said -- communication and compromise is the key to a successful marriage.

OP I would sit down with my DH and talk about how I could benefit from his retirement. Successful marriages are based on team-work.

I worked full time for 20 years, 'retired', and we had a child and I became a SAHM.

Being responsible for both drop off and pickups really eats into a day. Only you know which you would rather do. But if you are up in the am and your DH likes to sleep in -- you might get buy-in from him on other chores if you agree to keep doing the morning drop offs.

Life is a negotiation. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

What will your husband doing with the housekeeper, op?
I’m only half-kidding, there is a reason that humor exists. More importantly, if he retires early, he will have nothing to occupy his mind, no social outlet, no peer group.
It’s easy to do things that are harmful in that situation.
Both my parents, who have each other were shocked at how empty the first few months of retirement were. My dad pointed out that for the first time in his life he didn’t have a mom, a teacher, a boss or even children dictating how you spend your time and providing you with a social network.

If your husband doesn’t understand your job now, he *really* won’t understand it when he is home.

I’m also not surprised that this is a second marriage… for him. The selfishness, the “compromise” on number of children (and his unwillingness to emotionally support both his children) you working so you can pay for a child where you have no legal relationship while he stays home and does??? All scream that you are a trade-in, and that you got the bad end of the bargain. He is expecting you to support his son, and now you are realizing that he will do absolutely nothing for the child you and he have together, while having absolutely no empathy for your work schedule. I’d be wondering why you are in this marriage, even a dog and a young toddler have more compassion then your husband.

If it were me and he wouldn’t do pickup and drop-off, I’d be putting the kid in public school and live in a bus zone for that school. I’m not kidding, I’d move if I had to do that.
I’d also either fire the housekepper, or I’d have her, or find one who would do absolutely everything you needed done. If you want her to cook, she cooks. If you want her to grocery shop, she shops for groceries. If you want her to do pickup and drop-off, I’d have her do it.

If you do nothing else, you want a very clear idea of what your husband plans to do with his time and energy once he is retired. Figure out why he wants to retire ideally. Even my middle-schooler said “Why would someone retire early, retirement is for old people” and she’s right, it really is. Healthy people need and want to contribute to their families and ensure their families are emotionally healthy. I’d be worried about his physical and/or mental health if your assessment that he isn’t an ass is correct. A change in desire and behavior is an indicator of a problem.

for Windows 10

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies, but I agree with the OP.
I am a SAHM (at least for now) of two elementary age kids. I do 100% of school drop-offs and pick-ups, taking kids to and from sports/activities/appointments, watching the kids on school holidays/snow days, etc. I also do about 90% of the shopping and cooking and most of the housework. Why wouldn’t I? All of this is the point & benefit of having one parent home. Why should the working parent pick up extra work when one parent isn’t working for money?

Also, I think it’s funny how people on DCUM love to call people like me lazy, but think OP’s husband deserves a break.

Because he worked a real job for 30 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies, but I agree with the OP.
I am a SAHM (at least for now) of two elementary age kids. I do 100% of school drop-offs and pick-ups, taking kids to and from sports/activities/appointments, watching the kids on school holidays/snow days, etc. I also do about 90% of the shopping and cooking and most of the housework. Why wouldn’t I? All of this is the point & benefit of having one parent home. Why should the working parent pick up extra work when one parent isn’t working for money?

Also, I think it’s funny how people on DCUM love to call people like me lazy, but think OP’s husband deserves a break.

Because he worked a real job for 30 years

And expects wife #2 to pay for her stepson’s education while he retires early. He’s a real winner! Where can I get someone like that??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so silly. He's retiring from work, not from life. If you didn't have a kid but you had a dog, would retirement mean he suddenly isn't responsible for walking the dog?

Sounds like he’s saying they should both walk the dog 50% of the time. He shouldn’t have to walk the dog 100% of the time just because he’s home all day.

Disagree. If OP leaves before dog needed to be walked and gets home after dog needed to be walked, then OP’s husband should walk the dog. Similarly, OP has been leaving early (before drop off) to get work done early enough to pick up. There’s no reason OP’s husband can’t pick up so that OP can go in at a normal time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck. I’m about 6 years out from a similar situation. I’m seriously considering separating due to my resentment at his retirement with kids still at home and all the usual home care. He picks and chooses what random project he wants to work on after sleeping in bc he binge watched Netflix. I thought a little time doing this was ok, but it’s been years. Every discussion is “but I retired”. Please work this out BEFORE he actually retires.

A trial separation may be the wake up call he needs.